Dangerous Logic

Monte Carlo + Redneck Riviera + Drunk 11-Year-Old Driving + Embedded Beer Ad = White Trash Wednesday!

Reuters has this story from last month:

IAMI (Reuters) - An 11-year-old girl was charged with drunken driving after leading police on a chase at speeds of up to 100 mph that ended when she flipped the car in an Alabama beach town.

A video camera in the police car captured the look of surprise on the officer's face when he approached the wrecked car and got a look at the motorist.

The Mobile Press-Register newspaper said the patrolman saw the Chevrolet Monte Carlo speeding and flashed his lights to signal the driver to stop. Instead, the car sped faster, traveling at up to 100 mph (160 kph) before sideswiping another vehicle and flipping over in the Gulf Coast town of Orange Beach, Alabama, on Tuesday night.

That there's just reg'lar funny (and don't give me no guff. Nobody got hurt - it's funny).

What makes this here thing White Trash Wednesday funny is this screenshot from BBspot:

I think whoever does ad serving for Reuters needs to rethink their algorithms - it's probably not a great idea to put a beer ad in an article that contains the words "drunken driving."

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

A Real Whiz-Bang Home Remedy

You've heard of the expression "Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining?" How about "Don't piss in my ear and tell me I've got an infection?" Listen to this clip from hour 1 of last Tuesday's Bob & Tom.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash Bob & Tom

You Can't Say She Didn't Give You Fair Warning

A woman gets picked up for DUI. Not newsworthy, right? Happens all the time. Except in this case Jolene done went and advertised it:

Amanda Lynn Bailey couldn't have picked a more appropriate shirt for her arrest on DUI charges.

The 41-year-old is a dealer for the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Tampa. She was arrested July 31 and charged with driving under the influence and driving with a cancelled, suspended or revoked license.

It was her second DUI arrest in three months.

The shirt in question:

Now I get it. She had to wear the shirt as a condition of her first offense! [H/T FARK]

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash Amanda Lynn Bailey

White Trash Mother Of The Year

That's right, folks, the adventures of 'Cletus' and 'Jolene' are back after a long layoff. Today's story comes from just down the road in Indy:

An Indianapolis mother says she did neglect her two children. Police found Nancy Dyer's three-year old son wandering I-465 on Dec. 30. At her trial Monday morning Dyer's attorneys and the prosecuting attorney agreed on a plea deal.
. . .
State police found her three-year-old son Damon wandering I-465 on Dec. 30. Police found Dyer in her apartment with her two-year-old daughter who had been eating food from the trash. Dyer told the judge she was asleep at the time.

Dyer admitted her guilt to a similar incident when apartment complex employees found that same three-year-old wandering in the parking lot just two days before they found him on the highway.

One other thing - she has a three-year-old, a two-year-old, she's pregnant now, and

"I don't know that any time being served is going to solve anything for her," said [Dyer's father Chuck] Lindgren, 65. "I'd rather her go into some kind of program to enhance her parenting skills."

. . .

Her newborn will be her sixth child. Lindgren adopted a son who now is 15, and 11- and 13-year-old daughters live with their father in Florida.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash Nancy Dyer

Look For It On Your Dealer's Shelves: 'Strawberry Really Really Quik'

... or A Spoonful Of Sugar Helps The Medicine Go Down:

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. -- During an investigation last month, Arkansas police officers found a bundle of materials suspected of being used to cook methamphetamine in a trash can. What gave them pause were the packets of a strawberry-flavored children's drink mix next to it.

From lollipops to high-sugar sodas, law enforcement officials say they've found meth cut with a variety of candies, drinks and other materials over the years. Officials say the "designer meth" can smooth the chemically rough ingestion of the drug, making it easier for first-time users to try.

And maybe that's what the dealers are thinking, too:

"The drug cartels operate just like any other corporation would -- if they want to increase their market share, then they're going to have to change something about it. This is just an evolution. They've saturated the heavy users, now they are moving onto some other people," he [Chris Harrison, chief illicit laboratory chemist at the Arkansas lab] said.

The latest meth cut, known as "Strawberry Quick," uses powdered drink mix to give the drug a pink coloring. The sweetness of the powder can make meth more palatable and partially masks its harsh chemical taste.

. . .

Because of its chemical properties, meth easily mixes into any water-based liquid. Caffeinated, high-sugar energy drinks and sodas often litter areas where meth cookers manufacture the drug, sometimes used as a chaser to the stimulant, Harrison said.

Outside of drinks, police also have seen meth mixed with a variety of candy, cola and chocolate flavors. Cutting it with something else also may help cutting down the burning sensation some have when snorting powdered meth, Harrison said. When snorted, he said meth can destroy a person's septum.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

"Demon Terbakky Done Got A Powerful Hold On Joe-Bob" Or "I'd Kill For A Cigarette"

(I may be a week between entry days, but at least I'm getting WTW out on time.) I've heard of jonesing for a smoke, but this is ridiculous:

A north Idaho man accused of ramming his truck into his estranged wife's home Monday after unsuccessfully demanding that she bring him a cigarette has been arrested, police said. No one was injured.

. . .

Caroline Marienau, who said she's in the process of getting a divorce, said Eric Marienau parked his full-size Chevrolet Silverado pickup truck next to her house about 7 a.m., police said.

He went to the home's fence and began shouting for her to bring him a cigarette, Caroline Marienau told police. She said he began pounding on her front door, telling her if she didn't come outside with a cigarette that he would return with his truck and ram her house.

"Eric returned a minute later and rammed the front of the house near the garage area at a high rate of speed. He then backed up and rammed the front of the house at least two more times," Police Sgt. Christie Wood said. "The impact forced a 1993 Ford Ranger that was parked inside the garage to be propelled approximately four feet through a wall into the interior of the bedroom."

Marienau has a lengthy criminal record, which seem to stem from when he shot himself in the head in 1977. Court records show he has a bullet lodged behind his right eye. In 2000, he was arrested for . . .

The book is now closed. The winning answers are...

. . . possession of meth and trafficking meth. In 1996, he was charged with three counts of felony forgery and two counts of fraud.

'Fraud' pays 3-to-1, 'Forgery' pays 2.5-to-1, and 'Meth' pays 0.2-to-1. The Fraud-Forgery-Meth trifecta pays 38-to-1.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

I Want The One With The Seats In The Pickup Bed That Have Handles Like Joysticks

Courtesy of "Larry King" (voiced by, I think, Steve Salge) on yesterday's Bob & Tom:

Hey, you ever wonder if you qualify as White Trash? Here's a quick way to find out - if your favorite summer memory involves a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a hot makeout session with your step-niece in an above-ground pool, then welcome to White Trashville, population You, man.

Bonus - if you bought the pool with a disability check the factory gave you after you cut off a finger with a band saw while making a bong holder for your Camaro(*)!

(*) He actually said something that sounded like 'ca-MARE-u,' but remember that the gang often rags him about needing to use a larger font when he types up his bits. Maybe he's talking about a Subaru with an aero kit designed to look like a Z28. That'd be cool. Or dorky. Maybe both.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

Y Not Bubba? 'Cuz It Be Dam Stoopid!

It's a free country - that's why you've got the right to change your name, and why I have the right to laugh at you when you change it to something stupid:

A southeast New Mexico man has changed his name to Y Not Bubba, and why not?

According to the easy-going truck driver, at birth he was given up for adoption and has spent the next 14 years in and out of foster care, so he decided he wanted a new name, for a new future.

. . .

"Why not Bubba? Everybody knows me as Bubba, so why not Bubba, and that's kind of how the name stuck," he said.

It Could Only Have Been Worse If She'd Actually Gotten The Name Wrong

After a brief flirtation with being on time, White Trash Wednesday returns to Thursdays with a double feature. First up - the latest chapter in the Anna Nicole Smith saga.

You may have noticed that I've pretty much left Anna Nicole alone on WTW. That's because, as I have to admit, I've got a bit of a soft spot for her. Her estranged mother, Virgie Arthur, on the other hand, is a completely different story. I trust her about three percent more than I do Howard K. Stern (which puts my trust level riiiiight around zero percent).

So I don't know which part of this clip from Wednesday's Bob & Tom show was my favorite:

• Tom referring to her as "Fat, ignorant, stupid - she's got it all!"
• Vergie pretending to care about the baby in any context other than the money, or
• Tom finishing up by saying "This is the woman who the mother of the child never wanted to see again."

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash Bob & Tom Anna Nicole Smith Virgie Arthur

Crankretariat Coming Up Hard On The Outside

I can't decide whether the moral of this story should be "Don't bring a horse to a demolition derby" or "Don't bring a car to a horse race:"

An Alabama woman was arrested for riding a horse while under the influence of a controlled substance and using the animal to ram a police car.

Sylvania police arrested 40-year-old Melissa Byrum York around midnight Sunday. She was charged with seven counts that included DUI, animal cruelty and second-degree assault.

John Seals, the arresting officer, said he had to get back in his car and follow York after she allegedly coaxed the horse into a trot. Seals pulled his car in front of the horse to try to get her to stop. She allegedly rammed the horse into the car and went about 50 more yards and tried to jump off, but York caught her foot in the stirrups.

And the punch line?

Police said they also seized a small amount of marijuana, some crystal methamphetamine and several pills.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

No Need To Drive Into A Dodgy Neighborhood To Get Your Crank - Our Meth Lab Comes To You!

I don't remember exactly when I actually got White Trash Wednesday out on time, and I'm too lazy to look it up. Anyway, a Florida man (go figure) scores the White Trash Drug Trifecta: meth lab on wheels, holding more, with some weed on the side:

Troopers hit the jackpot Wednesday when they arrested a man driving a methamphetamine lab on wheels, who had drugs tucked away in his armpit, grew marijuana in a tub and was on probation violation for murder.

Florida Highway Patrol troopers at 3:50 p.m. stopped Cocoa resident Charles Leon McComas, 46, on Interstate 95 near Mims, for a faulty license tag light on the mobile home he was pulling with his Chevy Z71 Pickup. During the routine traffic stop at a rest stop near mile marker 228, troopers discovered that McComas had an outstanding warrant for his arrest from Suwannee County for violation of probation for second degree murder.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

Now Taking Bets As To When She Goes Back In

I was too busy to see this yesterday, but it appears that Her Royal Baldness is (successfully) out of rehab. I have updated my sidebar picture accordingly.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash Britney Spears

White Trash On Ice. Yes, It's A Double-Entendre.

Tonya Harding crosses paths with Johnny Law again:

VANCOUVER, Wash. -- Former Olympic skater Tonya Harding told sheriff's deputies she thought people were trying to break into her home and had followed her to a towing station, behavior that her agent attributed to an adverse reaction to allergy medication.

The incident, which did not generate an official police report, was outlined in a Clark County sheriff's dispatch log detailing two separate calls relating to Harding's erratic behavior early Sunday.

The log did not indicate that Harding was on any medication, Sgt. Tim Bieber said Thursday.

"I don't know from the call whether she was hallucinating," he said, noting that if that had been the case, deputies typically take people to the hospital involuntarily.

"There's no indication in the log that she was on any medication," he added.

Harding called authorities around 4:50 a.m. Sunday from Yacolt Towing to report that there were possibly four men and a woman trying to break into her residence northeast of Vancouver, Bieber said. She also said they were trying to stash weapons on her property.

. . .

Deputies arrived within a half hour, Bieber said, reading from dispatch notes that said the report appeared to be very implausible.

"It says she was agitated, glancing everywhere. She seemed frustrated that people can't see the people that she sees," Bieber said.

Harding was taken to the home of a friend, who within hours placed another call to deputies saying she was 'tweaking out, seeing things."

But why? Let's take a spin on the old Wheel-O-Alibis:

The former skater's problems arose after she "was prescribed medications which did not interact correctly," he longtime friend and agent, Linda Lewis, wrote in e-mails Wednesday to The Oregonian and to The Columbian in Vancouver.

"Tonya had changed her over-the-counter allergy medication," Lewis wrote. "She then went to the doctor with pneumonia symptoms. She was prescribed antibiotics and cough syrup and given a breathing treatment. She has been very ill, and her breathing capacity was very low."

I guess I'll have to add that to the White Trash Lexicon: 'allergy medication' = 'meth.'

OK, maybe not, but you could substitue 'meth' for 'allergy medication' above and get all the same behaviors.

It's White Trash WednesdayFriday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash Tonya Harding

OK, So There's *ONE* Person Who Isn't Laughing

I was discussing the world's funniest joke (no, not the Monty Python one) with some friends. Not wanting to ruin it with a flawed recollection, I went googling, and found my way to this country-fried video version.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

White Trash Probate

If you listen to the show for long enough, it should become pretty clear that Tom is the bandleader - he does almost all the interviews and generally seems to guide the show along, for better or worse. Bob is more like a sniper - he doesn't say nearly as much, but his hit percentage is way up there. Take, for instance, this exchange about everybody's favorite white-trash-girl-made-good-but-now-dead:

KRISTI LEE: Well, the fate of Anna Nicole Smith's body is in the hands of three appeals court judges in Florida.

TOM GRISWOLD: So after that gigantic circus with that idiot, Larry Seidlin...

KRISTI: ...yes, Larry Seidlin, they will decide whether to overturn a trial court ruling that meant the model would be buried in the Bahamas.

BOB KEVOIAN: Even in death, she's pulling a train with the legal system.

And as long as we're talking about White Trash royalty... Britney's still in rehab.

Tags: Bob & Tom Anna Nicole Smith

Two Bedroom Fixer-Upper. Or Hauler-Awayer.

Apparently there are about 40,000 abandoned mobile homes in North Carolina, and various legal and financial issues make it difficult for local governments to condemn and remove them. In the interests of making this issue more publicly known and garnering support for proposed legislation to remedy it, the Community Reinvestment Association of North Carolina created a calendar called The 2007 Parade of North Carolina's Abandoned Mobile Homes, featuring pictures of some of NC's not-so-finest domiciles.

Of course, they call it that. Cletus and Jolene just call it 'the real estate listings.'

