August 23, 2007
Monte Carlo + Redneck Riviera + Drunk 11-Year-Old Driving + Embedded Beer Ad = White Trash Wednesday!
Reuters has this story from last month:
IAMI (Reuters) - An 11-year-old girl was charged with drunken driving after leading police on a chase at speeds of up to 100 mph that ended when she flipped the car in an Alabama beach town.
A video camera in the police car captured the look of surprise on the officer's face when he approached the wrecked car and got a look at the motorist.
The Mobile Press-Register newspaper said the patrolman saw the Chevrolet Monte Carlo speeding and flashed his lights to signal the driver to stop. Instead, the car sped faster, traveling at up to 100 mph (160 kph) before sideswiping another vehicle and flipping over in the Gulf Coast town of Orange Beach, Alabama, on Tuesday night.
That there's just reg'lar funny (and don't give me no guff. Nobody got hurt - it's funny).
What makes this here thing White Trash Wednesday funny is this screenshot from BBspot:
I think whoever does ad serving for Reuters needs to rethink their algorithms - it's probably not a great idea to put a beer ad in an article that contains the words "drunken driving."
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
August 15, 2007
A Real Whiz-Bang Home Remedy
You've heard of the expression "Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining?" How about "Don't piss in my ear and tell me I've got an infection?" Listen to this clip from hour 1 of last Tuesday's Bob & Tom.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
August 02, 2007
You Can't Say She Didn't Give You Fair Warning
A woman gets picked up for DUI. Not newsworthy, right? Happens all the time. Except in this case Jolene done went and advertised it:
Amanda Lynn Bailey couldn't have picked a more appropriate shirt for her arrest on DUI charges.
The 41-year-old is a dealer for the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Tampa. She was arrested July 31 and charged with driving under the influence and driving with a cancelled, suspended or revoked license.
It was her second DUI arrest in three months.
The shirt in question:
Now I get it. She had to wear the shirt as a condition of her first offense! [H/T FARK]
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
July 11, 2007
White Trash Mother Of The Year
That's right, folks, the adventures of 'Cletus' and 'Jolene' are back after a long layoff. Today's story comes from just down the road in Indy:
An Indianapolis mother says she did neglect her two children. Police found Nancy Dyer's three-year old son wandering I-465 on Dec. 30. At her trial Monday morning Dyer's attorneys and the prosecuting attorney agreed on a plea deal.Kid's got the travelin' jones, no doubt about that. Geez, lady, buy a better lock!
. . .
State police found her three-year-old son Damon wandering I-465 on Dec. 30. Police found Dyer in her apartment with her two-year-old daughter who had been eating food from the trash. Dyer told the judge she was asleep at the time.
Dyer admitted her guilt to a similar incident when apartment complex employees found that same three-year-old wandering in the parking lot just two days before they found him on the highway.
One other thing - she has a three-year-old, a two-year-old, she's pregnant now, and
"I don't know that any time being served is going to solve anything for her," said [Dyer's father Chuck] Lindgren, 65. "I'd rather her go into some kind of program to enhance her parenting skills."I don't think 'parenting skills' will help. She's had five tries to get it right, and it doesn't look like she's figured it out yet.
. . .
Her newborn will be her sixth child. Lindgren adopted a son who now is 15, and 11- and 13-year-old daughters live with their father in Florida.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
May 02, 2007
Look For It On Your Dealer's Shelves: 'Strawberry Really Really Quik'
... or A Spoonful Of Sugar Helps The Medicine Go Down:
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. -- During an investigation last month, Arkansas police officers found a bundle of materials suspected of being used to cook methamphetamine in a trash can. What gave them pause were the packets of a strawberry-flavored children's drink mix next to it.My mom forbade me from buying candy cigarettes when I was a kid in the '70s, for fear that they'd make me want to start smoking (naturally, that made me want them more, so I ended up getting them when she wasn't around and 'smoking' them with my friends down in the ravine behind one friend's house. But I digress). This would have made her blow her stack.
From lollipops to high-sugar sodas, law enforcement officials say they've found meth cut with a variety of candies, drinks and other materials over the years. Officials say the "designer meth" can smooth the chemically rough ingestion of the drug, making it easier for first-time users to try.
And maybe that's what the dealers are thinking, too:
"The drug cartels operate just like any other corporation would -- if they want to increase their market share, then they're going to have to change something about it. This is just an evolution. They've saturated the heavy users, now they are moving onto some other people," he [Chris Harrison, chief illicit laboratory chemist at the Arkansas lab] said.Well, sure. Destroying one's brain, heart, teeth, lungs, liver - no problem there. But one's septum? Apparently that's where Joe Crankhead draws the line.
The latest meth cut, known as "Strawberry Quick," uses powdered drink mix to give the drug a pink coloring. The sweetness of the powder can make meth more palatable and partially masks its harsh chemical taste.
. . .
Because of its chemical properties, meth easily mixes into any water-based liquid. Caffeinated, high-sugar energy drinks and sodas often litter areas where meth cookers manufacture the drug, sometimes used as a chaser to the stimulant, Harrison said.
Outside of drinks, police also have seen meth mixed with a variety of candy, cola and chocolate flavors. Cutting it with something else also may help cutting down the burning sensation some have when snorting powdered meth, Harrison said. When snorted, he said meth can destroy a person's septum.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
April 25, 2007
"Demon Terbakky Done Got A Powerful Hold On Joe-Bob" Or "I'd Kill For A Cigarette"
(I may be a week between entry days, but at least I'm getting WTW out on time.) I've heard of jonesing for a smoke, but this is ridiculous:
A north Idaho man accused of ramming his truck into his estranged wife's home Monday after unsuccessfully demanding that she bring him a cigarette has been arrested, police said. No one was injured.Perhaps unsurprisingly, Mr. Marienau has had previous interactions with the law-enforcement community:
. . .
Caroline Marienau, who said she's in the process of getting a divorce, said Eric Marienau parked his full-size Chevrolet Silverado pickup truck next to her house about 7 a.m., police said.
He went to the home's fence and began shouting for her to bring him a cigarette, Caroline Marienau told police. She said he began pounding on her front door, telling her if she didn't come outside with a cigarette that he would return with his truck and ram her house.
"Eric returned a minute later and rammed the front of the house near the garage area at a high rate of speed. He then backed up and rammed the front of the house at least two more times," Police Sgt. Christie Wood said. "The impact forced a 1993 Ford Ranger that was parked inside the garage to be propelled approximately four feet through a wall into the interior of the bedroom."
Marienau has a lengthy criminal record, which seem to stem from when he shot himself in the head in 1977. Court records show he has a bullet lodged behind his right eye. In 2000, he was arrested for . . .Place your bets, place your bets!
The book is now closed. The winning answers are...
. . . possession of meth and trafficking meth. In 1996, he was charged with three counts of felony forgery and two counts of fraud.