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

And I Volunteer For The First Focus Group!

The latest chapter in the ongoing saga of the divorce of America's First (White Trash) Family: Britney checks into rehab, checks out the next day, shaves her head, gets a couple of tats, and then goes back into rehab.

OK, Mr. Mayor, I thought you were crazy, but now it looks like you're right: Kevin is turning out to be the sane one. And that was a bar that wasn't set very high at all.

OTOH, Britney's career will be fine if the lesbian allegations turn out to be true. She'll just have to change her target demographic from 10-year-old girls to 40-year-old guys.

Update: Aaaaaaand she's checked out of rehab again.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash Britney Spears

"Uncle Dad Ken" Sold Separately

Bonus WTW today! Mitchieville pointed me to Pittsburgh Barbies, some of whom are right up the WTW alley:

"East End Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills)...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

. . .

"Butler Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

. . .

"McKees Rocks Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

White Trash Academy - MethMath 101

I think we've found the prerequisite for White Trash Academy Recreational Pharmacology 101 -- Math 101:

MORIARTY, N.M. -- Principal Wayne Marshall said a teacher at Moriarty High School made a misjudgment on an algebra test for his students.

A question on the test incorporated a fictional methamphetamine dealer.

The question read, "Smoky J. sells meth. Smoky's source says he has to sell a G's worth of meth by the end of the month. If Smoky sold 240 dollars the first week and 532 dollars the second week, how much money must Smoky make if he wants to avoid the beat down from his connection?"

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

Naw, This Cain't Be. She Dun Still Got All Her Teefuses.

I don't care if you are an astronaut - driving 900 miles to Go Springer on a rival for the attention of your beloved is 100% pure White Trash, especially if your beloved's nickname is 'Billy-O':

She was the Robochick. He was Billy-O.

According to police, her obsession with him led her to drive 900 miles from Houston to Orlando, bringing with her a trenchcoat and wig, armed with a BB gun and pepper spray, and wearing a diaper to avoid bathroom breaks on the arduous drive.

Once in Florida, Lisa "Robochick" Nowak apparently confronted the woman she believed was her rival for the affections of William "Billy-O" Oefelein. And this tawdry love triangle has one more twist -- it involves two astronauts.

Nowak, 43, a married mother of three who flew on a space shuttle in July, was charged with attempted murder, accused of hatching an extraordinary plot to kidnap Colleen Shipman, who she believed was romantically involved with Oefelein, a space shuttle pilot.

Specifically, police said, Nowak confronted Shipman, who was in her car at the Orlando airport, and sprayed something at her, possibly pepper spray.

At first the astronaut was charged with attempted kidnapping and other counts. Then prosecutors upped the charge to attempted murder, basing it on the weapons and other items they said they had found with Nowak or in her car: pepper spray, a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, knife and rubber tubing.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash Lisa Marie Nowak

A Presidential White Trash Moment

Also on yesterday's Bob & Tom, "Bill Clinton" called in to discuss what he's doing with his time now that She Who Shall Not Be Named is on the campaign trail:

"BILL CLINTON": Oh, gollee, look, it's Tuesday, I gotta take the trash out. 'Cause that's when I rub shoulders with the neighborly ladies. Yeah, used to be years ago that was one of my code phrases with the Secret Service - when I said I was going to 'take the trash out,' it meant that I was going to take Paula Jones out!

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash Bob & Tom

White Trash Christmas

I meant to post this on the 20th, or even the 27th, or even even the 3d, but you know how busy things get around the holidays. Anyway, y'all go an' enjoy yerselfs some White Trash Christmas.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

White Trash Christmas Toy Extravaganza!

OK, so it's less of an 'extravaganza' than it is "two pictures off an email that's going around (that I would attribute if I knew the actual source)," but here are the two Must Have toys for your fav'rite White Trash young'uns:

Official Jolene Crankhead model. Teach yer kids the skills they'll need to succeed in the White Trash 'conomy. Comes with a hunnert-count bottle of pseudoephedrine. Ether and anhydrous ammonia sold separately.

Includes a coupon redeemable by mail for a "General Lee Up On Blocks In The Front Yard" commemorative plate.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

There Are Still People Who Do This.

White Trash Wednesday bonus Thursday edition! I thought the 'With Signs Following' churches were dead. Apparently not, but one of them is now down a parishoner:

A woman who was bitten by a snake at a church that neighbors say practices serpent handling died of her wounds hours later, a newspaper reported.

Linda Long, 48, was bitten Sunday at East London Holiness Church, where neighbors said the reptiles are handled as part of religious services, The Lexington Herald-Leader reported Tuesday.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

Go Away. Just Go Away.

I'm in mourning. I don't know how I'm going to face the days ahead.

What's that? The election? What election? I'm talking about the breakup of White Trash America's first family. I thought it was bad when Charles and Diana split up, but that's nothing compared to this:

Britney Spears has filed a petition for divorce from Kevin Federline.

TMZ obtained the legal papers, filed today in Los Angeles County Superior Court, citing "irreconcilable differences." In her petition, Spears asks for both legal and physical custody of the couple's two children, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James, with Federline getting reasonable visitation rights.

As for money, sources tell TMZ the couple, who married in Oct. 2004, has an iron-clad prenup. Not surprisingly, Spears is waiving her right to spousal support. She's also asking the judge to make each party pay their own attorney's fees.

Actually, the real reason I'm distraught about this is that K-Neck is such an easy White Trash Wednesday target. And it seems Britney is smarter than I gave her credit for being, or at has hired people who are:

Britney Spears didn’t pick Nov. 6 as the day to file for divorce from Kevin Federline by accident.

She filed two years and one month from the day of her marriage, on Oct. 6, 2004. Her prenup, according to legal theorists, evidently carried increases for Federline for every year of their marriage. And those deadlines, they say, likely had 30-day grace periods.

Hence, Nov. 6 would have been Britney's last chance to get out of paying a third year of alimony settlement to a basically talentless slacker who was a drain on her finances.

breakup of White Trash America's first family.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash Kevin Federline Vanilla Ice

How Come They Never Pass Out *BEFORE* They Get Behind The Wheel?

Woman Charged With Fourth DUI After Being Arrested With Kids in Car

Shannon Wilkinson, 38, was arrested Monday at a grocery store in Prairie Village, after police were called about an intoxicated woman with two small children.

. . .

Officers said they found Wilkinson passed out behind the wheel of her car, with the car engine running and the children, ages 1 and 4, in their car seats. Her blood alcohol was about three times Kansas' legal limit of .08 and it was her fourth DUI charge, authorities said.

Can somebody explain to me why she wasn't still in jail from her third DUI?

It's White Trash, er, Thursday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash Shannon Wilkinson

I Really Hope Dude Wasn't Trying To Recycle His Food Too

I've heard of re-rolling roaches into new joints, but this is ridiculous - Vista man arrested in unusual meth case:

VISTA ---- Deputies seized jars containing urine that tested positive for methamphetamine Thursday outside a Vista house where a possible clandestine drug lab was reported, a sheriff's sergeant said.

. . .

Sometimes meth users save their urine to try to recover any drug left in the liquid so they can use it again, [Sgt. Mark] Varnau said. He said the jars tested positive for chemicals that might have been used for such a recovery attempt.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

How Y'all Like Me Now, Smart Guy?

Bonus White Trash Thursday! I should have known my relatively pious observance of White Trash Wednesday would eventually come back to haunt me, but I have to admit that I never considered that retaliation would be nuclear in nature.

Until today. Iowahawk reports that White Trash America has The Bomb:

In the back yard of scientific researchings behind the Great Storage Shed of the People, Iowahawk scientists successfully conducted above-ground nuclear missile test explosions under secure and many malt liquor conditions on early hours of October 10, 2006, at a stirring time when alarm clocks of the neighborhood have yet to clangle. To the impotent yappings of the neighboring gangster devils, Iowahawk responds: howl away, bourgeois traitors of Lakewood Mobile Home Court! Your pitious lamentations and cowardly 911-callings will never stop Iowahawk from the great leap forward into great and powerful prosperity, using his mighty quiver of nuclear-tipped cherry bombs and fully-fissionable bottle rockets for peaceful unity purposes!

I know what you're thinking - and I never considered Iowahawk a Caucasian-Refuse-American, either, but there you are. Here's a picture of his chief scientist, Chuck:

I was going to say 'I for one welcome our new White Trash overlords,' but an earlier trackback pretty much beat me to it. I hate it when that happens.

'White Trash Ma Of The Year,' Nominee #1

I've heard "That dress is to die for" and "I'd kill to get that dress," but I have to admit "I'll put up my child as collateral on that dress" is new to me. Mother Charged With Trying To Sell Child Over Wedding Dress Debt:

Davenport, IA- A Davenport mother is accused of trying to sell her 4 year old son to pay back a $200 dollar debt owed on a wedding dress.

31 year old Marcy Gant is arrested and charged with one felony count of ''Sale of an Individual''. Davenport police today said Gant allegedly bought a wedding dress from a street vendor who had set up shop on Kimberly and Division. At an afternoon press conference Tuesday, Davenport Police Captain Dave Struckman said ''That on at least two occasions, during negotiations for the payment of the wedding dress, Ms. Gant offered her four year old son as collateral.''

Angie Bruce works near Gant's apartment and says business owners are well aware of her. ''We've had to call police on her, we have restraining orders against her, she's stolen items off our property''.

. . .

Gant's two children are four and ten years old and are in the custody of DHS, based on a prior investigation into their mother.

And here I thought that using people as currency is something you only see in prison.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

Prescribed By The Same Guy Who Told Her Magnets Would Help Her Back Pain

Monday on Bob & Tom (hour 2, roughly 29:00), they featured a listener letter that is a perfect White Trash Wednesday story, with idiotic home medical remedies, a woman cranking out kids by means she does not understand...

TOM GRISWOLD (reading from letter): "One of my friends was in her last year of pharmacy school, doing a retail pharmacy rotation. She was working at a nationally-known retail blah-blah pharmacy chain. A woman with four young children came up to the pharmacy window complaining how upset she was that she was pregnant again and that her birth control was not working. My friend inquired as to what birth control method she was using, and she said 'Mountain Dew.'"

BOB KEVOIAN: I'm sorry?

TOM: "She said, 'I heard that if you drank eight cans of Mountain Dew a day, you won't get pregnant.'"

CHICK MCGEE: Can I be excused?

BOB: I think she misunderstood - if you do it in the can, you won't get pregnant.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash Bob & Tom Mountain Dew

Gas + Match + Chair + Buddy = Hilarity!

From the "What Were You Thinking?" department, courtesy of FARK: Boy burns buddy with gas attack

ST. THOMAS -- A 13-year-old St. Thomas boy remains in hospital with serious burns yesterday after a "good friend" poured gasoline down the back of a chair he was sitting in and lit it on fire.

The boy suffered second-to-third degree burns on his back and may require skin grafts.

A 14-year-old boy, also from St. Thomas, was charged with aggravated assault.

Why this might have happened is unknown, said Const. Glenn Hodgson of the St. Thomas Police Service.

"They were friends. Good friends. There was no argument and there was no fighting or anything like that," he said.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.

Tags: White Trash

Word Is She's Already Expecting #3

We here at White Trash Wednesday would like to congratulate the First Family for cranking out another White Trashlet (and in true White Trash fashion, before his elder brother is even a year old!):

Entertainment magazines are reporting that Britney Spears gave birth to her second son Tuesday in LA.

Us Weekly -- citing an unnamed family source -- said on its Web site that the baby boy was delivered around 2:00 a.m. at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.

Tags: White Trash Britney Spears Kevin Federline

A Ho's Gotta Do What A Ho's Gotta Do

Extra Special Bonus WTW Bonus Friday Special Edition!

This one's so hot it can't wait until next Wednesday:

At about noon on Saturday, several residents at Friendly Acres Mobile Home Park, 3574 W. U.S. 20, contacted LaPorte County police.

A woman was observed having sex with a man inside a limousine parked on one of the streets.

The windows of the green, Cadillac limousine were not tinted, providing a clear view for a large crowd that had gathered, including many children, police said.

Several adults witnessing the activity hollered for the pair to stop, but witnesses said the man and woman continued.

When police arrived, Sgt. John Boyd said in his report the woman was approached, but denied the allegations.

However, the manager of the trailer park, Mark Stantz, informed police the limousine was parked in front of a surveillance camera, which captured what appeared to be a man and woman in the limousine having sex.

When told about the footage, the woman did not confess, but said, "I gotta do what I gotta do for my kids and family," Boyd said.

Tags: White Trash

If You Think About It, You Can Use A Camaro On Blocks As A Scaffold, Too

Draft-delayed White Trash Wednesday: WorkSafe Victoria has this illustrated guide to improvised scaffolds for all your Caucasian-Refuse-American elevated work needs. Oh, sure, it's disguised as a series of bad examples, but that's just to make the lawyers happy. How about this beefed-up work platform for your next over-garage job?

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Tags: White Trash

Em'ly Pos' Guide To Redneck Etekitt

I'm really pressed for time this week, so I'll dust off this chestnut from 8 years ago that I found while cleaning out my email archive.

Redneck Driving Etiquette
• Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
• When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
• Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
• When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
• Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
• Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
• Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Redneck Personal Hygiene
• Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
• Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. (Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.)

Redneck Dining Out
• Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Redneck Entertaining in Your Home
• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
• Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
• If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

Redneck Dating (Outside the Family)
• Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
• Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
• If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Redneck Theater Etiquette
• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
• Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Redneck Wedding Etiquette
• Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
• It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
• When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
• A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
• For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions
• Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
• Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
• Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
• It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
• Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
• The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
• Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

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Tags: White Trash

The Suspect's Name Is Joe-hammad Bin Pukin

'Mysterious bag left in airport,' White Trash Style:

(SOMERSET, Ky.) -- In this day and time when terrorism is a threat, you just can't be too careful.

A suspicious-looking black bag was sitting close to 20,000 gallons of jet fuel at the Somerset Airport Tuesday, prompting an employee to dial 911.

. . .

Fortunately, the only thing nefarious about the bag was its odor. The contents included a vomit-stained shirt and some empty beer cans.

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Tags: White Trash

Life Imitates Snakes On A Plane

Snakes In A Trailer:

A man was arrested Monday after deputies found 35 dead reptiles and dozens more malnourished and living in his camper, authorities said.

Craig Thomas Zoodsma, 50, was charged with 35 felonies for the death of the animals and 41 misdemeanor counts of animal cruelty.

Deputies found 35 snakes, three lizards and three turtles still living, but underfed and badly dehydrated, the Pensacola News Journal reported for Tuesday's editions.

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Tags: White Trash

No Gravy Train For Me. All My Ancestors Were On The Winning Side.

Dr. Bukk, he of the fake teef, has a different take on the idea of Civil War War Of Northern Aggression reparations:

As you probably know, the people collectively known as "white trash" suffered more losses during and after the War of Northern Aggression than any other group! This discrimination has ruined our life for more than a century. That explains why today we are so funny looking.

Our brave ancestors fought against Yankee aggressors even though they did not own any slaves. Why? The question has plagued historians because slave owners, and even their slaves looked down on us white trash. There was nothing in it for us, yet we fought hard! We fought to preserve our Southern way of life. A life where you could grow corn and make your own tax-fee whiskey. A life where you could put woodland wildlife on the table, so long as you had the ammunition. A life where the womenfolk did all the drudgery while you gambled, drank, fought, farted and belched your life away.

RTWT, which in this case means "Read tha 'hole thang!"

Or find somebody to read it to you iff'n you ain't gotcher GED yet.

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Tags: White Trash

White Trash Neighbor v2.0 - Now With Extra Trash!

I few months ago, I pointed to the Redneck Neighbor story. Well, today's hero makes the Redneck Neighbor look like the epitome of class and decorum - Seminole County's Worst Neighbor:

The man dubbed Seminole County's worst neighbor was released from jail and returned to his home, according to a Local 6 News report [yay Local6! - ed] . Alan Davis was released after 17 months behind bars for failing to follow the rules of house arrest . . .. Before his arrest, neighbors complained about Davis and the piles of junk and rats in his yard for more than 10 years . . ..

I'm not sure how long this story will stay up on Local6's site (it's on their 'weird pictures' slideshow), so here's the picture:

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Tags: White Trash Alan Davis

Elisa Harp Smacks Her Head And Says "Why Didn't I Think Of That?"

[Title ref here]

And speaking of tattoos (which I do frequently, f'rinstance, a couple of weeks ago), we have the logical extension of the 'let somebody tattoo an ad on you for money' - mymilliondollarbody.com:

Following the succes of the million dollar homepage, a Stockholm copycat is offering advertisers to have their logo tatoed onto his body.

The million dollar homepage sold pixels at a rate of $1 each. The 21-year-old Swede plans on charging $1000 per square centimeter with a minimum purchase of 4 sq.cm.

go1denpa1ace.com is the greatest online casino over! Loosest virtual slots - 3-wheel, 5-wheel, progressive! $2 blackjack tables! Free Texas Hold-Em lessons and tournaments ($10,000 cash prize!)! High-stakes gambling, too! Log in and see the weeping Jesus rock, the Virgin Mary cheese toastie, and the haunted walking stick! All at go1denpa1ace.com, the bestest online casino ever!

Of course, they probably had enough room to do that here.

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Tags: White Trash

Tattle-Toes

Stupid tattoos is a frequent WTW topic for me, and although I've heard of (and blogged about) people using them to advertise (e.g., here and here), I've never heard of someone using them to advertise themselves as White Trash.

Until today. It was his toes that tipped off the police:

CLEARWATER - Richard Costello was tripped up by his own toes, police say.

Costello, 29, was trying to hawk stolen motorcycle parts on eBay, so he laid the items on a linoleum floor and took photographs for the Web site, said Clearwater police Sgt. Greg Stewart.

Costello's feet could be seen poking into some of the images, but it was his toes - tattooed with letters spelling "White Trash" - that got him caught.

The case goes back to March 6 when a 2002 Yamaha motorcycle worth $6,000 was stolen from an apartment complex parking lot on Nursery Road in Clearwater. Owner Derek Lombard called police but continued to investigate on his own.

Lombard, 24, searched eBay and found what he thought were parts from his motorcycle for sale. He told detectives, who analyzed the photos.

They noticed "White" on the right foot and "Trash" on the left. Investigators searched jail records, which noted Costello's branded digits.

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Tags: White Trash

Today's White Trash Public Service Announcement

A well-established trait of White Trashers is the belief that safety warnings are for other people. Sure, they can go a bit overcautious sometimes and be a bit nonsensical at other times (not to mention that making them is hard goddam work), but most of us can tell the difference between warnings we can ignore and warnings we need to pay attention to.

But some folks have difficulty with a warning such as DO NOT REACH UNDER MOWER WHILE RUNNING:

A Plantation man who was mowing his lawn this morning accidentally cut off his hand in the process, officials said.

The man, who lives behind the Jacaranda Golf Club in the 9600 block of Conch Shell Manor, was taken to Broward General Medical Center on trauma alert, said Joel Gordon, spokesman for the Plantation Fire Department.

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Tags: White Trash

For White Trash, Life Is Cheap. Real Cheap.

Just because this couple tried to hire a hit man to kill their grandkids, that doesn't necessarily make it a WTW story.

It isn't even the accompanying picture, although I have to admit it doesn't hurt:

No, what makes this a White Trash Wednesday story is the price: Police: Couple Offered Hit Man $100 To Kill Grandkids:

Two grandparents in Lake County, Fla., were arrested for allegedly offering a hit man $100 to kill their three grandchildren, daughter-in-law and the family's pet dog, according to Local 6 News.

First things first: I love love love Local 6.

Second: they expected a five-play for $100? Look, folks, this ain't Assassin-Mart - you get what you pay for. Actually, in a bit of sloppy headline-writing, it is revealed that the Benjamin was only a down payment:

"(The couple) met with the so-called hit man, where they paid the hit man $100 in cash as a down payment for the murder of the wife and her three children," Lake County Sheriff's Office spokeswoman Christie Mysinger said.

. . .

Investigators said the rest of the money was to be paid to the hit man after the family members were killed Tuesday night.

And for the kicker, here's why Grams and Gramps were shopping at Killers-R-Us:

After an investigation, authorities said the couple's son, Jason Jackson, 31, concocted the alleged murder-for-hire plan from jail and asked his parents to seal the deal, Bolden said.

The 31-year-old is awaiting trial in a sexual molestation case, and his wife and children were scheduled to testify against him.

Ding ding ding! White Trash Trifecta pays 23,700 to 1!

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Tags: White Trash

White Trash Noise Machine

In commemeration of Bob & Tom's recently-announced impending re-release of their entire back catalog (although I have to wonder whether they'll dub all the Q95-specific stuff from the early days), I've got the lyrics to White Trash Noise Machine, one of my all-time favorite bits. Lyrics after the jump; song snippet here.

ANNOUNCER: Oh sure, you grew up in a trailer park, but now that you've made it big and moved to the suburbs, you just can't sleep at night. You've thought about purchasing one of those expensive white noise machines that claim to create a soothing wall of sound, but tell me: do you really think that white noise is relaxing?

[FX TELEVISION STATIC]

REBA: Hell no!

ANNOUNCER: 'Hell, no' is right... darlin'. Do you have trouble sleeping at night?

REBA: Shore do!

ANNOUNCER: Let me guess - did you grow up in a trailer park?

REBA: Shore did!

ANNOUNCER: Well, Friggemall Home Health Products, a division of Bob & Tom Industries, has just the thing for you. Forget about that white noise machine - what you need is the White Trash Noise Machine!

REBA: The White Trash Noise Machine?

ANNOUNCER: That's right. The White Trash Noise Machine features dozens of the same soothing trailer park sounds you remember from your childhood. You'll feel safe and secure, and drift off to sleep like a little White Trash baby. Just press the button and listen:

WHITE TRASH TEENAGE GIRL [RECORDING]: Get up, daddy, you're crushin' my smokes!

WHITE TRASH MAN [RECORDING]: Hush up! Has anybody seen my chewin' tobacco? And where the hell's the toothpaste? I need to brush my tooth!

ANNOUNCER: Ah, yes. Nothing is more comforting than the White Trash Noise Machine.

WHITE TRASH WOMAN [RECORDING]: It is too your baby, Cletus! It's just a coincidence he looks like Morgan Freeman.

CLETUS [RECORDING]: Ah'm gonna kill you!

ANNOUNCER: You'll also get these relaxing White Trash sounds: a Camaro falling off the blocks...

[F/X CRASHING]

ANNOUNCER: ...flyswatter...

[F/X BUZZING FLY HIT BY FLYSWATTER]

ANNOUNCER: ...a bullhorn from the TV show Cops...

COP [RECORDING, THROUGH BULLHORN]: Drop the snake and put your hands on the car.

ANNOUNCER: ...the sound of a marijuana bong...

[F/X SPARKING LIGHTER, INHALING, BUBBLING WATER]

ANNOUNCER: ...and every single song from Tim Wilson.

TIM WILSON IMPERSONATOR: Heyyyairrhuhho. [F/X GUITAR STRUM]

ANNOUNCER: With the White Trash Noise Machine, you'll always get a good night's sleep. Check out these unsolicited testimonials:

WHITE TRASH MAN: Ah tell you what - this White Trash Noise Machine knocks me out faster than an Oxycontin and a 12-pack of PBR.

WHITE TRASH WOMAN: Y'know, after I won the lottery, I just couldn't sleep in this big ol' faincy house. But I couldn't take sleeping pills on account of that damn court-ordered drug testing. Shoot, nowadays I can sleep in until it's time to go out on the porch and watch Jerry Springer. Thank you, White Trash Noise Machine. Jesse! Justin! Jasper! Jacob! Get in here and go get cleaned up. Your daddies are stopping by today. You too, Jamal.

ANNOUNCER: It's a White Trash Noise Machine! Order now, and you'll receive, as our gift to you, the White Trash Aromatherapy Machine. You'll enjoy all those comforting smells you remember from your childhood. There's Cheez Whiz...

[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]

ANNOUNCER: fried baloney...

[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]

ANNOUNCER: Jack Daniels...

[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]

ANNOUNCER: Jack Daniels and vomit...

[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]

ANNOUNCER: Jack Daniels, vomit, and Cheez Whiz...

[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]

ANNOUNCER: gunpower...

[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]

ANNOUNCER: ...and, of course, poopy diapers.

[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]

REBA: Whoo! Now that brings back memories!

ANNOUNCER: Right you are, Reba, you mayonnaise sandwich-eating cracker! The White Trash Noise Machine! And if you order right now, you'll also receive these White Trash sounds:

ANNOUNCER: Restraining order...

ANGRY WHITE TRASH MAN [RECORDING]: It's gonna take more than a damn piece of paper to keep me from seeing you, sweetheart!

ANNOUNCER: ...repo man...

[F/X WRECKER DRIVING AWAY]

WHITE TRASH MAN [RECORDING]: Aw, come on, man! The check's in the mail!

ANNOUNCER: ...propane heater exploding...

WHITE TRASH MAN [RECORDING]: Hey, baby, you smell something?

[F/X EXPLOSION]

ANNOUNCER: The White Trash Noise Machine, from Friggemall Home Health Products, a division of Bob & Tom Industries... y'all.

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Tags: White Trash Bob & Tom Dave Dugan

'Twice As Many Wheels As Evel Knievel' = 'Twice As Far,' Right?

Quad Bike - check.

Alcohol - check.

Stupid stunt to impress friends - check...

It's the prototypical White Trash Wednesday story:

A 25-year-old Rex man, who police believe had been drinking, died early Wednesday morning after trying to jump a 46-foot-wide ravine on a four-wheeler, Clayton County police said.

The mix of alcohol, impaired judgment and darkness probably cost Charles Edward Parker II his life, Assistant Clayton County Police Chief Jeff Turner said.

. . .

Knowing the construction site on Bell Road where the vehicle had been used in the past, Turner said Parker’s roommate discovered the body next to the 15- to 20-foot deep ravine at about 7 a.m. Police said the four-wheeler had rolled back into it.

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Tags: White Trash

Don't Mess With My Favorite Island

This is more like a regular WTW story - dumb guys doing dumb things with stolen property:

Five men were arrested just hours after they broke into ten homes and 20 vehicles on Oak Island and sent a stolen car into the ocean.

The men, all from out of town, reportedly confessed when confronted by police Tuesday morning. And the town’s former police chief, Speedy Ingram [! - ed], led police to the suspects.

Ingram detained two teenagers for vandalism at Oak Island Golf and Country Club. The two reportedly tore out signs and threw them in trees and damaged putting greens, Sgt. Loren Lewis with the Oak Island Police Department said. Ingram, who now works at the golf course, also told police there had been other vandalism incidents.

. . .

The men also reportedly stole a car from a home on Augusta Drive and took it joyriding around town before they drove it into the ocean at Caswell Beach. They took a chair from the back of the car and used it to brace the gas pedal down, put the car in drive and let it go, Lewis said. The five apparently weren’t sure of the exact location of this incident, only that it was somewhere between a pier and the lighthouse.

Lewis said an airplane had searched for the car, but had thus far only seen an oil slick and not the vehicle itself.

They didn't even have the common decency to steal a car from another tourist (probably) - most of the rental houses are along the streets that run along the beach strand, and Augusta isn't one of them.

But what I want to know is how they got the car to the edge of the water - I don't think there's anywhere on the island (and there are fifty-some street-end beach accesses on Oak Island) where there's less than fifty yards of sand between the end of the road and the water. Sure, I grew up near Lake Michigan and I used to go there all the time, but it never occurred to me to do anything else but park somewhere solid and walk the rest of the way to the water.

You Laugh, But Can Your La-Z-Boy Turn A 9.63 Quarter-Mile?