'Fraud' pays 3-to-1, 'Forgery' pays 2.5-to-1, and 'Meth' pays 0.2-to-1. The Fraud-Forgery-Meth trifecta pays 38-to-1.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
April 18, 2007
I Want The One With The Seats In The Pickup Bed That Have Handles Like Joysticks
Courtesy of "Larry King" (voiced by, I think, Steve Salge) on yesterday's Bob & Tom:
Hey, you ever wonder if you qualify as White Trash? Here's a quick way to find out - if your favorite summer memory involves a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a hot makeout session with your step-niece in an above-ground pool, then welcome to White Trashville, population You, man.
Bonus - if you bought the pool with a disability check the factory gave you after you cut off a finger with a band saw while making a bong holder for your Camaro(*)!
(*) He actually said something that sounded like 'ca-MARE-u,' but remember that the gang often rags him about needing to use a larger font when he types up his bits. Maybe he's talking about a Subaru with an aero kit designed to look like a Z28. That'd be cool. Or dorky. Maybe both.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
April 12, 2007
Y Not Bubba? 'Cuz It Be Dam Stoopid!
It's a free country - that's why you've got the right to change your name, and why I have the right to laugh at you when you change it to something stupid:
A southeast New Mexico man has changed his name to Y Not Bubba, and why not?By that logic, I should probably change my name to 'Asshole.'
According to the easy-going truck driver, at birth he was given up for adoption and has spent the next 14 years in and out of foster care, so he decided he wanted a new name, for a new future.
. . .
"Why not Bubba? Everybody knows me as Bubba, so why not Bubba, and that's kind of how the name stuck," he said.
It Could Only Have Been Worse If She'd Actually Gotten The Name Wrong
After a brief flirtation with being on time, White Trash Wednesday returns to Thursdays with a double feature. First up - the latest chapter in the Anna Nicole Smith saga.
You may have noticed that I've pretty much left Anna Nicole alone on WTW. That's because, as I have to admit, I've got a bit of a soft spot for her. Her estranged mother, Virgie Arthur, on the other hand, is a completely different story. I trust her about three percent more than I do Howard K. Stern (which puts my trust level riiiiight around zero percent).
So I don't know which part of this clip from Wednesday's Bob & Tom show was my favorite:
- Tom referring to her as "Fat, ignorant, stupid - she's got it all!"
- Vergie pretending to care about the baby in any context other than the money, or
- Tom finishing up by saying "This is the woman who the mother of the child never wanted to see again."
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
April 04, 2007
Crankretariat Coming Up Hard On The Outside
I can't decide whether the moral of this story should be "Don't bring a horse to a demolition derby" or "Don't bring a car to a horse race:"
An Alabama woman was arrested for riding a horse while under the influence of a controlled substance and using the animal to ram a police car.
Sylvania police arrested 40-year-old Melissa Byrum York around midnight Sunday. She was charged with seven counts that included DUI, animal cruelty and second-degree assault.
John Seals, the arresting officer, said he had to get back in his car and follow York after she allegedly coaxed the horse into a trot. Seals pulled his car in front of the horse to try to get her to stop. She allegedly rammed the horse into the car and went about 50 more yards and tried to jump off, but York caught her foot in the stirrups.
And the punch line?
Police said they also seized a small amount of marijuana, some crystal methamphetamine and several pills.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
March 30, 2007
No Need To Drive Into A Dodgy Neighborhood To Get Your Crank - Our Meth Lab Comes To You!
I don't remember exactly when I actually got White Trash Wednesday out on time, and I'm too lazy to look it up. Anyway, a Florida man (go figure) scores the White Trash Drug Trifecta: meth lab on wheels, holding more, with some weed on the side:
Troopers hit the jackpot Wednesday when they arrested a man driving a methamphetamine lab on wheels, who had drugs tucked away in his armpit, grew marijuana in a tub and was on probation violation for murder.By the way, White Trash Drug Trifecta plus outstanding felony warrant pays 3:1 (I know, I know, that's a pretty lame payout for a trifecta, but you have to consider that this one can't be that rare).
Florida Highway Patrol troopers at 3:50 p.m. stopped Cocoa resident Charles Leon McComas, 46, on Interstate 95 near Mims, for a faulty license tag light on the mobile home he was pulling with his Chevy Z71 Pickup. During the routine traffic stop at a rest stop near mile marker 228, troopers discovered that McComas had an outstanding warrant for his arrest from Suwannee County for violation of probation for second degree murder.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
March 22, 2007
Now Taking Bets As To When She Goes Back In
I was too busy to see this yesterday, but it appears that Her Royal Baldness is (successfully) out of rehab. I have updated my sidebar picture accordingly.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
March 16, 2007
White Trash On Ice. Yes, It's A Double-Entendre.
Tonya Harding crosses paths with Johnny Law again:
VANCOUVER, Wash. -- Former Olympic skater Tonya Harding told sheriff's deputies she thought people were trying to break into her home and had followed her to a towing station, behavior that her agent attributed to an adverse reaction to allergy medication.
The incident, which did not generate an official police report, was outlined in a Clark County sheriff's dispatch log detailing two separate calls relating to Harding's erratic behavior early Sunday.
The log did not indicate that Harding was on any medication, Sgt. Tim Bieber said Thursday.
"I don't know from the call whether she was hallucinating," he said, noting that if that had been the case, deputies typically take people to the hospital involuntarily.
"There's no indication in the log that she was on any medication," he added.
Harding called authorities around 4:50 a.m. Sunday from Yacolt Towing to report that there were possibly four men and a woman trying to break into her residence northeast of Vancouver, Bieber said. She also said they were trying to stash weapons on her property.
. . .
Deputies arrived within a half hour, Bieber said, reading from dispatch notes that said the report appeared to be very implausible.
"It says she was agitated, glancing everywhere. She seemed frustrated that people can't see the people that she sees," Bieber said.
Harding was taken to the home of a friend, who within hours placed another call to deputies saying she was 'tweaking out, seeing things."
But why? Let's take a spin on the old Wheel-O-Alibis:
The former skater's problems arose after she "was prescribed medications which did not interact correctly," he longtime friend and agent, Linda Lewis, wrote in e-mails Wednesday to The Oregonian and to The Columbian in Vancouver.
"Tonya had changed her over-the-counter allergy medication," Lewis wrote. "She then went to the doctor with pneumonia symptoms. She was prescribed antibiotics and cough syrup and given a breathing treatment. She has been very ill, and her breathing capacity was very low."
I guess I'll have to add that to the White Trash Lexicon: 'allergy medication' = 'meth.'
OK, maybe not, but you could substitue 'meth' for 'allergy medication' above and get all the same behaviors.
It's White Trash WednesdayFriday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
March 07, 2007
OK, So There's *ONE* Person Who Isn't Laughing
I was discussing the world's funniest joke (no, not the Monty Python one) with some friends. Not wanting to ruin it with a flawed recollection, I went googling, and found my way to this country-fried video version.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
February 28, 2007
White Trash Probate
If you listen to the show for long enough, it should become pretty clear that Tom is the bandleader - he does almost all the interviews and generally seems to guide the show along, for better or worse. Bob is more like a sniper - he doesn't say nearly as much, but his hit percentage is way up there. Take, for instance, this exchange about everybody's favorite white-trash-girl-made-good-but-now-dead:
KRISTI LEE: Well, the fate of Anna Nicole Smith's body is in the hands of three appeals court judges in Florida.
TOM GRISWOLD: So after that gigantic circus with that idiot, Larry Seidlin...
KRISTI: ...yes, Larry Seidlin, they will decide whether to overturn a trial court ruling that meant the model would be buried in the Bahamas.
BOB KEVOIAN: Even in death, she's pulling a train with the legal system.
And as long as we're talking about White Trash royalty... Britney's still in rehab.
Two Bedroom Fixer-Upper. Or Hauler-Awayer.
Apparently there are about 40,000 abandoned mobile homes in North Carolina, and various legal and financial issues make it difficult for local governments to condemn and remove them. In the interests of making this issue more publicly known and garnering support for proposed legislation to remedy it, the Community Reinvestment Association of North Carolina created a calendar called The 2007 Parade of North Carolina's Abandoned Mobile Homes, featuring pictures of some of NC's not-so-finest domiciles.
Of course, they call it that. Cletus and Jolene just call it 'the real estate listings.'
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
February 21, 2007
And I Volunteer For The First Focus Group!
The latest chapter in the ongoing saga of the divorce of America's First (White Trash) Family: Britney checks into rehab, checks out the next day, shaves her head, gets a couple of tats, and then goes back into rehab.
OK, Mr. Mayor, I thought you were crazy, but now it looks like you're right: Kevin is turning out to be the sane one. And that was a bar that wasn't set very high at all.
OTOH, Britney's career will be fine if the lesbian allegations turn out to be true. She'll just have to change her target demographic from 10-year-old girls to 40-year-old guys.
Update: Aaaaaaand she's checked out of rehab again.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
February 14, 2007
"Uncle Dad Ken" Sold Separately
Bonus WTW today! Mitchieville pointed me to Pittsburgh Barbies, some of whom are right up the WTW alley:
"East End Barbie"RTWT; the pictures make it even funnier.
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills)...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
. . .
"Butler Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
. . .
"McKees Rocks Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
White Trash Academy - MethMath 101
I think we've found the prerequisite for White Trash Academy Recreational Pharmacology 101 -- Math 101:
MORIARTY, N.M. -- Principal Wayne Marshall said a teacher at Moriarty High School made a misjudgment on an algebra test for his students.Next week, in Business 101, we'll go over the market analysis that Smoky's connection used to determine the $1k sales target. Later, we'll drop by the Phys. Ed. department and look at what could happen if Smoky fails to hit his numbers.
A question on the test incorporated a fictional methamphetamine dealer.
The question read, "Smoky J. sells meth. Smoky's source says he has to sell a G's worth of meth by the end of the month. If Smoky sold 240 dollars the first week and 532 dollars the second week, how much money must Smoky make if he wants to avoid the beat down from his connection?"
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
February 07, 2007
Naw, This Cain't Be. She Dun Still Got All Her Teefuses.
I don't care if you are an astronaut - driving 900 miles to Go Springer on a rival for the attention of your beloved is 100% pure White Trash, especially if your beloved's nickname is 'Billy-O':
She was the Robochick. He was Billy-O.I think the BB gun was the best part of that.
According to police, her obsession with him led her to drive 900 miles from Houston to Orlando, bringing with her a trenchcoat and wig, armed with a BB gun and pepper spray, and wearing a diaper to avoid bathroom breaks on the arduous drive.
Once in Florida, Lisa "Robochick" Nowak apparently confronted the woman she believed was her rival for the affections of William "Billy-O" Oefelein. And this tawdry love triangle has one more twist -- it involves two astronauts.
Nowak, 43, a married mother of three who flew on a space shuttle in July, was charged with attempted murder, accused of hatching an extraordinary plot to kidnap Colleen Shipman, who she believed was romantically involved with Oefelein, a space shuttle pilot.
Specifically, police said, Nowak confronted Shipman, who was in her car at the Orlando airport, and sprayed something at her, possibly pepper spray.And together they were going to build a still and start cranking out pepper-flavored moonshine!
At first the astronaut was charged with attempted kidnapping and other counts. Then prosecutors upped the charge to attempted murder, basing it on the weapons and other items they said they had found with Nowak or in her car: pepper spray, a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, knife and rubber tubing.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
January 31, 2007
A Presidential White Trash Moment
Also on yesterday's Bob & Tom, "Bill Clinton" called in to discuss what he's doing with his time now that She Who Shall Not Be Named is on the campaign trail:
"BILL CLINTON": Oh, gollee, look, it's Tuesday, I gotta take the trash out. 'Cause that's when I rub shoulders with the neighborly ladies. Yeah, used to be years ago that was one of my code phrases with the Secret Service - when I said I was going to 'take the trash out,' it meant that I was going to take Paula Jones out!
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
January 04, 2007
White Trash Christmas
I meant to post this on the 20th, or even the 27th, or even even the 3d, but you know how busy things get around the holidays. Anyway, y'all go an' enjoy yerselfs some White Trash Christmas.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
November 22, 2006
White Trash Christmas Toy Extravaganza!
OK, so it's less of an 'extravaganza' than it is "two pictures off an email that's going around (that I would attribute if I knew the actual source)," but here are the two Must Have toys for your fav'rite White Trash young'uns:
Official Jolene Crankhead model. Teach yer kids the skills they'll need to succeed in the White Trash 'conomy. Comes with a hunnert-count bottle of pseudoephedrine. Ether and anhydrous ammonia sold separately.
Includes a coupon redeemable by mail for a "General Lee Up On Blocks In The Front Yard" commemorative plate.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
November 09, 2006
There Are Still People Who Do This.
White Trash Wednesday bonus Thursday edition! I thought the 'With Signs Following' churches were dead. Apparently not, but one of them is now down a parishoner:
A woman who was bitten by a snake at a church that neighbors say practices serpent handling died of her wounds hours later, a newspaper reported.
Linda Long, 48, was bitten Sunday at East London Holiness Church, where neighbors said the reptiles are handled as part of religious services, The Lexington Herald-Leader reported Tuesday.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
November 08, 2006
Go Away. Just Go Away.
I'm in mourning. I don't know how I'm going to face the days ahead.
What's that? The election? What election? I'm talking about the breakup of White Trash America's first family. I thought it was bad when Charles and Diana split up, but that's nothing compared to this:
Britney Spears has filed a petition for divorce from Kevin Federline.That last part is particularly cruel - she knows poor Kevin has no money of his own, so he won't even be able to afford an attorney!
TMZ obtained the legal papers, filed today in Los Angeles County Superior Court, citing "irreconcilable differences." In her petition, Spears asks for both legal and physical custody of the couple's two children, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James, with Federline getting reasonable visitation rights.
As for money, sources tell TMZ the couple, who married in Oct. 2004, has an iron-clad prenup. Not surprisingly, Spears is waiving her right to spousal support. She's also asking the judge to make each party pay their own attorney's fees.
Actually, the real reason I'm distraught about this is that K-Neck is such an easy White Trash Wednesday target. And it seems Britney is smarter than I gave her credit for being, or at has hired people who are:
Britney Spears didn’t pick Nov. 6 as the day to file for divorce from Kevin Federline by accident.Look on the bright side, K-Neck - you're now free to latch onto the next pop tart and ride the gravy train a couple more years (although you might want to look into getting a better lawyer come pre-nup time). And one last thing - know that Vanilla Ice is laughing at you!