I hesitated before deciding to use this for today's WTW, because this guy is way way way more sophisticated than the "Hey, y'all, watch this!" mentality of just slapping jet engines on things and seeing what happens. Then I saw the jet-powered recliner:

and was powerless to resist. [H/T Joe]

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Tags: White Trash

The Only Things Missing Were The Actual Trailer, A Kid Wearing Only A Diaper, And Two Sheriff's Deputies

Double Bonus WTW Post! I suppose this guy couldn't have been too surprised, given that it was anger management class, but I'm guessing he wasn't expecting this:

VALPARAISO | A woman attending anger management classes became irate during a Wednesday morning class, threatened to kill a classmate, then went out to the lobby and broke a display case, Valparaiso police said.

Teresa Prenderville, 32, of 2956 Brown St., Portage, was arrested on charges of intimidation and criminal mischief.

The specialist in the meeting room told police a 26-year-old man walked in and asked Prenderville if the seat next to her was taken.

The specialist told police Prenderville immediately started yelling to the man, "I'm going to put a cap in you and send you to heaven."

Prenderville is accused of repeating the threat several times -- causing the man to become visibly shaken and start crying. She is also accused of threatening another client before storming out of the room.

A staff member told police Prenderville grabbed a plastic display from the lobby counter and threw it, breaking it. The staff member stated Prenderville then punched the display case at the front door, bending the door frame and damaging the glass. The damage is $200.

Prenderville, who was located walking away from the facility, told police she became angry because a man was making fun or her. The staff and the man, however, said he only asked to sit near her.

Police reports state Prenderville does not have a mental disability or illness, but does have a behavior problem.

Nothin' Says Lovin' Like Peeping On Your Cousin

Dude wasn't banging his cousin, he just liked to watch her nekkid:

A woman said she recently evicted her cousin, Richard Strout, from a home both shared.

When Strout did not arrive to pick up his belongings, the woman began moving items out of room, the report said.

During the process, noticed a hole behind a stereo speaker and another behind a poster.

. . .

The womann said one hole was in a position to view her as she dressed and the other hole was in a position to view her in bed, the report said.

She became upset with the discovery and contacted a friend, Michael Cleveland, to repair the damage to the walls.

Cleveland used a black light and discovered the evidence of possible bodily fluids, in Strout's room, directly below where the holes were placed in the walls of the two rooms, according to the report.

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He Had To Use The Chain Saw - His Cutting Torch Was Out Of Fuel

Bonus double WTW! Presented without further comment: Man sets self ablaze using chainsaw to open gas tank

An Ottawa man is in serious condition and was airlifted to the burn unit at Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre in Toronto after accidentally setting himself on fire yesterday morning while trying to cut open a gas tank with a chainsaw.

The Ottawa Fire Department said 62-year-old Stanley Hill had been doing some cleanup work on a rural property at 4679 Ridge Rd., off Walkley Road, about 10 a.m. when, they believe, a spark from the saw caused a small explosion and a flash of fire to spread up his body and head.

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Life Imitates A Bad Redneck Joke

Old joke:

What's the last thing a dumb redneck says before he dies?

"Hey, y'all, watch this!"

Maybe this guy didn't die, but it wasn't for lack of trying:

FORT PAYNE, Ala. -- A Georgia man was hospitalized after jumping from the side of Alabama's DeSoto Falls and plunging 150 feet before hitting the water.

The leap wasn't a suicide attempt since several witnesses reported that prior to the plunge, the man yelled, "Watch this."

Tim Whitehead, superintendent of DeSoto State Park, said 23-year-old Jason Carter of Trion, Georgia, jumped from the east side of the canyon around 3 p.m. Monday. He was airlifted to Erlanger Hospital in Chattanooga, Tennessee, after rescue personnel spent three hours removing him from the canyon. Carter, who was treated for a back injury, was reported to be in stable condition yesterday.

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White Trash Word Of The Day

So you're a hardcore white trash guy, sportin' the mullet like you're s'pose'ta, when one day you notice the 'business in the front' just ain't takin' care of bidness like it useta, so to speak. What do you do?

Mount a pre-emptive strike - shave the top and go skullet.

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Tags: White Trash mullet skullet

Then We'll Get Six Cabbage Patch Dolls And Not Let Anyone See Them Up Close

I figure I owe you another White Trash Wednesday post, given that yesterday's turned out to be much ado about nothing. I didn't have to wait very long, as today we hear about a Missouri couple who pretended to have newborn sextuplets so they could hop on the sympathy gravy train:

GRAIN VALLEY, Mo. -- A couple who claimed to have recently given birth to sextuplets apologized Wednesday night for the hoax, KMBC's Lara Moritz reported.

Kris and Sarah Everson admitted to police Tuesday night that they made up the story, but the couple never publicly addressed the issue until Wednesday night.

"We didn't mean to hurt anybody by doing what we did," Kris Everson said. "We did it out of necessity for financial reasons. Anybody who helped out will be paid back in full."

Moritz reported that the Eversons' plea for financial help included a Web site asking for donations, specifically gift cards or cash.

An Incident Among White Trash Royalty

I imagine the whole WTW team is jumping on this story, and since it's noonish ET at press time I'm probably late to the party, but I have to mention it anyway: LA County child welfare officials visited the White Trash Palace last weekend:

Britney Spears' parenting woes haven't gone away just yet. Two months after she was caught driving with her then-4-month-old son Sean Preston sitting unrestrained in her lap, reports surfaced Tuesday that Los Angeles County child welfare officials and a sheriff's deputy visited her Malibu home over the weekend. Officials would not say what prompted their visit, but at least one tabloid's reported that they were looking into an incident in which Sean fell from his high chair and injured his head. [emphasis added]

1. Perceived risk to the social worker.
2. The expectation that somebody was going to be arrested.

About Sean Preston's 'Humpty Dumpty' impersonation:

The Star reported Sean was treated briefly at a Los Angeles hospital six days after the fall for what was described as a minor "scalp fracture" and blood clot caused by the fall. The Star claimed a distraught Spears brought Sean to the hospital because he was sleeping more than normal.

Update: Other reports indicate that they did indeed take him to the doctor the same day, so sorry about that last part. But the mental picture of a social worker and a cop showing up on the doorstep of the White Trash First Family still makes me giggle.

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Tags: White Trash Britney Spears Kevin Federline Sean Preston

Did The Bride Wear A Veil Or One Of Those Funky Lacrosse Helmets?

Hey, Niagara University - what'd the rednecks ever do to YOU?

Is There Anything Hotter Than a Coed, Dressed as a Trailer Park Bride, Hitting a Beer Bong? Pictures from the Niagara University Women's Lacrosse Team 2005 Initiation

It's worth a look just for the picture:

Many thanks to badjocks.com for bailing me out when I totally spaced on WTW yesterday.

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Tags: White Trash Niagara University lacrosse

White Trash International Case Study 2: Adolescent Female Chav

(Case Study 1 is here.)

The Wikipedia entry for Chav says this:

Chav is a slang term which has been in wide use throughout the United Kingdom since 2004. It refers to a subcultural stereotype of a person with fashions such as flashy "bling" jewellery and counterfeit designer clothes or sportswear, an uneducated, uncultured, impoverished background, a tendency to congregate around places such as fast-food outlets, bus stops, or other shopping areas, and a culture of antisocial behavior.

But enough theory. Let's see an application:

CHAV thug Leanne Black hurls eggs at newsmen yesterday before going berserk in a courtroom.

The obnoxious 14-year-old, who became Britain's youngest drink-driver when she was 12, was hauled before magistrates for being boozed-up at the wheel AGAIN.

The schoolgirl, wearing a white tracksuit, Burberry-style scarf and lots of fake bling, arrived armed with a box of eggs. She threw some at reporters, then pelted a TV crew as a man accompanying her punched a photographer in the face.

In court later Black, branded a "vicious little cow" by neighbours, screamed when she was told she would be locked up. She leaped from the dock, then:

• PUNCHED prosecutor Lesley Gilmore in the back.
• THREW a two-litre jug of water over the magistrates and their clerk.
• KICKED furniture over as she sprinted around cowering probation officers.
• SWEPT anything she could get her hands on from desks, and
• YELLED abuse at the shocked JPs and court staff as she was finally grabbed and dragged off.

But how did she come to be in court?

Yesterday the youth court in Newbury, Berks, heard how the teenager swigged cans of beer at a pal’s house before driving off in her dad Maurice’s Vauxhall Corsa.

Her parents called police when they realised she was missing.

Cops found the girl at Newbury’s YMCA, where her sister Lilly lived, and collared her. Mrs Gilmore said: "Her response to arrest is concerning. She told the officer, "What the f*** do you lot want, for f***'s sake?"; She told the officer to "f*** off"".

The JPs heard how Black did exactly the same 14 months before. Then, she was banned from the road for two years; a technicality as she cannot drive legally until she is 17 . . ..

And here's the punch line, serving as another reminder that the justice system in the UK doesn't quite work like ours does:

She was also given another technical three-year driving ban. Any such ban comes into force immediately and cannot be “held over” until a youth reaches the legal driving age of 17.

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Tags: White Trash Leanne Black Chav

Update: You Mean That Steaks Don't Magically Appear Shrink-Wrapped At My Supermarket?

An update to a local WTW story from last June - Man pleads guilty to theft over dismembered cow:

A man accused of killing, dismembering and taking the legs off a cow last summer has pleaded guilty to a felon theft charge.

Nineteen-year-old Perry Dominguez, of Angola, will be sentenced May 22. A plea agreement filed in court Monday asks the judge to sentence Dominguez to two years in prison, but suspend all but six months.

The cow was found June 24 in a pasture by its owner, Terry Penick, on his farm near Orland about 40 miles north of Fort Wayne.

Court documents say the cow was stabbed and was missing its legs and throat.

I'll have a full WTW story later today, involving a British chick who's a real piece of work, and who appears to be irretrievably broken even though she's only 14.

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Tags: White Trash

When The Tiger Orders Carne Asada, He Spells It "CarneY"

Hey, dumbass - Tigers? Do. Not. TALK!:

GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- A Florida fair worker was hospitalized Sunday after he put his hand into a tiger cage at the Putnam County Fair in an apparent attempt to "communicate" with the animal, Local 6 News reported.

Jason Wayne Hardin, 25, of Westville, stuck his arm into the tiger's cage about 2:25 a.m. Sunday, said Major Keith Riddick of the Putnam County Sheriff's Office.

Hardin told wildlife officers that he was putting up fencing at the fair when he decided to "communicate" with the animal, Local 6 News reported.

The white tiger bit the man and severed a tendon in Hardin's arm.

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Tags: White Trash

Iowa's Darwin Awards Nominee

I don't think there's anything I can add to this story about an undignified way to die:

CORALVILLE, Iowa -- A man died in a mobile home fire Sunday night that apparently was related to fireworks being shot off inside, authorities said.

A body was found near the rear of the mobile home, Coralville Fire Chief David Stannard said. The identification of the victim was pending, he said.

The fire broke out about 7:15 p.m. and burned quickly, a neighbor said.

Shannon Kacena said a man inside the mobile home had been shooting off fireworks. He opened the door of the home periodically and threw fireworks outside, Kacena said.

One exploded under a car in front of the home, she said. She said she kept hearing fireworks and looked outside again and saw flames coming out of a window.

She called 911, but said the mobile home was engulfed within minutes.

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Tags: White Trash

'Twas To No Avail - The Rocks Were Actually In His Head

Today on WTW, it's fun with vacuum cleaners! Listen to this Bob & Tom caller from Monday tell a story about a gas tank, a car wash vacuum cleaner, and an impromptu rocket experiment (MP3) or read the transcript below.

Update: I've been told that this is most likely a BS story, since Mythbusters pretty much busted it in a 2005 episode.

BOB KEVOIAN: Do you have a vacuum cleaner story?

CALLER: Yes, I do.

BOB: What happened?

CALLER: I have a sister-in-law, who had a brother-in-law, who's now deceased, but it wasn't because of the vacuum cleaner.

BOB: Oh, thank Goodness.

CALLER: Yes. But he got some rocks in his gas tank, so he took his car to a car wash -

CHICK MCGEE: Oh, my God!

CALLER: - well, it was a self-serve car wash -

BOB: Uh-huh

CALLER: - and decides to vacuum out the rocks out of his gas tank.

(general laughter)

BOB: Yeah...

CALLER: So he's standing there, he starts hearing a funny kind of a roar, and all of a sudden he turns around and the vacuum cleaner tank goes like a rocket, just blows right off the cement thing that it was bolted to -

(general laughter)

CHICK: No way!

CALLER: Yeah. Well he hops in his car and drives off as fast as he can,

CHICK: Sure!

BOB: Well, yeah, like nothing happened!

KRISTI LEE: Who wouldn't?

CALLER: And then sits and watches while the fire department comes to put out this big roaring fire that happened at the car wash.

BOB and CHICK: Oh, my God!

KRISTI: But did he get the rocks out of his gas tank?

BOB: No.

CALLER: You know, I don't think so.

BOB: I'm sure that they were at the bottom of the tank, gotta be a long way to go to get to the rocks.

CHICK: Well, we know where the rocks were from - in his head! They spilled out and went into the gas tank!

CALLER: So we all had a whole lot of fun with that story.

BOB: I'll bet. Thanks very much.

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Tags: White Trash Bob & Tom

Clearly He Wasn't Drunk Enough To Affect His Aim

(It's White Trash Wednesday in my head, anyway. I tend to get behind the calendar curve when I take a Monday off work)

Once again, I can get my WTW entry from a local story that broke this week:

A 35-year-old Fort Wayne man told a judge he had no excuse for setting another man on fire in June and apologized Monday in Allen Superior Court minutes before being sentenced to 30 years in prison.

. . .

A probable cause affidavit said Roland put a gas hose into the window of his car while at a service station June 29, pumping gasoline on Matthew Marlett, and then used a cigarette lighter to ignite the gasoline. Marlett was hospitalized with severe burns to his torso and arms.

A woman who was also in the car at the time was able to get out before being burned, court records show. Roland told police after his arrest that he hoped Marlett died and admitted setting him afire, court records show.

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The Bride Wore Kevlar

Teenage bride + pissed off dad + threats of firearms violence = White Trash Wedding!

ARMED police surrounded a wedding after the bride’s father allegedly threatened to SHOOT his daughter and BLOW-UP the groom.

Cops with guns hid in bushes and behind gravestones during the service at Moordown St John’s Church in Bournemouth, Dorset.

There was also an alleged threat to blow up the bridal car, so it had a five-car armed police escort to the reception.

But Andrea’s father Antonio Martino, 42, said yesterday: “I have got no idea when these allegations about the wedding were meant to have been made but I didn’t make any threats like that.

“People are just making it up.”
. . .
Zimbabwe-born Brian, 20, and Andrea, 17, from Bournemouth, met just months ago in a launderette and wed after a whirlwind romance.

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Tags: White Trash

And It'll Help You Lose Weight!

Meth makes it way too easy to write WTW entries. Apparently this Arkansas schoolteacher felt the need to supplement her income with a little lab work:

As if the smoke in their classrooms wasn’t enough, a Sherwood Elementary School teacher has been arrested for smoking meth and operating a meth lab in her home.
Detective Ben Skeel, with the Sherwood street crimes division of the Sherwood police department, received information Jan. 27 about a third-grader at Sherwood Elementary who had a very strong chemical body odor. The child lived at 202 Sherwood Ave. and his mother was a schoolteacher. According to Skeel’s source, the child’s safety was in danger, and the chemical smell was from a meth lab.
On Feb. 2, Skeel received information that April Ashworth, 35, a teacher at the school, had an unusual chemical body odor. Ashworth had missed an unusual amount of work in the weeks prior, had undergone a drastic mood change, and had lost an unknown amount of weight in the past couple of months.

. . .

...on Feb. 17, Ashworth went to the Sherwood police department to give information about her sister, Charity. Skeel reported Ashworth’s pupils were dilated and she “had several open wounds on her face which are common for methamphetamine users to have, commonly referred to as picking at imaginary bugs that are crawling on their skin.”

I wonder if she also taught home ec?

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Tags: White Trash

Having A Blast On Super Bowl Sunday

Bonus White Trash Wednesday Thursday today, as few things are more WT-ish than homemade fireworks and explosive mishaps involving same:

According to authorities, Norman Frey and his girlfriend planned to set off some homemade fireworks at a Super Bowl party Sunday.

Arapahoe County Sheriff Grayson Robinson says the couple blew up their car while transporting a balloon filled with explosive gas. Robinson says it's amazing they weren't killed.

The balloon contained acetylene, the gas used in welding torches.

What a shame. They didn't even get to the part where they'd say "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

Tonight, On A Very Special Episode Of Full House...

The White Trash intoxicants of choice are cheap beer and meth - guess which one Jodie Sweetin preferred. Hint: you don't drink it:

Feb. 1, 2006 — As Stephanie Tanner on the 1990s hit sitcom "Full House," child actress Jodie Sweetin portrayed a young, innocent girl who lived in a happy, healthy supportive home.

. . .

When the show ended in 1995, she said she wanted to be a normal kid. She went to high school and college and by age 20 was married to a Los Angeles police officer — TV older sister Candice Cameron was in the wedding party.

But two years ago, she found herself dangerously addicted to one of the most debilitating drugs, methamphetamine. She said she was unemployed and bored and began simply by experimenting. Soon, she was using meth everyday.

The tabloid press reported a three-day bender as well as an intervention staged by her "Full House" castmates — including the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, John Stamos and Bob Saget. [emphasis added]

Wow. When Skeletor and Sister Of Skeletor are in your intervention, you know you've hit bottom. And The Road More Traveled takes a crack (heh) at the question "How come Officer Hubby never figured it out?"

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Tags: White Trash Jodie Sweetin Full House

Only Buy Safe Stuff Door-To-Door, Like Medicine And Investments

Wanna get a tat, but you're too lazy to get off the couch and schlep on down to the parlor? Never fear - if you're in Springfield, Missouri, we'll come to you!

Some women in Springfield are regretting their decision last week to get a tattoo from a door-to-door tattoo salesman. At least one person had to be hospitalized and the others face serious health risks.

Friday night, a man knocked on doors holding a tattoo gun and offering his services.

Featuring state-of-the-art penitentiary-grade equipment:

Tamra Eason described the tool as homemade, but still agreed to pay for a tattoo. So did two other women in her apartment complex.

"It was wrapped with black tape, had a pin underneath it, had fishing wire going through it, you could tell it was a homemade gun," Eason said.

And just look at this handiwork!

And check out these satisfied customers!

Of course, we're not responsible for any side effects:

The next day, Linda Falls passed out and had to be hospitalized.

"I passed out in the store and they said I should have it checked out," Falls said.

All the women have an infection in the tattoo area and have been told to get tested for HIV and hepatitis.

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Tags: White Trash

Next Stop: 7-11 For Pork Rinds And A Case Of Busch Light

A day in the life of Kevin Federline: roll out of the rack noonish, throw a long-sleeved T over the 'beater, and head on down to the ATM to get his allowance:

Looks like he's still a little sleepy. Might be time for a nap.

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Tags: White Trash Kevin Federline

White Trash Neighbors

An oldie but a goodie this week on WTW - Redneck Neighbor, the story of a man fed up with his Caucasian-Refuse-American neighbor (and proof that you can be White Trash without being poor):

October 1997 - 1st Home beautification project

It's dark outside, I'm standing in front of my house and my neighbor does the following: He gets in his car, drives it up to the house on the other side of my house (this house is still being built). He backs his car up to the construction site and opens the trunk. He calmly proceeds to load up the trunk with bricks and 2x4s. Pretty clever, huh?

The following night, at around 9:00pm he decides it's time to build a mailbox post. It's very nice. He used the stolen 2x4s from the previous night. It looks like it's made out of 2x4s except he didn't steal any that were long enough so he nails a couple of them together to get the correct height - I mean, it has to look just right! The mailbox post is not very sturdy so he braces it with an additional 2x4 (at an angle). Click here to see the mailbox (no bracing 2x4 though).

He uses the bricks as edging for his flower beds. They look nice. Especially with the newly planted bamboo trees and the ten gallon fish tank (no fish, just water).

. . .

Mom moves in!

Nothing wrong here. Mom seems like a very nice lady. Unfortunately, my wife wakes me up to bad news again. "Something weird is happening at JD8’s house. His dog is chasing some chickens around the back yard." Unfortunate indeed. Just as I peek out the bathroom window, I see JD8’s mom come out and throw some chicken feed in the middle of the yard. About nine chickens gather around, frantically pecking at the food but Cujo crashes in and spoils the moment. My morning is spoiled as well.

Remember the old "covenant rules" of our neighborhood? Well, there's a sentence in there about livestock (fancy word for chickens and goats). We don’t live in the country – we live in the city. After a quick phone call to our city's "Special enforcement" folks, they promise to come out and give JD8 a warning. The chickens are gone within a couple days. Can you say chicken feast?

Apparently this guy isn't alone in chronicling the misadventures of his neighbors.

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In Fact, I'm Sitting On Someone Right Now!

From iamapirate.com via boingboing, today's WTW Quick Hitter:

More later, probably around lunchtime.

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White Trash Year In Review: Florida

The South Florida Sun-Sentinel was kind enough to summarize a year's worth of White Trash-esque behavior. As in several other WTW posts of mine over the past year, in most cases the race of the person or people involved in each incident is neither mentioned nor relevant:

A Jacksonville man, though, learned it's not a good idea to joke about dead pets. He taunted his wife over the loss of their dog. She took an ornamental sword from above the fireplace and stabbed him through his arm.

. . .

An Ocala area man didn't think through a scheme to end his marriage. He showed his wife a Utah man's wallet and said it was a hitchhiker he picked up and murdered. After a massive search for the body, police learned that the billfold's owner was fine and the suspect confessed he made up the story to get his wife to leave him.

. . .

A drunk Monroe County prosecutor thought it would be funny to streak across a parking lot and hop into a friend's car. The problem was he jumped naked into the wrong car and was arrested.

. . .

And in a rather unusual Tampa area traffic stop, a practical joker put a blue-and-red flashing light on a car dashboard. He stopped laughing, though, after two men he pulled over turned out to be undercover officers. The said they found 7 grams of cocaine alongside the flashing light.

But the piece de resistance had to be this one:

Alcohol was at the root of a Jacksonville Halloween night arrest. A partygoer in a Belligerent Drunk Man costume consisting of a blue sweat suit, a belt made out of beer can pop tops and a Superman-style "BDM" emblem on this chest got a few laughs until he actually became a belligerent drunk man and started a fight with the Green Hornet.

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Flame A Cat, Go To Jail

Angola, Indiana has been the focus of more than one WTW post of mine, and they pop up on the radar again for some truly stupid and cruel stuff:

ANGOLA—Two northern Indiana students have been arrested in connection with a case of animal cruelty.

Angola Police say two students had doused a cat with gasoline and set it on fire.

Investigators say they learned of the torture after the students had bragged about it to fellow students at Angola High School.

Police say a video tape exists which shows about 40 cats being tortured.

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Can Anybody Account For Chick's Whereabouts At The Time Of The Incident?

This would have been last week's WTW story if I'd heard it in time, but enough excuses. Last Wednesday's Bob & Tom featured this story:

CHICK MCGEE: Gunfire and a 32-mile car chase around an outerbelt of a major Midwestern city last night put one man in the hospital and led to the arrests of two other people. One man waiting for a woman outside an adult club last night about seven o'clock when the woman showed up with another man; the chase was on. A guy in a sport-utility vehicle was in the parking lot waiting for a woman described as his ex-fiancee. She arrived in an Impala with the second man, and the Impala left the parking lot with the GMC in hot pursuit. State police got calls from motorists that the two vehicles were speeding in excess of 90MPH on the outerbelt. On the northwestern side of the city, shots were fired from the Impala; several rounds hit the GMC and one of those hit the GMC's driver in the thigh . . .

. . . all of this over a stripper.

And Tom brings the one I was thinking of:

TOM GRISWOLD: Time to get back to the meth lab.

By the way, I think I know why Chick was reluctant to identify the location any more specifically than 'a major Midwestern city' - it happened in Indy!

According to the State Police, the trouble started at P.T.'s Showclub, 7916 Pendleton Pike. A man in a GMC sport utility vehicle was in the parking lot, waiting for a woman described as his ex-fiancee. She arrived in a Chevrolet Impala with the second man, and the Impala left the parking lot with the GMC in pursuit.

State Police then got calls from motorists that the two vehicles were speeding on I-465.

In the area of the 71st Street interchange on the Northwestside, shots were fired from the Impala. Several rounds hit the GMC, and one of those hit the GMC's driver in the thigh.

Thanks to Google Earth, we can put Chick's reluctance in perspective:

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Nothin' In Here 'Bout "Uncle Dad"

Lots of great White Trashiness in The Stranger's tribute to uncles:

Thanksgiving always seemed like the biggest holiday for Uncle Chuck: He would sit on our couch, which my mother would cover with a clean bed sheet before he arrived in order to save the furniture from his ripe and, at times, fungal smell. He would drink beer after beer, trying to egg my father on in matters of politics and religion. The football games would go on and on, and there Chuck would sit, beer in hand, irritating everyone, refusing to leave.

The story—as I've pieced it together—is this: Mom crawled into her cousin's bed and fell asleep. A few hours later, she awoke to find her uncle staring at her, crouched beside the bed, his hand beneath the sheets. Her cousin woke up, locked eyes with her father, and told him—in a way that made it seem like she'd been through this before—to knock it off. Mom's uncle sauntered out of the room.

Deep into his cups, Squint would fight or pass out. The frequent combo of both left him without a driver's license, confining him to his parents' home. They lived out in the country, 15 miles from the nearest town. If he couldn't drive, he'd hitch a ride, but that didn't always work once the neighbors caught on. A few times, he turned the shotgun on my great-grandmother, demanding the car keys, which she also kept stashed away.

Uncle Harry was a drunk and behaved like an adolescent, which made him a total blast and our favorite uncle when my siblings and I were kids. He'd lost his thumb in a lawn mower accident and would stick the stub up his nose at dinner. Adults mostly tolerated Uncle Harry's behavior because of his humor and charm, and his easy way of making people feel special. I adored Harry until, as a teen, I learned of one of his childhood pranks—one night he poured gasoline on the family cat and lit it on fire to watch it run around in the dark.

But I think this one takes the cake:

When I was about 8 or 9 years old, I molested my uncle. I made him do something. I made him touch me.

It was a Sunday night, the weekly evening reserved for homemade ice cream at grandma's house. She actually wasn't even my real grandma—she was the woman my real grandfather married after divorcing my real grandmother. Their children were half-siblings of my father's and I didn't care much for these weekly meetings of the illegitimate Corton family, and after years of sorrowful campaigning, my dad finally gave up and we stopped visiting.

But before that fateful day, I had a profound homosexual moment with my Dad's half-sister's husband: Uncle Gary.

Of course, not every story is yee-hawing fun:

When you take that step to fully accept your transsexuality, nobody tells you you've signed up to star in Adolescence II: Super Dorky Bonus Round.

All WTW kidding aside, there are a lot of interesting stories and I recommend you read the whole thing.

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White Trash Superfecta

I'll see your 'traffic violation right in front of a cop while holding a beer' and raise you 'drugs in the car' and 'driving while revoked:'

Making an illegal left turn in front of police is not the dumbest thing a driver can do. Making an illegal left turn in front of police with five open beer bottles and cocaine in the car, however, ranks fairly high on the stupid scale. Police said a 38-year-old man did just that early Saturday morning. To boot, the man was allegedly driving a friend’s car with a revoked license. Police cited the car owner for allowing an unlicensed person to drive the vehicle.

As in some other WTW posts I've done, the race of today's hero is neither specified nor relevant.

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Now It's More Of A Greenish-Blue Tea...