She filed two years and one month from the day of her marriage, on Oct. 6, 2004. Her prenup, according to legal theorists, evidently carried increases for Federline for every year of their marriage. And those deadlines, they say, likely had 30-day grace periods.
Hence, Nov. 6 would have been Britney's last chance to get out of paying a third year of alimony settlement to a basically talentless slacker who was a drain on her finances.
breakup of White Trash America's first family.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
October 26, 2006
How Come They Never Pass Out *BEFORE* They Get Behind The Wheel?
Woman Charged With Fourth DUI After Being Arrested With Kids in Car
Shannon Wilkinson, 38, was arrested Monday at a grocery store in Prairie Village, after police were called about an intoxicated woman with two small children.
. . .
Officers said they found Wilkinson passed out behind the wheel of her car, with the car engine running and the children, ages 1 and 4, in their car seats. Her blood alcohol was about three times Kansas' legal limit of .08 and it was her fourth DUI charge, authorities said.
Can somebody explain to me why she wasn't still in jail from her third DUI?
It's White Trash, er, Thursday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
October 18, 2006
I Really Hope Dude Wasn't Trying To Recycle His Food Too
I've heard of re-rolling roaches into new joints, but this is ridiculous - Vista man arrested in unusual meth case:
VISTA ---- Deputies seized jars containing urine that tested positive for methamphetamine Thursday outside a Vista house where a possible clandestine drug lab was reported, a sheriff's sergeant said.I suppose it's safer than trying to steal anhydrous ammonia from the farm co-op to cook up a new batch, but smoking your own piss? Man, that's desperate.
. . .
Sometimes meth users save their urine to try to recover any drug left in the liquid so they can use it again, [Sgt. Mark] Varnau said. He said the jars tested positive for chemicals that might have been used for such a recovery attempt.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
October 12, 2006
How Y'all Like Me Now, Smart Guy?
Bonus White Trash Thursday! I should have known my relatively pious observance of White Trash Wednesday would eventually come back to haunt me, but I have to admit that I never considered that retaliation would be nuclear in nature.
Until today. Iowahawk reports that White Trash America has The Bomb:
In the back yard of scientific researchings behind the Great Storage Shed of the People, Iowahawk scientists successfully conducted above-ground nuclear missile test explosions under secure and many malt liquor conditions on early hours of October 10, 2006, at a stirring time when alarm clocks of the neighborhood have yet to clangle. To the impotent yappings of the neighboring gangster devils, Iowahawk responds: howl away, bourgeois traitors of Lakewood Mobile Home Court! Your pitious lamentations and cowardly 911-callings will never stop Iowahawk from the great leap forward into great and powerful prosperity, using his mighty quiver of nuclear-tipped cherry bombs and fully-fissionable bottle rockets for peaceful unity purposes!
I know what you're thinking - and I never considered Iowahawk a Caucasian-Refuse-American, either, but there you are. Here's a picture of his chief scientist, Chuck:
I was going to say 'I for one welcome our new White Trash overlords,' but an earlier trackback pretty much beat me to it. I hate it when that happens.
October 11, 2006
'White Trash Ma Of The Year,' Nominee #1
I've heard "That dress is to die for" and "I'd kill to get that dress," but I have to admit "I'll put up my child as collateral on that dress" is new to me. Mother Charged With Trying To Sell Child Over Wedding Dress Debt:
Davenport, IA- A Davenport mother is accused of trying to sell her 4 year old son to pay back a $200 dollar debt owed on a wedding dress.Who buys a wedding dress from a street vendor? Anyway, it sounds like Marcy's a real winner in other areas of her life, too:
31 year old Marcy Gant is arrested and charged with one felony count of ''Sale of an Individual''. Davenport police today said Gant allegedly bought a wedding dress from a street vendor who had set up shop on Kimberly and Division. At an afternoon press conference Tuesday, Davenport Police Captain Dave Struckman said ''That on at least two occasions, during negotiations for the payment of the wedding dress, Ms. Gant offered her four year old son as collateral.''
Angie Bruce works near Gant's apartment and says business owners are well aware of her. ''We've had to call police on her, we have restraining orders against her, she's stolen items off our property''.
. . .
Gant's two children are four and ten years old and are in the custody of DHS, based on a prior investigation into their mother.
And here I thought that using people as currency is something you only see in prison.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
September 27, 2006
Prescribed By The Same Guy Who Told Her Magnets Would Help Her Back Pain
Monday on Bob & Tom (hour 2, roughly 29:00), they featured a listener letter that is a perfect White Trash Wednesday story, with idiotic home medical remedies, a woman cranking out kids by means she does not understand...
TOM GRISWOLD (reading from letter): "One of my friends was in her last year of pharmacy school, doing a retail pharmacy rotation. She was working at a nationally-known retail blah-blah pharmacy chain. A woman with four young children came up to the pharmacy window complaining how upset she was that she was pregnant again and that her birth control was not working. My friend inquired as to what birth control method she was using, and she said 'Mountain Dew.'"...and Bob taking the story off the cliff:
BOB KEVOIAN: I'm sorry?
TOM: "She said, 'I heard that if you drank eight cans of Mountain Dew a day, you won't get pregnant.'"
CHICK MCGEE: Can I be excused?
BOB: I think she misunderstood - if you do it in the can, you won't get pregnant.Actually, I think she might have something there - the rampant squirts you'd get from eight cans of Dew a day could serve as a contraceptive in much the same way that Drew Carey's glasses do. Either that or you'd be shaking so badly that your male partner would have difficulty, shall we say, hitting a moving target.
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September 20, 2006
Gas + Match + Chair + Buddy = Hilarity!
From the "What Were You Thinking?" department, courtesy of FARK: Boy burns buddy with gas attack
ST. THOMAS -- A 13-year-old St. Thomas boy remains in hospital with serious burns yesterday after a "good friend" poured gasoline down the back of a chair he was sitting in and lit it on fire.
The boy suffered second-to-third degree burns on his back and may require skin grafts.
A 14-year-old boy, also from St. Thomas, was charged with aggravated assault.
Why this might have happened is unknown, said Const. Glenn Hodgson of the St. Thomas Police Service.
"They were friends. Good friends. There was no argument and there was no fighting or anything like that," he said.
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September 13, 2006
Word Is She's Already Expecting #3
We here at White Trash Wednesday would like to congratulate the First Family for cranking out another White Trashlet (and in true White Trash fashion, before his elder brother is even a year old!):
Entertainment magazines are reporting that Britney Spears gave birth to her second son Tuesday in LA.
Us Weekly -- citing an unnamed family source -- said on its Web site that the baby boy was delivered around 2:00 a.m. at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.
September 08, 2006
A Ho's Gotta Do What A Ho's Gotta Do
Extra Special Bonus WTW Bonus Friday Special Edition!