Unconventional toxicity is another White Trash staple, so it's only fitting that today's WTW features a woman who tried to off her hubby by spiking his green tea with anti-freeze:

A Lake Mary, Fla., woman was arrested on suspicion she tried to kill her husband by putting anti-freeze in his green tea, according to a Seminole County sheriff's report.

Investigators said Alisa Freeburn, 38, allegedly gave her husband the anti-freeze-laced drink on Nov. 4. She allegedly told him that it was green tea, according to the report.

After drinking the green tea, the man became ill and was hospitalized.

It's funny to me because not even an hour ago, I caught one of my friends in his office and asked: "Got any vodka? How 'bout Everclear, got any Everclear? Paint stripper? Bleach? Kerosene? Roundup?" because it's just been that kind of afternoon for me.

I didn't think to ask him for antifreeze.

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Oi! Woite Troish Wedsdy!

The UK has what is called an anti-social behaviour order, which is kind of like a restraining order but broader in its applicability:

. . .is a civil order made against a person who has been shown to have engaged in conduct which caused or was likely to cause alarm, harassment or distress to one or more persons not of the same household as himself (or herself) and where an ASBO is necessary to protect relevant persons from further anti-social acts by the Defendant.

Interestingly (and most relevantly for today's topic), the Wikipedia article goes on to say

ASBOs are often linked with the chav or ned stereotype.

Chav is popular slang term that originated in England but is now used throughout the United Kingdom. It is usually used in a derogatory fashion, referring to a subcultural stereotype of a person with:

• fashions such as flashy "bling" jewellery and/or counterfeit designer clothes (particularly Burberry);
• a tendency to congregate around places such as fast-food outlets or other shopping areas;
• a culture of antisocial behaviour.

In the past such people have been called yobs.

. . . "chav" has similarities to American terms such as "white trash" and "trailer trash . . .."

So it seems reasonable to expect that your everyday Chav would be familiar - perhaps too familiar - with the concept of ASBOs. But I'm willing to bet that this is the first case of a misworded ASBO resulting in a license to par-TAY:

A teenager has been given an Asbo ordering him to get drunk in a court blunder

The error was only noticed when the 15-year-old ended up in front of magistrates again for an alleged breach of the conditions.

Magistrates heard the youngster, who cannot be named, was technically breaking the law if he was found walking the streets of a quiet market town without alcohol.

The order also required him to use threatening behaviour likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress to members of the public in Alnwick, Northumberland.

The Asbo - issued last February after a string of complaints - reads 'without' rather than 'with', reports the Daily Mirror.

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White Trash Halloween

I was Googling around for some White Trash Halloween costumes, and you know what? I didn't find all that many. A lot of them looked like this one [ref]:

Or this one [ref]:

Although this variant [ref] was particularly elegant (and thus kind of missed the point):

I was able to find some good ones, though. Check out damitdon.com, two at Zarkle's World (search for 'Goth Raggedy Ann;' there's another Cletus not quite halfway down), and another one here.

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OK, So Maybe 'White Trash' Is Synonymous With 'Drunken Stupidity'

Whiteski Trashski Wednesdayski, Thursday Edition. Man Drives Off Bridge, Lands In Tree:

A drunk Russian escaped unhurt after careering off a bridge in his car and landing in the branches of a tree 30ft below.

Nikolay Voronov, from Tomsk, was driving home after a night boozing with pals when he lost control of his Toyota Carina.

He smashed through barriers on the side of a bridge going over the River Ushaika, Komsomolskaya Pravda reported.

But instead of plunging into the waters 60ft below, the car fell 30ft and landed in the top branches of the only tree within miles.

Rescue services who were called out by passersby who spotted the car perched on the top of the tree said Voronov was unhurt.

The car, which they managed to lower down from the tree using a winch, suffered only minimal damage.

And if I'm going to be late, I'd better bring some more. Like maybe some more Arby's:

Sometimes, you'll do anything to get your hands on some Arby's.

Two North Platte, Neb., men are facing up to 20 years in jail for allegedly breaking into an Arby's Roast Beef Restaurant (search) while drunk to fire up the grill in the middle of the night, according to the North Platte Bulletin.

Police said quite a fiesta ensued, with beer cans lying everywhere and the fryers fired up once officers arrived at the scene.

Eighteen-year-olds Ian M. Nichelsen and Tyler P. Clouatre apparently felt so at home inside the restaurant that they answered a phone from a 911 operator who had been tipped off by an Arby's employee who arrived to open for the day at 4:30 a.m. and saw two men inside.

And what White Trash Wednesday (sort of) would be complete without a meth reference?

CHARLESTON, W.Va. (AP) — David Douglas Griffy II's alleged escape from authorities seemed to be going well when he broke free from deputies and jumped into the Kanawha River.

But deputies weren't too worried: Griffy was still handcuffed behind his back. Authorities waited for him on the riverbank and took him into custody again.

Police believe Griffy, 23, smashed a Dollar General store window with a tire tool so another man could steal cold medicine used to make methamphetamine.

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Life Imitates 'Dukes Of Hazzard'

Welcome back to White Trash Wednesday, or as I call it, "Life In Northeast Indiana:"

Fort Wayne police were called to 6400 W. Jefferson Blvd. at 6:34 p.m. Friday in the parking lot in front of the Cap-N-Cork store, a police report said.

Witnesses told police that Marsha Strutz drove into a field next to the parking lot and then drove up a hill with enough speed that she went airborne and landed on top of another vehicle in the parking lot at Covington Plaza, the report said.

Strutz, 57, of Winter Field Run, then hit three other parked vehicles before a wheel fell off her car, the report said.

I don't need to mention this, but I add it for completeness:

Police arrested Strutz on two counts of operating a vehicle while intoxicated, one count of felony operating a vehicle while intoxicated, and one count of operating a vehicle while intoxicated by a controlled substance, the report said. She was no longer in police custody Sunday night.

This is the third time Strutz has been charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated in the last year in Allen County, the report said.

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Ya Gotta Be Smarter Than Your Dog...

So how do you say 'White Trash Wednesday' in Bulgarian, anyway?

35-year-old hunter Ivailo Nedkov from the Drianovets village in the northeastern Bulgaria went hunting on Wednesday morning with his Drathaar dog. Dogs of this breed are very energetic and helpful in fowling.

Ivailo managed to shoot a couple of quails and as he was going to pick up the second bird he was left behind by his own dog who grabbed it and did not want to let go.

The master angry at his dog started beating him with the gun butt trying to take away the quail. During the struggle the dog pulled the trigger with his paw and the gun fired a shot.

The hunter was wounded in his chest and was taken to the hospital to take out the shop [sic].

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Unfortunately, Cletus Is Still In The Gene Pool

I gotta figure this truck was stolen, because I can't see any self-respecting Caucasian-Refuse-American doing this with his own truck...

(Not sure why the embedded video isn't working. Try the external link below)

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Because You Can Easily Convert "Auditorium" To "Sexatorium"

The ethnicity of the folks involved in this story isn't mentioned, but this is classic White Trash behavior so it doesn't matter what color they are:

A 39-year-old Lebanon woman was sentenced to 30 days in jail Wednesday after pleading guilty to allowing an older man to have sex with her underage daughter.

Donna Rose, who lives on Hunters Run, not only gave Curtis Lee Barnes oral permission to have sex with her then-15-year-old daughter, she signed a permission slip, Warren County prosecutors said Wednesday.

"... he always had and will (have permission to have sex) until she is 18 or until they break up," states the permission slip that Barnes gave to investigators after the young teen got pregnant.

The slip is signed by the mother and there is a signature of a witness, court officials said.

You know, when I was in junior high school and wanted to get a pass to, say, go to the bathroom, I would always hand the teacher a pencil hoping they'd use it to write out the pass. Then I'd keep the pass after I used it, erasing inconvienient details like date, time, and destination (leaving the signature), so I could reuse it later for, shall we say, activities without official sanction.

Having said that, I have to admit that I didn't think anywhere near as big as this guy.

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The Eyes, It's The Eyes! OK, And The Teefus Too.

I'm thinking about just renaming this category 'Local6 Wednesday,' because lately it seems like I'm just channelling them:

A 64-year-old woman in Lake County, Fla., is arrested for allegedly shooting her sleeping husband in the head and then killing his dog.

Police said Codelle Borgman shot her husband three times in the head and once in the abdomen at close range while he was in bed.

What makes this story is the picture:

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For Sale: 2003 Human, Low Miles. $1000 OBO

I am going to have to seriously rethink my plan to move up to Steuben County in a few years, because we have yet another WTW story that takes place there. Angola teen accused of trying to sell son for $1,000:

Wearing an orange Steuben County Jail uniform and her shoulder-length hair in braids, a 19-year-old Angola mother appeared in court Monday to answer a charge that she tried to sell her 2-year-old son to his paternal grandparents.

Britney Ranee Asbury, of the 570 block of South County Road 300W in Angola, was charged with one count of attempted child selling, a Class D felony that could bring six months to three years in prison. A plea of not guilty was entered for Asbury on Monday in Steuben County Magistrate’s Court.

According to court documents, Asbury entered into a written agreement with Richard and Penny Good of Orland, grandparents of her son David, on Thursday for the sale of the toddler. Penny Good’s son, Adam Crabtree, is the biological father of David, according to court documents.

Asbury received $200 from the Goods on Thursday and offered to sign guardianship of David over to the couple for an additional $800, court records said.

The Goods contacted police Friday morning about the deal, and Asbury was arrested Friday and remained in jail over the weekend.

Asbury, who is six months pregnant with a different man’s child, spoke in a shaky voice Monday to Steuben County Magistrate Randy Coffey, occasionally wiping away tears as he questioned her. [emphasis added]

I have to wonder why the grandparents entered into a written agreement to buy the child, then contacted the police. Something tells me we haven't heard the last of this story.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Most of my fellow WTW'ers focus on Funny White Trash, and since chronicling Stupid White Trash is starting to get to me, I may head that way m'self. Take the whole tour:

Quiet, Please. Quiet, Pl - Y'all Just Shut The Hell Up, Wouldja?!?

Elsewhere in society, golf rage is on the rise. Among our favorite demographic, local6.com tells us about mini-golf rage: Woman Accused Of Slamming Girl At Putt-Putt Course

Police said Darnell Lee Kreuzer of Lake Mary, Fla., was playing putt-putt golf on June 27 at T.J.'s Family Fun Center on South Volusia Avenue in Orange City when she apparently became angry with Julia Coelah and grabbed her.

. . .

"The lady, she picked me up by the leg and grabbed my arm and she picked me up and she threw me and then whacked me with the mini golf thing and I got a big bump on my head," Coelah said.

After the incident, Kreuzer left the center but witnesses wrote down her vehicle tag number. Thursday, the state attorney's office charged Kreuzer with child abuse.

It is unclear what prompted the attack, Local 6 News reported.

Kreuzer told police that she was trying to get the girl out of the way of an oncoming golf ball.

Kreuzer is also accused of swinging a golf club and attempting to hit the girl, Local 6 News reporter Tarik Minor said.

She faces child abuse charges, which is a third-degree felony.

It's A Reg'lar Epee-demic!

First there was Amber Rainey. Then Michele Hutchison. The latest entrant in the Self-Mutilation-For-Cash sweepstakes is Salt Lake City-area math whiz Kari Smith [another local6.com story. Those folks rock!]:

SALT LAKE CITY -- For $10,000, Kari Smith has gone ahead and had her forehead tattooed with the Web address of a gambling site. Bountiful, 30, who sold her unusual advertising space on eBay, said the money will give her 11-year-old son a private education, which she believes he needs after falling behind in school. "For the all the sacrifices everyone makes, this is a very small one," she said. "It's a small sacrifice to build a better future for my son," she said. "To everyone else, it seems like a stupid thing to do. To me, $10,000 is like $1 million. I only live once, and I'm doing it for my son," she said. [emphasis added]

OK, OK. We get picture:

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Use An Air Compressor, Go To Jail

Once again, another true WTW story of local origin. Tossing ammonia tank at police nets woman 6 years:

ALBION – A Kimmell woman was sentenced to six years in prison Thursday, two months after prosecutors say she threw a tank of anhydrous ammonia at police.

Maylene L. McClelland, 32, was charged May 2 with possession of precursors with the intent to manufacture methamphetamine, a Class C felony punishable by two to eight years in prison, as well as possession of anhydrous ammonia with the intent to manufacture methamphetamine and criminal recklessness, both Class D felonies punishable by six months to three years in prison. She also faced a misdemeanor charge of improper storage of anhydrous ammonia.

In a plea agreement reached with Noble County Prosecutor Steven Clouse, McClelland pleaded guilty June 23 to possession of precursors and improper storage in exchange for a six-year sentence.

But Thursday, her public defender, James Abbs, argued that McClelland should be able to serve part of her time on probation because she is pregnant.

Abbs argued that McClelland, whom Abbs said has a serious substance abuse problem [ya think? -ed], could live with her aunt, who would help take care of the baby. McClelland, he said, could report to prison when the baby is a year old.

At least we have a judge who knows the score:

[Circuit Judge David] Laur sentenced McClelland – who has seven other children – to prison for all of her six-year sentence.

“I would have to be from a different world to put you on probation,” he said.

. . .

“Given your behavior to date, I consider (your children) better off with you in the Department of Correction,” Laur said. “It’s up to you to change.”

According to a probable cause affidavit, McClelland was the passenger in a 1989 Dodge truck that led police on a pursuit from Albion east past Indiana 3. She and the driver, Joshua A. Kelley, 23, of the 3100 block of West Tibbot Street in Wawaka, were on their way to DeKalb County to manufacture methamphetamine, the affidavit said.

. . .

Albion officers chased the truck on Indiana 8, getting help from the Avilla Town Marshal’s Office, Kendallville Police Department and Noble County Sheriff’s Department. On Indiana 8, Kendallville officers laid down stop sticks, which blew the truck’s tires, police said.