This one's so hot it can't wait until next Wednesday:
At about noon on Saturday, several residents at Friendly Acres Mobile Home Park, 3574 W. U.S. 20, contacted LaPorte County police.Sounds like dude chose a really bad parking spot for his transaction. Here's another reason why:
A woman was observed having sex with a man inside a limousine parked on one of the streets.
The windows of the green, Cadillac limousine were not tinted, providing a clear view for a large crowd that had gathered, including many children, police said.
Several adults witnessing the activity hollered for the pair to stop, but witnesses said the man and woman continued.
When police arrived, Sgt. John Boyd said in his report the woman was approached, but denied the allegations.
However, the manager of the trailer park, Mark Stantz, informed police the limousine was parked in front of a surveillance camera, which captured what appeared to be a man and woman in the limousine having sex.
When told about the footage, the woman did not confess, but said, "I gotta do what I gotta do for my kids and family," Boyd said.
September 07, 2006
If You Think About It, You Can Use A Camaro On Blocks As A Scaffold, Too
Draft-delayed White Trash Wednesday: WorkSafe Victoria has this illustrated guide to improvised scaffolds for all your Caucasian-Refuse-American elevated work needs. Oh, sure, it's disguised as a series of bad examples, but that's just to make the lawyers happy. How about this beefed-up work platform for your next over-garage job?
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August 30, 2006
Em'ly Pos' Guide To Redneck Etekitt
I'm really pressed for time this week, so I'll dust off this chestnut from 8 years ago that I found while cleaning out my email archive.
- Redneck Driving Etiquette
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
- Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
- Redneck Personal Hygiene
- Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. (Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.)
- Redneck Dining Out
- Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
- Redneck Entertaining in Your Home
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
- If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
- Redneck Dating (Outside the Family)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
- If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
- Redneck Theater Etiquette
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
- Redneck Wedding Etiquette
- Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
- When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
- Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions
- Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
- The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
- Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
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August 23, 2006
The Suspect's Name Is Joe-hammad Bin Pukin
'Mysterious bag left in airport,' White Trash Style:
(SOMERSET, Ky.) -- In this day and time when terrorism is a threat, you just can't be too careful.[H/T Fark]
A suspicious-looking black bag was sitting close to 20,000 gallons of jet fuel at the Somerset Airport Tuesday, prompting an employee to dial 911.
. . .
Fortunately, the only thing nefarious about the bag was its odor. The contents included a vomit-stained shirt and some empty beer cans.
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August 16, 2006
Life Imitates Snakes On A Plane
A man was arrested Monday after deputies found 35 dead reptiles and dozens more malnourished and living in his camper, authorities said.I guess this is the male White Trash equivalent of 'crazy lady with 85 cats living in her house,' the key difference is that all the cats tend to still be alive.
Craig Thomas Zoodsma, 50, was charged with 35 felonies for the death of the animals and 41 misdemeanor counts of animal cruelty.
Deputies found 35 snakes, three lizards and three turtles still living, but underfed and badly dehydrated, the Pensacola News Journal reported for Tuesday's editions.
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August 09, 2006
No Gravy Train For Me. All My Ancestors Were On The Winning Side.
Dr. Bukk, he of the fake teef, has a different take on the idea of Civil War War Of Northern Aggression reparations:
As you probably know, the people collectively known as "white trash" suffered more losses during and after the War of Northern Aggression than any other group! This discrimination has ruined our life for more than a century. That explains why today we are so funny looking.
Our brave ancestors fought against Yankee aggressors even though they did not own any slaves. Why? The question has plagued historians because slave owners, and even their slaves looked down on us white trash. There was nothing in it for us, yet we fought hard! We fought to preserve our Southern way of life. A life where you could grow corn and make your own tax-fee whiskey. A life where you could put woodland wildlife on the table, so long as you had the ammunition. A life where the womenfolk did all the drudgery while you gambled, drank, fought, farted and belched your life away.
RTWT, which in this case means "Read tha 'hole thang!"
Or find somebody to read it to you iff'n you ain't gotcher GED yet.
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August 02, 2006
White Trash Neighbor v2.0 - Now With Extra Trash!
I few months ago, I pointed to the Redneck Neighbor story. Well, today's hero makes the Redneck Neighbor look like the epitome of class and decorum - Seminole County's Worst Neighbor:
The man dubbed Seminole County's worst neighbor was released from jail and returned to his home, according to a Local 6 News report [yay Local6! - ed] . Alan Davis was released after 17 months behind bars for failing to follow the rules of house arrest . . .. Before his arrest, neighbors complained about Davis and the piles of junk and rats in his yard for more than 10 years . . ..
I'm not sure how long this story will stay up on Local6's site (it's on their 'weird pictures' slideshow), so here's the picture:
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July 26, 2006
Elisa Harp Smacks Her Head And Says "Why Didn't I Think Of That?"
[Title ref here]
And speaking of tattoos (which I do frequently, f'rinstance, a couple of weeks ago), we have the logical extension of the 'let somebody tattoo an ad on you for money' - mymilliondollarbody.com:
Following the succes of the million dollar homepage, a Stockholm copycat is offering advertisers to have their logo tatoed onto his body.Awesome! Now Go1den Pa1ace has enough room to tattoo
The million dollar homepage sold pixels at a rate of $1 each. The 21-year-old Swede plans on charging $1000 per square centimeter with a minimum purchase of 4 sq.cm.
go1denpa1ace.com is the greatest online casino over! Loosest virtual slots - 3-wheel, 5-wheel, progressive! $2 blackjack tables! Free Texas Hold-Em lessons and tournaments ($10,000 cash prize!)! High-stakes gambling, too! Log in and see the weeping Jesus rock, the Virgin Mary cheese toastie, and the haunted walking stick! All at go1denpa1ace.com, the bestest online casino ever!all in one place.
Of course, they probably had enough room to do that here.
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July 12, 2006
Tattle-Toes
Stupid tattoos is a frequent WTW topic for me, and although I've heard of (and blogged about) people using them to advertise (e.g., here and here), I've never heard of someone using them to advertise themselves as White Trash.
Until today. It was his toes that tipped off the police:
CLEARWATER - Richard Costello was tripped up by his own toes, police say.
Costello, 29, was trying to hawk stolen motorcycle parts on eBay, so he laid the items on a linoleum floor and took photographs for the Web site, said Clearwater police Sgt. Greg Stewart.
Costello's feet could be seen poking into some of the images, but it was his toes - tattooed with letters spelling "White Trash" - that got him caught.
The case goes back to March 6 when a 2002 Yamaha motorcycle worth $6,000 was stolen from an apartment complex parking lot on Nursery Road in Clearwater. Owner Derek Lombard called police but continued to investigate on his own.
Lombard, 24, searched eBay and found what he thought were parts from his motorcycle for sale. He told detectives, who analyzed the photos.
They noticed "White" on the right foot and "Trash" on the left. Investigators searched jail records, which noted Costello's branded digits.
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June 07, 2006
Today's White Trash Public Service Announcement
A well-established trait of White Trashers is the belief that safety warnings are for other people. Sure, they can go a bit overcautious sometimes and be a bit nonsensical at other times (not to mention that making them is hard goddam work), but most of us can tell the difference between warnings we can ignore and warnings we need to pay attention to.
But some folks have difficulty with a warning such as DO NOT REACH UNDER MOWER WHILE RUNNING:
A Plantation man who was mowing his lawn this morning accidentally cut off his hand in the process, officials said.
The man, who lives behind the Jacaranda Golf Club in the 9600 block of Conch Shell Manor, was taken to Broward General Medical Center on trauma alert, said Joel Gordon, spokesman for the Plantation Fire Department.
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May 31, 2006
For White Trash, Life Is Cheap. Real Cheap.
Just because this couple tried to hire a hit man to kill their grandkids, that doesn't necessarily make it a WTW story.
It isn't even the accompanying picture, although I have to admit it doesn't hurt:
No, what makes this a White Trash Wednesday story is the price: Police: Couple Offered Hit Man $100 To Kill Grandkids:
Two grandparents in Lake County, Fla., were arrested for allegedly offering a hit man $100 to kill their three grandchildren, daughter-in-law and the family's pet dog, according to Local 6 News.
First things first: I love love love Local 6.
Second: they expected a five-play for $100? Look, folks, this ain't Assassin-Mart - you get what you pay for. Actually, in a bit of sloppy headline-writing, it is revealed that the Benjamin was only a down payment:
"(The couple) met with the so-called hit man, where they paid the hit man $100 in cash as a down payment for the murder of the wife and her three children," Lake County Sheriff's Office spokeswoman Christie Mysinger said.
. . .
Investigators said the rest of the money was to be paid to the hit man after the family members were killed Tuesday night.
And for the kicker, here's why Grams and Gramps were shopping at Killers-R-Us:
After an investigation, authorities said the couple's son, Jason Jackson, 31, concocted the alleged murder-for-hire plan from jail and asked his parents to seal the deal, Bolden said.
The 31-year-old is awaiting trial in a sexual molestation case, and his wife and children were scheduled to testify against him.
Ding ding ding! White Trash Trifecta pays 23,700 to 1!
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May 24, 2006
White Trash Noise Machine
In commemeration of Bob & Tom's recently-announced impending re-release of their entire back catalog (although I have to wonder whether they'll dub all the Q95-specific stuff from the early days), I've got the lyrics to White Trash Noise Machine, one of my all-time favorite bits. Lyrics after the jump; song snippet here.
ANNOUNCER: Oh sure, you grew up in a trailer park, but now that you've made it big and moved to the suburbs, you just can't sleep at night. You've thought about purchasing one of those expensive white noise machines that claim to create a soothing wall of sound, but tell me: do you really think that white noise is relaxing?
[FX TELEVISION STATIC]
REBA: Hell no!
ANNOUNCER: 'Hell, no' is right... darlin'. Do you have trouble sleeping at night?
REBA: Shore do!
ANNOUNCER: Let me guess - did you grow up in a trailer park?
REBA: Shore did!
ANNOUNCER: Well, Friggemall Home Health Products, a division of Bob & Tom Industries, has just the thing for you. Forget about that white noise machine - what you need is the White Trash Noise Machine!
REBA: The White Trash Noise Machine?
ANNOUNCER: That's right. The White Trash Noise Machine features dozens of the same soothing trailer park sounds you remember from your childhood. You'll feel safe and secure, and drift off to sleep like a little White Trash baby. Just press the button and listen:
WHITE TRASH TEENAGE GIRL [RECORDING]: Get up, daddy, you're crushin' my smokes!
WHITE TRASH MAN [RECORDING]: Hush up! Has anybody seen my chewin' tobacco? And where the hell's the toothpaste? I need to brush my tooth!
ANNOUNCER: Ah, yes. Nothing is more comforting than the White Trash Noise Machine.
WHITE TRASH WOMAN [RECORDING]: It is too your baby, Cletus! It's just a coincidence he looks like Morgan Freeman.
CLETUS [RECORDING]: Ah'm gonna kill you!
ANNOUNCER: You'll also get these relaxing White Trash sounds: a Camaro falling off the blocks...
[F/X CRASHING]
ANNOUNCER: ...flyswatter...
[F/X BUZZING FLY HIT BY FLYSWATTER]
ANNOUNCER: ...a bullhorn from the TV show Cops...
COP [RECORDING, THROUGH BULLHORN]: Drop the snake and put your hands on the car.
ANNOUNCER: ...the sound of a marijuana bong...
[F/X SPARKING LIGHTER, INHALING, BUBBLING WATER]
ANNOUNCER: ...and every single song from Tim Wilson.
TIM WILSON IMPERSONATOR: Heyyyairrhuhho. [F/X GUITAR STRUM]
ANNOUNCER: With the White Trash Noise Machine, you'll always get a good night's sleep. Check out these unsolicited testimonials:
WHITE TRASH MAN: Ah tell you what - this White Trash Noise Machine knocks me out faster than an Oxycontin and a 12-pack of PBR.
WHITE TRASH WOMAN: Y'know, after I won the lottery, I just couldn't sleep in this big ol' faincy house. But I couldn't take sleeping pills on account of that damn court-ordered drug testing. Shoot, nowadays I can sleep in until it's time to go out on the porch and watch Jerry Springer. Thank you, White Trash Noise Machine. Jesse! Justin! Jasper! Jacob! Get in here and go get cleaned up. Your daddies are stopping by today. You too, Jamal.
ANNOUNCER: It's a White Trash Noise Machine! Order now, and you'll receive, as our gift to you, the White Trash Aromatherapy Machine. You'll enjoy all those comforting smells you remember from your childhood. There's Cheez Whiz...
[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]
ANNOUNCER: fried baloney...
[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]
ANNOUNCER: Jack Daniels...
[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]
ANNOUNCER: Jack Daniels and vomit...
[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]
ANNOUNCER: Jack Daniels, vomit, and Cheez Whiz...
[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]
ANNOUNCER: gunpower...
[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]
ANNOUNCER: ...and, of course, poopy diapers.
[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]
REBA: Whoo! Now that brings back memories!
ANNOUNCER: Right you are, Reba, you mayonnaise sandwich-eating cracker! The White Trash Noise Machine! And if you order right now, you'll also receive these White Trash sounds:
ANNOUNCER: Restraining order...
ANGRY WHITE TRASH MAN [RECORDING]: It's gonna take more than a damn piece of paper to keep me from seeing you, sweetheart!
ANNOUNCER: ...repo man...
[F/X WRECKER DRIVING AWAY]
WHITE TRASH MAN [RECORDING]: Aw, come on, man! The check's in the mail!
ANNOUNCER: ...propane heater exploding...
WHITE TRASH MAN [RECORDING]: Hey, baby, you smell something?
[F/X EXPLOSION]
ANNOUNCER: The White Trash Noise Machine, from Friggemall Home Health Products, a division of Bob & Tom Industries... y'all.
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May 17, 2006
'Twice As Many Wheels As Evel Knievel' = 'Twice As Far,' Right?
Quad Bike - check.
Alcohol - check.
Stupid stunt to impress friends - check...