But the truck continued across Indiana 3, and in the 9600 block of County Road 300 North, McClelland threw an air compressor tank full of anhydrous ammonia at Avilla Town Marshal Glen Wills, police said.

The chemical created a cloud in the air, the affidavit said, and four officers had trouble breathing.

The episode shows that McClelland had no regard for her health or the health of her unborn child, [Noble County Prosecutor Steven] Clouse argued. “Her intent was to go make some methamphetamine.”

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Shirts? They Wore Shirts?

So I'm doing my blogrounds this morning, and I read the results of Dave's bleg for links. One of his new blogrollees is Running At The Mouth, whom I've also blogrolled despite the fact that he's a Domerfan and lives in Columbus to boot. Anyway, while perusing RatM, I find this post from last September about a couple of real Einsteins, one of whom was courteous enough to remove himself from the gene pool. He points to the website of a Baltimore TV station, which has the full story:

Frederick, MD (WJZ) One of two motorcyclists who were doing wheelies and other stunts for a videocamera as they rode half naked along a state highway in Frederick County has been charged with indecent exposure and three traffic violations.

The Sept. 12 stunt ended when Shaun Paul Matlock of Walkersville crashed into a tow truck parked on the side of Route 340.

Monday, police charged the surviving motorcyclist, Brandon Michael Edwards, 21, with reckless driving, negligent driving, and driving with a learner's permit without proper supervision.

. . .

Trooper David Ward said two vehicles were following the group to block traffic from behind, and a third was traveling next to the stunt riders so a passenger could videotape them.

Both men were wearing helmets, shirts and shoes, but neither was wearing pants or underwear, police said. [emphasis added]

Both were doing wheelies when Matlock lost control of his bike.

Naturally, this reminds me of the old joke:

What's the last thing a stupid redneck says before he dies?

"Hey, y'all, watch this!"

[BONUS WTW Stupidity!]

Farther down the page at GR, Dave links to a Kim du Toit post that is a somwhat less fatal example of "HY,WT!"

Below the fold you will find proof that some people are too stupid to live. Let’s start with the premise: "I know! I’m going to shoot a bottle rocket from between my ass-cheeks!"

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No Word On Whether The Security Patrol Drove A Pickup With A Gun Rack

Whoops! I forgot today was White Trash Wednesday (that's a known side-effect of having a four-day weekend - my body still thinks it's Monday). I don't have anything ready, but I can talk about this, and I swear it's absolutely true:

On a drive through one of the many wooded areas in the vicinity of Oak Island, we came across a new white fence running along the road. After about a half-mile of this, we saw a gated boulevard entrance with a nice new guard shack. There was a sign identifying the gated community, but I don't remember what it was. Of course, the fence line continued on the other side of the entrance, but within a couple of hundred yards, we could see trailers on the other side. And I don't mean 'nice new manufactured housing that kinda looks like a regular house' trailers; I mean 'Cletus, get off your sister and drive your Uncle Dad to the county agent!' trailers.

A gated trailer park. Only in America.

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You Mean That Steaks Don't Magically Appear Shrink-Wrapped At My Supermarket?

It happens with distressing frequency - I go into Tuesday night with no idea what I'm going to write for WTW, then a local story just drops into my lap. Like this one:

ANGOLA – Two Steuben County men, one 18 and the other 20, remained in jail Tuesday, accused of killing a dairy cow and stealing its legs, supposedly to eat.

Jeremy Gale Maguire, 20, of the 1800 block of West County Road 120 North, outside Angola, and Matthew David Shaffer, 18, of the 3900 block of South County Road 700 West, outside Hudson, are charged with theft, a Class D felony punishable by six months to three years in prison. Maguire is being held in lieu of $10,000 bail, while Shaffer is being held in lieu of $5,000 bail.

“My understanding is they wanted the meat and that’s the reason they did it,” said Sgt. John Rowe, Steuben County sheriff’s detective. Rowe said he expects to arrest one or two other men.

. . .

Maguire knew that cows were kept at the farm because he formerly lived on the same street, the affidavit said. He and five others met at his house and decided “to get a cow” late Thursday.

The affidavit goes on to explain what transpired next:

The group went to a gas station to get something to drink, then piled into Shaffer’s vehicle and drove to the farm. Maguire shot the cow in the barn with a bow and arrow, which prompted the cow to ram the men, and in the process the animal tore out a fence.

The men chased the cow, and another man shot it again with a bow and arrow. The cow then fell.

Maguire used a butcher kit to remove the cow’s legs. The group then drove to a member’s house and skinned the cow’s legs, put them on ice and ate some of the meat.

Rowe said he’s not sure how the men cooked the meat. Penick alerted sheriff’s deputies at 9 a.m. Friday after seeing the dead cow lying in the pasture as other cows had escaped the fence and were running loose in the cornfield, the affidavit said.

An Angola police officer then reported that Shaffer had been at a gas station earlier, bragging about cutting the legs off a cow, according to the affidavit. Deputies arrived at Shaffer’s house, where they saw blood, flesh and what appeared to be cow hair in the back of his truck, according to the affidavit. Shaffer also had cow manure on his shoes.

I've heard from other sources that the cow in question was worth $7,000, which appears to be about $6,998 more than these Einsteins.

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See? Now Everybody Wants One!

Following in the footsteps of Dangerous Logic WTW poster neck Amber Rainey, this Pennsylvania dipshit is trying to sell ad space on her unborn baby:

When Michele Hutchison's baby is born, she envisions more than a pure bundle of bouncing joy. She also sees a potential billboard.

The suburban Philadelphia mom-to-be is inviting advertisers to put their names on her child's clothing and baby goods, saying the ads are sure to get noticed.

. . .

She got the idea after learning of a woman who offered to have advertisements tattooed on her body.

"I jokingly said to my husband that we should do this on my baby," Hutchison said. "The next day I couldn't get it out of my head."

You know, when your child grows up and learns that you pimped him/her out as a snot-, drool-, and puke-covered billboard, s/he's either going to go Menendez on your ass or sue you for his/her cut of the revenues.

Hat tip: IBeJO

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What's Next? Jacking Up The White House And Putting A Metal Skirt Around It?

I had thought White Trashdom was something we in flyover country had all to ourselves. We make fun of it, but we relish it, because it's people behaving however they want and to hell with what everybody else thinks, and there ain't nuthin' more Murrican than that.

No more. I am saddened to say that White Trash has gone Hollywood:

After making a fortune from his skateboard firm, World Industries, Steve Rocco could have lived anywhere he wanted. He chose Paradise Cove, a woodsy neighborhood on a cliff overlooking the Pacific, where he bought a home for nearly US$500,000 and then spent more than US$1 million replacing it with a Craftsman-style cottage.

But Rocco's place is not exactly on millionaire's row. Paradise Cove is a mobile-home park.

"It's probably the best spot in the Southern California coast," he said.

Trailer parks may conjure images of retirees and low-income families in most of the country, but in Malibu parks that once drew the elderly, working class and bohemian are now being transformed into the new playground for the rich. Here new owners with the means to decorate with marble floors, recessed lighting and Sub-Zero refrigerators are replacing 1970s flat-roof aluminum metal-sided trailers with mobile homes in Craftsman, Cape Cod, Tuscan or Spanish villa styles that come with two-car garages.

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Now Hiring; Only "Raven"s Need Apply

According to Freakonomics, here are the five most popular 'Low-End White Girl Names' in the 1990's:

1. Amber
2. Heather
3. Kayla
4. Stephanie
5. Alyssa

I learned the above while perusing the book at the store (not the part about the dancers), but Slate has an excerpt that discusses the whole baby naming thing in a lot more detail. I especially like this observation:

There is a clear pattern at play: Once a name catches on among high-income, highly educated parents, it starts working its way down the socioeconomic ladder. Amber, Heather, and Stephanie started out as high-end names. For every high-end baby given those names, however, another five lower-income girls received those names within 10 years.

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White Trash Academy

'Dja ever wonder where our rural bretheren learned (sorry, 'learnt') their meth-cooking skills? Well, if they're anywhere near Elma, Washington, they could just go to high school and take Recreational Pharmacology 101:

ELMA - A local woman went 'through the roof' when a deputy took his anti-drug message to high school.

She says he showed students how to make methamphetamines, and she has the video to prove it.

Grays Harbor County sheriff's deputy shows class, "And the reaction will start occurring down there and start bubbling up."

It is part chemistry class and part drug enforcement as a member of the Grays Harbor drug task force talks to Elma High School students about making Methamphetamine.

Deputy shows class: "Then you'll have a little bit down at the bottom, the white stuff, and that's your meth."

We [KOMO-TV] showed the same video to Grays Harbor County Undersheriff Rick Scott. He says it's the same demonstration the drug task force has been putting on for several years, but they'll review it.

The sheriff's office says they don't give specifics about the recipe . . .

. . . and they emphasize how explosive the process is.

H/T chain: PunditGuy via Malkin via hubs and spokes via Garfield Ridge.

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Visit The Royal Trailer Court

I have found our queen (no, it's not the preggo in the logo). All Hail Jolene!

An' Ifn Ah'm Losin', Ah'll Jest Shoot Out Their Taars

Ah herd thet they wuz havin' this Tooour Dee Gawgia race thingy. Ah wunner ifn it's too late t'enter with mah bike:

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Yes, But What We Want To Know Is Are They Back Together?

Here's an update to a February (local) White Trash Wednesday story:

A 25-year-old Fort Wayne man was sentenced Monday to five years in prison and five years’ probation for driving his car into the entrance of a Target store and holding two employees captive.

. . .

Police arrested Hans in early January after he rammed his Ford Thunderbird into the entrance of Target, 6119 Stellhorn Road, just after 4 a.m. on Jan. 7. He had been looking for his estranged wife, who was an employee at the store. She had filed a protective order against him but was not there that morning because she had overslept.

After the crash, Hans told employees he was armed with a gun and demanded money, court records said. Hans then grabbed an employee by the arm, took him through the front of the store and told him he would not be hurt if he followed him. Hans took another employee hostage after releasing the first employee, court records said.

Hans’ wife told investigators that Hans left a message saying: “I’ll gut you like a fish.”

Moments before he crashed into Target, court documents said, Hans called her cell phone and left a message saying, “I’m about to drive through Target looking for you. I want to see you one last time before I go.” [emphasis added]

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Sheriff Mickey Mouse

Abuse of law enforcement power is a pillar of White Trashdom (think Smokey & The Bandit's Sheriff Buford T. Justice or Dukes Of Hazzard's Roscoe P. Coltrane (aw, hell, think of both of them together!). So it shouldn't come as a surprise to regular WTW readers that a Florida sheriff apparently went to questionable lengths to find the address of a person who criticized him in a letter to the editor:

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) -- Orange County's sheriff used driver's license records to contact a woman who wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper citicizing [sic] his staff's use of Taser stun guns and describing him as fat.

Some say Orange County Sheriff Kevin Beary violated federal privacy law when he had his aides use the records to get the address of Alice Gawronski. He sent her a letter accusing her of slander.

It is illegal to access a driver's license database to obtain personal information, except for clear law-enforcement purposes, under the U.S. Driver's Privacy Protection Act of 1994.

"I recently read your slanderous remarks about the Orange County Sheriff's Office in the Orlando Sentinel," Beary wrote Gawronski on March 23. "It is unfortunate that people ridicule others without arming themselves with the facts before they slander a law enforcement agency or individual."

Slander? Here's the letter Gawronski wrote; what do you think?

How many people have to die before we realize that the use of Taser stun guns is a barbaric, torturous and even deadly tactic?

A few months ago I watched on the local news as Orange County Sheriff Kevin Beary demonstrated the "safety" of the Taser by being stunned himself. Seeing him fall to the ground in an obvious state of distress was enough to convince me beyond a doubt that it should not be used.

There was something else Beary established during his press conference; that he would be too overweight and out of shape ever to apprehend a suspect without the assistance of a Taser. I doubt that Beary could even subdue a suspect already in handcuffs. Could this be a problem with all his officers? If two or three officers cannot subdue a suspect, maybe our Sheriff's Office should look at more physical-fitness training instead of resorting to these inhumane Taser guns.

Alice Gawronski

Winter Park

Since this was a published letter and not an oral statement, I'm certain that Beary meant libel rather than slander (and the fact that the head law enforcement official of Disney County apparently doesn't know the difference between them should raise a few eyebrows among residents of the Magic Kingdom).

The only thing I saw in that letter that could remotely be considered actionable was the statment "There was something else Beary established during his press conference; that he would be too overweight and out of shape ever to apprehend a suspect without the assistance of a Taser."

Beary's response (from the AP article):

"During my Taser incident, I was never under any duress," he [Beary] wrote Gawronski, adding that his heart activity was monitored by a doctor. Before the test, the 5-foot, 10-inch Beary estimated his weight at 290 pounds.

Update: Beary says he's sorry (link also gets you to the taser video, if you're so inclined - local6.com does it again!).

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He Pulls Out A Car, You Pull Out A Gun - That's The Allegan County Way

Wanna run from the cops in Southwest Michigan? Be prepared to take a bullet, then do hard time:

A Holland man was sentenced for assaulting a police officer and fleeing and eluding during an August 2004 incident where he was shot three times by police.

Thomas Lee DeJonge, 39, pleaded guilty in February to fleeing and eluding and pleaded no contest to assaulting a police officer.

Allegan County Circuit Court Judge George Corsiglia sentenced DeJonge to between three and 10 years in prison for the felonies.
. . .
According to state police, the incident began when deputy Mike Mshar tried to stop a vehicle southbound on M-40 because its taillights weren't operating after dark. DeJonge did not respond and didn't pull over, fleeing west. He also drove into the deputy's' vehicle, forcing him off the road. At that point, deputy Todd Vanderhulst took over the pursuit and followed the vehicle down a two-track in the woods off 138th Avenue in Laketown Township, where it was wedged against a tree.

The deputy got out of his patrol car to call DeJonge out of his vehicle and DeJonge responded by shifting into reverse and accelerating. Vanderhulst fired five shots, hitting DeJonge three times.