It's the prototypical White Trash Wednesday story:
A 25-year-old Rex man, who police believe had been drinking, died early Wednesday morning after trying to jump a 46-foot-wide ravine on a four-wheeler, Clayton County police said.[H/T Atticus via email]
The mix of alcohol, impaired judgment and darkness probably cost Charles Edward Parker II his life, Assistant Clayton County Police Chief Jeff Turner said.
. . .
Knowing the construction site on Bell Road where the vehicle had been used in the past, Turner said Parker’s roommate discovered the body next to the 15- to 20-foot deep ravine at about 7 a.m. Police said the four-wheeler had rolled back into it.
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May 10, 2006
Don't Mess With My Favorite Island
This is more like a regular WTW story - dumb guys doing dumb things with stolen property:
Five men were arrested just hours after they broke into ten homes and 20 vehicles on Oak Island and sent a stolen car into the ocean.
The men, all from out of town, reportedly confessed when confronted by police Tuesday morning. And the town’s former police chief, Speedy Ingram [! - ed], led police to the suspects.
Ingram detained two teenagers for vandalism at Oak Island Golf and Country Club. The two reportedly tore out signs and threw them in trees and damaged putting greens, Sgt. Loren Lewis with the Oak Island Police Department said. Ingram, who now works at the golf course, also told police there had been other vandalism incidents.
. . .
The men also reportedly stole a car from a home on Augusta Drive and took it joyriding around town before they drove it into the ocean at Caswell Beach. They took a chair from the back of the car and used it to brace the gas pedal down, put the car in drive and let it go, Lewis said. The five apparently weren’t sure of the exact location of this incident, only that it was somewhere between a pier and the lighthouse.
Lewis said an airplane had searched for the car, but had thus far only seen an oil slick and not the vehicle itself.
They didn't even have the common decency to steal a car from another tourist (probably) - most of the rental houses are along the streets that run along the beach strand, and Augusta isn't one of them.
But what I want to know is how they got the car to the edge of the water - I don't think there's anywhere on the island (and there are fifty-some street-end beach accesses on Oak Island) where there's less than fifty yards of sand between the end of the road and the water. Sure, I grew up near Lake Michigan and I used to go there all the time, but it never occurred to me to do anything else but park somewhere solid and walk the rest of the way to the water.
You Laugh, But Can Your La-Z-Boy Turn A 9.63 Quarter-Mile?
I hesitated before deciding to use this for today's WTW, because this guy is way way way more sophisticated than the "Hey, y'all, watch this!" mentality of just slapping jet engines on things and seeing what happens. Then I saw the jet-powered recliner:
and was powerless to resist. [H/T Joe]
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May 03, 2006
The Only Things Missing Were The Actual Trailer, A Kid Wearing Only A Diaper, And Two Sheriff's Deputies
Double Bonus WTW Post! I suppose this guy couldn't have been too surprised, given that it was anger management class, but I'm guessing he wasn't expecting this:
VALPARAISO | A woman attending anger management classes became irate during a Wednesday morning class, threatened to kill a classmate, then went out to the lobby and broke a display case, Valparaiso police said.It starts out innocently enough:
Teresa Prenderville, 32, of 2956 Brown St., Portage, was arrested on charges of intimidation and criminal mischief.
The specialist in the meeting room told police a 26-year-old man walked in and asked Prenderville if the seat next to her was taken.Y'know, I once asked Alex Trebec if the seat next to him was taken, and all I got was a cold stare, because we'd been told that contestants weren't supposed to talk to anybody who had access to the questions. Sure, I felt about two inches tall once I remembered that, but his response was vastly preferable to Prenderneck's:
The specialist told police Prenderville immediately started yelling to the man, "I'm going to put a cap in you and send you to heaven."Problem solved, right? Au contraire, mon ami - chica was just warming up:
Prenderville is accused of repeating the threat several times -- causing the man to become visibly shaken and start crying. She is also accused of threatening another client before storming out of the room.
A staff member told police Prenderville grabbed a plastic display from the lobby counter and threw it, breaking it. The staff member stated Prenderville then punched the display case at the front door, bending the door frame and damaging the glass. The damage is $200.And the punch line - so absurd that I have to assure you I didn't make it up?
Prenderville, who was located walking away from the facility, told police she became angry because a man was making fun or her. The staff and the man, however, said he only asked to sit near her.
Police reports state Prenderville does not have a mental disability or illness, but does have a behavior problem.
Nothin' Says Lovin' Like Peeping On Your Cousin
Dude wasn't banging his cousin, he just liked to watch her nekkid:
A woman said she recently evicted her cousin, Richard Strout, from a home both shared.Why do we care about Cleveland? Because It looks like he's a CSI fan:
When Strout did not arrive to pick up his belongings, the woman began moving items out of room, the report said.
During the process, noticed a hole behind a stereo speaker and another behind a poster.
. . .
The womann said one hole was in a position to view her as she dressed and the other hole was in a position to view her in bed, the report said.
She became upset with the discovery and contacted a friend, Michael Cleveland, to repair the damage to the walls.
Cleveland used a black light and discovered the evidence of possible bodily fluids, in Strout's room, directly below where the holes were placed in the walls of the two rooms, according to the report.I can see dude's defense now: "No, that's not it at all! I made those holes by accident when I hung my speaker and poster, and I was trying to patch them with a new organic spackle!"
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April 26, 2006
He Had To Use The Chain Saw - His Cutting Torch Was Out Of Fuel
Bonus double WTW! Presented without further comment: Man sets self ablaze using chainsaw to open gas tank
An Ottawa man is in serious condition and was airlifted to the burn unit at Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre in Toronto after accidentally setting himself on fire yesterday morning while trying to cut open a gas tank with a chainsaw.
The Ottawa Fire Department said 62-year-old Stanley Hill had been doing some cleanup work on a rural property at 4679 Ridge Rd., off Walkley Road, about 10 a.m. when, they believe, a spark from the saw caused a small explosion and a flash of fire to spread up his body and head.
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Life Imitates A Bad Redneck Joke
Old joke:
What's the last thing a dumb redneck says before he dies?
"Hey, y'all, watch this!"
Maybe this guy didn't die, but it wasn't for lack of trying:
FORT PAYNE, Ala. -- A Georgia man was hospitalized after jumping from the side of Alabama's DeSoto Falls and plunging 150 feet before hitting the water.
The leap wasn't a suicide attempt since several witnesses reported that prior to the plunge, the man yelled, "Watch this."
Tim Whitehead, superintendent of DeSoto State Park, said 23-year-old Jason Carter of Trion, Georgia, jumped from the east side of the canyon around 3 p.m. Monday. He was airlifted to Erlanger Hospital in Chattanooga, Tennessee, after rescue personnel spent three hours removing him from the canyon. Carter, who was treated for a back injury, was reported to be in stable condition yesterday.
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April 19, 2006
White Trash Word Of The Day
So you're a hardcore white trash guy, sportin' the mullet like you're s'pose'ta, when one day you notice the 'business in the front' just ain't takin' care of bidness like it useta, so to speak. What do you do?
Mount a pre-emptive strike - shave the top and go skullet.