This next quote reminds me of the Menendez Defense ("But your honor, you must show mercy for this man who killed his parents - he's now an orphan!"):

DeJonge's lawyer, David Dodge, filed a motion asking Corsiglia to ignore the Michigan sentencing guidelines in the case because of the severe pain and physical problem s DeJonge has suffered since the shooting.

"I have unspecified nerve damage," DeJonge said. "Burning sensations in my thighs."

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I'm Kickin' My Ass!

OK, so my previous story was a bit of a reach for WTW. Let's try this one: a Michigan man stabbed himself to death and tried to pin it on his neighbor:

An autopsy revealed a twist in a local deadly stabbing investigation. Police in Missaukee county believe a man stabbed himself to get his neighbor in trouble. The stabbing happened around 1:30 Saturday morning in Lake City. Police say 19-year-old Chris Seward got into an argument with his neighbor . . .. Seward later called 911, saying the neighbor stabbed him. Investigators think Seward stabbed himself twice in the chest while on the phone with the dispatcher. Autopsy results confirm the injury was self inflicted.

OK, what do you think I ellipsed out of the previous paragraph? What momentous argument would cause a man to stab himself and try to make his neighbor take the fall, and what thought process would make him think that was a winning play? Think hard!

. . . over a bottle of alcohol.

Update: Patrick heard about the story and commented on it at about the same time I was writing this post. His link to the Cadillac News includes a lot more information, and this tidbit which should surprise precisely no one:

Christopher Seward had been consuming large amounts of alcohol Friday night and early Saturday prior to his death, which police are ruling as accidental at this time.

Because 'Flamingoes' Is Czech For 'No Such Thing As Bad Publicity'

Apparently, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" translates just fine into Czech:

A gang of thugs have been arrested in Prague after they posted footage of their crimes on the internet.

Police swooped on the gang, who called themselves the Flamingoes, after local TV station CT reported how the film had turned up on the internet.

The gang had filmed themselves beating people up and smashing park benches and road signs in the Czech capital.

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This Diaper Changing Brought To You By Dumbasses.com

It looks as if WTW's official walking billboard has come up with another way to whore herself out (I've deleted the name of the purchasing entity since I have no real desire to contribute to their Google score):

[T]he Internet ... famous for eccentric and sometimes outrageous buys on eBay, became the official sponsors of the birth of Amber Rainey's bouncing baby boy, Parker. ... .com was the highest bidder for the honor of sponsoring the happy event, spending $5600 for the privilege. Amber Rainey is the same woman that sold advertising space on her formerly pregnant belly to ... .com several weeks ago.

In true ... .com style, the ... went all out in their role as sponsors. The masks, gowns, baby accessories, blankets, and practically everything in the delivery room displayed "... .com", including a huge banner behind the bed. Even the baby's room at home was similarly decorated, along with fabulous gifts.

"Since we advertised on Amber's pregnant belly, we felt that we should be the ones to sponsor her baby's birth," said ... .com CEO ... . "When she put this offer up on eBay, there was no hesitation on our part. We are happy to be a part of this joyous event and we wish Amber and her new baby boy all the best."

Just so you know, I don't mean 'whoring herself out' as a bad thing. As a borderline Libertarian, I think prostitution should be legal in most cases.

Mostly I'm just jealous because I couldn't get sponsorship for my son's birth. Or infancy. Or childhood. Or adolescence.

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They Didn't Mention Appliances On The Porch, But That's OK

Going lyrical today, with the anthem of White Trash Nation: White Trash by the Ricky Rydell Review. Excerpt here; the whole song is available on bobandtom.com if you're a VIP member (VIP direct link here).

Well, I live in a trailer
A great big double-wide
My '70 Camaro
Is up on blocks outside
I got a velvet painting
Of Elvis on the wall
And a two-tone vinyl couch
That I picked up at the mall

('Cause I'm white trash) Don't have a credit card
(White trash) Got a freezer in my yard
(White trash) I'll have another beer
(White trash) The party's over here
Guess I'll go see my old lady
And bum a little cash
I'm a low-life
And I'm white trash.

When I go out to a party
Don't drink Jonnie Walker Red
I just chug a can of beer 
And I crush it on my head
I was drinkin' with my sister
I don't know how much we had
But now I got a kid
Who calls me Uncle Dad

('Cause I'm white trash) But that's OK with me
(White trash) That's just the way I be
(White trash) I'll have another beer
(White trash) At least I ain't a queer.
On my family tree
There only is one branch
I'm a low-life
And I'm white trash.

My ol' lady got big hooters
She does fancy cookin' too
She makes filet of Spam
and bologna cordon bleu
She fills me up with chili
And gives my gut a squeeze
I make her pull my finger
And I always cut the cheese

[guitar solo]

(White trash) Watch wrestlin' on TV
(White trash) I talk on the CB
(White trash) Johnny Paycheck is the best
(White trash) Got him tattooed on my chest
Baby, take a whiff of me
Do you think I need a bath?
I'm a low-life
And I'm white trash.

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Dyslexic White Trash: I Insult Your Girlfriend, Then I Kill You

If I made this stuff up, nobody would believe it, and I swear that the names are real. From the Nacogdoches (Texas), Daily Sentinel:

Jerry Don Hartless was engaged in a heated argument about an episode of the Jerry Springer television program moments before he reached into his overalls, pulled a gun and shot Billy Bob Wallace under the Angelina River Bridge on FM 343, according to testimony heard Tuesday in the 145th District Court.

. . .

Witnesses, including Wallace's live-in girlfriend and his son, testified Tuesday that the two men had been friends before the shooting. If one of them was going to the liquor store, he would ask the other to ride with him, they said.

The friendship apparently went sour when Hartless' boat motor disappeared.

Monday's testimony centered on witnesses who heard Hartless threaten to kill Wallace "or whoever" stole his boat motor. Tuesday's testimony centered on accounts from those who witnessed the shooting.

Donna Rawlinson said that she, Wallace, Wallace's son and another friend, Evelyn Powers (who is now deceased), were sitting around a campfire at the river bridge, prior to the shooting, when Hartless and his wife pulled up in their truck. At first, the conversation was cordial, she said.

That changed when the discussion turned to an episode of "Jerry Springer" that featured a black man who was a member of the Ku Klux Klan, Rawlinson said.

"Don said a black man couldn't be in the Klan," Rawlinson said. "I told him if a black man couldn't be a KKK member, he couldn't either."

Hartless responded by calling Rawlinson a "white [deleted - ed]," then he told her that her "ex-husband held her down while black people (had sex with) her," Rawlinson testified.

"I told him I never had sex with a black man," she said. "That's when Billy Bob started to get up, and Don just pulled out a gun and shot him."

That seems a bit hasty, even for our subject demographic. It would appear that Jerry Don was afeared of Billy Bob's skill and quickness with the ol' pigsticker:

It was the once deadly accuracy with which he had seen one of Billy Bob Wallace's knife throws clip the tail off of a nearby lizard that Jerry Don Hartless said ultimately caused him to shoot his former drinking buddy twice in the chest and once in the back, during an altercation between the two friends.

. . .

He testified that Wallace was a knife expert who carried weapons concealed in his boots and in a scabbard on his belt.

Hartless told the jury he had seen Wallace throw the knife and cut off a lizard's tail, but he had also heard of another instance in which Wallace twirled his knife around, castrated a dog and fed the amputated parts to the animal.

Or was he just looking for an excuse? Back to the Daily Sentinel story:

Defense Attorney John Heath Sr. asked several questions about the knife Wallace carried at the time of his death and the proximity of the knife to Wallace's hand at the time of his death. Witnesses testified that they never saw the knife in Wallace's hand in the moments before the shooting.

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And The Casino Is A 6-5 Favorite In The Suit

So Daisy got the bright idea to sell ad space on her pregnant belly on eBay (look at this picture and tell me you can't hear the banjos. Also, her name's not really Daisy, but whatever). OK, fine, it's a free country and all, although I have to wonder what babydaddy's opinion on the matter is... oh, who am I kidding?

Aaaaaaanyway, there's this little detail about selling on eBay - when somebody wins an auction for something you're selling, you have to either actually sell it to them or not to anybody at all. And apparently this is an issue for young Bobby Sue:

"The highest bidder at first was SunPoker.com but I decided after the auction ended not to go with them and decided to go with The Golden Palace Casino," she said.

SunPoker.com argues that by putting the auction on eBay, she agreed to sell to the highest bidder, reports Local 6 News.

But Elise insisted: "No, even if I was selling T-shirts or anything else on eBay, as a seller, I have the right to decide who I want to sell to."

And you know that (as the above story refers to) my favorite TV station website, Orlando's Local6, would be on the case. Apparently, little Missy Jo is proceeding with her updated business plan:

Racing fans at the Daytona International Speedway this weekend will likely see the pregnant woman who sold advertising space on her stomach, according to a Local 6 News report.

Harp, who is due to give birth next month, faces a lawsuit by SunPoker.com for violating eBay rules.

Local 6 News reported that according to the auction site's rules, once bidding ends, a product must go to the highest bidder and that the auction is a binding contract."

Update: We get picture (thanks to Joe S.):

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No Report As To Whether His Last Words Were "Hey, Y'All, Watch This!"

In today's lesson - a live demonstration of which took place a couple of hours up the road from Dangerous Logic Galactic HQ, we learn the difference between a flak jacket and a bulletproof vest. A flak jacket is designed to stop relatively-low-velocity shell fragments - not bullets, or for that matter, shotgun pellets:

HOBART – A man whose friends initially said he was killed by gunfire outside a Gary liquor store actually died after he donned what he thought was a bulletproof vest and asked a cohort to shoot him.

A friend then shot Daniel Wright with a .20-gauge shotgun, but it turned out the vest Wright had put on Thursday was a flak jacket not designed to stop a bullet.

Wright, 20, was mortally wounded in the shooting and died later at a Gary hospital after two of his friends drove him there.

Why on earth would Wright have asked his friend to shoot him? Here's why:

Hobart police Lt. Leo Finnerty said Friday that Wright was going to join the military and wanted some battlefield experience. So he went to a field in Hobart with his friends, donned what he thought was a bulletproof vest, and then told them: “Shoot me. I’m ready.”

“He voluntarily put on the vest because he wanted to experience what a .20-gauge shotgun would do,” Finnerty told the Post-Tribune of Merrillville.

I'm inclined to think the Army is better off not getting this guy - someone who showed such spectacular bad judgement could be counted on to make a mistake that could get a lot of people killed. Sad that he's dead, but 'Death By Stupidity' is more common than we want to admit.

Sporting Goods, Aisle 3; Domestic Counseling, Aisle 4; Hostage Services, Aisle 5

How could I possibly have missed this Fort Wayne story that happened back in early January (I had to find out in Sunday's News Of The Weird?

Kyle Hans, 24, drove his car through the front of a Target store in Fort Wayne, Ind., in January, down an aisle, where he told employees he had a gun and wanted to see his estranged wife so he could reconcile with her. When the employees informed Hans that his wife didn't work there anymore, he got frustrated and took one of them hostage, forcing the evacuation of the store and an eventual standoff with police. Officers talked Hans down, got the hostage freed and arrested him. [WISE-TV (Fort Wayne), 1-7-05]

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Fishing The White Trash Way

Not far from Evansville, way down in the hills and lakes of southern Indiana, lived a man named Jim-Bob who loved to fish. One day, he was hauling his catch home in the back of his pickup truck when he stopped at a traffic light next to the village constable, Billy-Bob.

"Dang, Jim-Bob," said the constable when he saw the back of the truck, "You musta been out on the lake all day to catch that much. Lookee there - that's one, two... lotsa fish."
"Naw, t'weren't more than an hour."
"Don't you be pullin' mah leg, now."
"Naw, really." Jim-Bob knew Billy-Bob loved to fish, too. "Lissen. I'll pick yuh up bright 'n early Saturday, an' I'll show yuh how I does it."
"Awright."

So Saturday comes, and Jim-Bob picks up Billy-Bob and takes him to a lake. They load up the boat and head out, but instead of going to any of the half-dozen spots Billy-Bob knows are good for bluegill, walleye, and whatnot, Jim-Bob drives them right out to the middle of the lake.
"Tarnation," said Billy-Bob. "You ain't gon' catch no fish here, Jim-Bob."
Jim-Bob reaches into a sack under his seat, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it off his Winston, and throws it into the water.

BOOM! Dozens of fish float slowly to the surface. Billy-Bob is speechless for a few moments, then all the words try to come out at once.

"Jesus H. Christ, Jim-Bob, are yew crazy? That's possession of explosives - "
Jim-Bob calmly reaches back into the bag and pulls out another stick...
"- and illegal demolition - that there's a felony charge - "
...lights it off his Winston...
"- and the Conservation Officer's gon' shit hisself a pink Twinkee when he gets wind of this - "

Jim-Bob calmly hands the stick with the lit fuse to Billy-Bob. "Lissen, are yew gonna talk, or are yew gonna fish?

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Which Scenario - Sugar Daddy Or Ladyhawk?

Today on White Trash Wednesday it isn't dueling banjos, but dueling sleds:

GODFREY -- The parking lot of C & W Auto Glass was the scene of a violent automotive encounter Monday, when two Godfrey men repeatedly rammed vehicles in a quarrel that broke out over the affections of a woman.

"They were basically almost having a demolition derby in the parking lot," said Sgt. Brad Wells of the Madison County’s Sheriff’s Department.

The vehicular tangle broke out between Charles A. Bonney, 63, of the 6400 block of Godfrey Road, and Victor L. Harris, 36, of the 1800 block of West Delmar Avenue, at 12:26 p.m. Monday in the business’ parking lot in the 6300 block of Godfrey Road. [emphasis added]

Witnesses saw Bonney ram his black Chevrolet Camaro into Harris’ white Acura Integra three times, and they saw Harris ram Bonney back two times, Wells said.

Read the accompanying comments; they're pretty funny too. And don't forget to do the full WTW roundup on my White Trash Wednesdayers blogroll.