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April 13, 2006
Then We'll Get Six Cabbage Patch Dolls And Not Let Anyone See Them Up Close
I figure I owe you another White Trash Wednesday post, given that yesterday's turned out to be much ado about nothing. I didn't have to wait very long, as today we hear about a Missouri couple who pretended to have newborn sextuplets so they could hop on the sympathy gravy train:
GRAIN VALLEY, Mo. -- A couple who claimed to have recently given birth to sextuplets apologized Wednesday night for the hoax, KMBC's Lara Moritz reported.
Kris and Sarah Everson admitted to police Tuesday night that they made up the story, but the couple never publicly addressed the issue until Wednesday night.
"We didn't mean to hurt anybody by doing what we did," Kris Everson said. "We did it out of necessity for financial reasons. Anybody who helped out will be paid back in full."
Moritz reported that the Eversons' plea for financial help included a Web site asking for donations, specifically gift cards or cash.
April 12, 2006
An Incident Among White Trash Royalty
I imagine the whole WTW team is jumping on this story, and since it's noonish ET at press time I'm probably late to the party, but I have to mention it anyway: LA County child welfare officials visited the White Trash Palace last weekend:
Britney Spears' parenting woes haven't gone away just yet. Two months after she was caught driving with her then-4-month-old son Sean Preston sitting unrestrained in her lap, reports surfaced Tuesday that Los Angeles County child welfare officials and a sheriff's deputy visited her Malibu home over the weekend. Officials would not say what prompted their visit, but at least one tabloid's reported that they were looking into an incident in which Sean fell from his high chair and injured his head. [emphasis added]I wonder if it's standard procedure for a deputy to provide an escort in this situation. If it isn't, I can think of two reasons they'd do it this time:
- Perceived risk to the social worker.
- The expectation that somebody was going to be arrested.
About Sean Preston's 'Humpty Dumpty' impersonation:
The Star reported Sean was treated briefly at a Los Angeles hospital six days after the fall for what was described as a minor "scalp fracture" and blood clot caused by the fall. The Star claimed a distraught Spears brought Sean to the hospital because he was sleeping more than normal.
My son, obviously, was once four months old. Had he fallen out of his high chair and hit his head, it would have been cause for a trip to the doctor's office THE SAME DAY. Actually, given our paranoia as clueless first-time parents, it probably would have meant a trip to the ER, but I'm giving Spears and Neckerline the benefit of the doubt here.
Maybe they wanted to avoid publicity over the accident; I can understand that. But surely in Malibu they can find a discreet pediatrician willing to make house calls.
Update: Other reports indicate that they did indeed take him to the doctor the same day, so sorry about that last part. But the mental picture of a social worker and a cop showing up on the doorstep of the White Trash First Family still makes me giggle.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour:
April 06, 2006
Did The Bride Wear A Veil Or One Of Those Funky Lacrosse Helmets?
Hey, Niagara University - what'd the rednecks ever do to YOU?
Is There Anything Hotter Than a Coed, Dressed as a Trailer Park Bride, Hitting a Beer Bong? Pictures from the Niagara University Women's Lacrosse Team 2005 Initiation
It's worth a look just for the picture:
Many thanks to badjocks.com for bailing me out when I totally spaced on WTW yesterday.
Yesterday was White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour:
March 29, 2006
White Trash International Case Study 2: Adolescent Female Chav
(Case Study 1 is here.)
The Wikipedia entry for Chav says this:
Chav is a slang term which has been in wide use throughout the United Kingdom since 2004. It refers to a subcultural stereotype of a person with fashions such as flashy "bling" jewellery and counterfeit designer clothes or sportswear, an uneducated, uncultured, impoverished background, a tendency to congregate around places such as fast-food outlets, bus stops, or other shopping areas, and a culture of antisocial behavior.
But enough theory. Let's see an application:
CHAV thug Leanne Black hurls eggs at newsmen yesterday before going berserk in a courtroom.
The obnoxious 14-year-old, who became Britain's youngest drink-driver when she was 12, was hauled before magistrates for being boozed-up at the wheel AGAIN.
The schoolgirl, wearing a white tracksuit, Burberry-style scarf and lots of fake bling, arrived armed with a box of eggs. She threw some at reporters, then pelted a TV crew as a man accompanying her punched a photographer in the face.
In court later Black, branded a "vicious little cow" by neighbours, screamed when she was told she would be locked up. She leaped from the dock, then:
- PUNCHED prosecutor Lesley Gilmore in the back.
- THREW a two-litre jug of water over the magistrates and their clerk.
- KICKED furniture over as she sprinted around cowering probation officers.
- SWEPT anything she could get her hands on from desks, and
- YELLED abuse at the shocked JPs and court staff as she was finally grabbed and dragged off.
But how did she come to be in court?
Yesterday the youth court in Newbury, Berks, heard how the teenager swigged cans of beer at a pal’s house before driving off in her dad Maurice’s Vauxhall Corsa.
Her parents called police when they realised she was missing.
Cops found the girl at Newbury’s YMCA, where her sister Lilly lived, and collared her. Mrs Gilmore said: "Her response to arrest is concerning. She told the officer, "What the f*** do you lot want, for f***'s sake?"; She told the officer to "f*** off"".
The JPs heard how Black did exactly the same 14 months before. Then, she was banned from the road for two years; a technicality as she cannot drive legally until she is 17 . . ..
And here's the punch line, serving as another reminder that the justice system in the UK doesn't quite work like ours does:
She was also given another technical three-year driving ban. Any such ban comes into force immediately and cannot be “held over” until a youth reaches the legal driving age of 17.So she's banned from doing something that she can't legally do until she's 17 anyway; moreover, when she turns 17, the three-year ban will be up and it's look out, motorists!
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour:
Update: You Mean That Steaks Don't Magically Appear Shrink-Wrapped At My Supermarket?
An update to a local WTW story from last June - Man pleads guilty to theft over dismembered cow:
A man accused of killing, dismembering and taking the legs off a cow last summer has pleaded guilty to a felon theft charge.
Nineteen-year-old Perry Dominguez, of Angola, will be sentenced May 22. A plea agreement filed in court Monday asks the judge to sentence Dominguez to two years in prison, but suspend all but six months.
The cow was found June 24 in a pasture by its owner, Terry Penick, on his farm near Orland about 40 miles north of Fort Wayne.
Court documents say the cow was stabbed and was missing its legs and throat.
I'll have a full WTW story later today, involving a British chick who's a real piece of work, and who appears to be irretrievably broken even though she's only 14.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour:
March 22, 2006
When The Tiger Orders Carne Asada, He Spells It "CarneY"
Hey, dumbass - Tigers? Do. Not. TALK!:
GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- A Florida fair worker was hospitalized Sunday after he put his hand into a tiger cage at the Putnam County Fair in an apparent attempt to "communicate" with the animal, Local 6 News reported.
Jason Wayne Hardin, 25, of Westville, stuck his arm into the tiger's cage about 2:25 a.m. Sunday, said Major Keith Riddick of the Putnam County Sheriff's Office.
Hardin told wildlife officers that he was putting up fencing at the fair when he decided to "communicate" with the animal, Local 6 News reported.
The white tiger bit the man and severed a tendon in Hardin's arm.
It's W