January 11, 2008
So I'd Just Like To Say Thanks For Making My Workout Even More Dull Than Usual
Normally, I really enjoy it when Bill Scheft comes on Bob & Tom. However, he was pretty focussed on talking about the writers' strike (he's the 'strike captain' among the Letterman show writers), which turned Tuesday's appearance into 24 minutes of laugh-free radio(*). If I wanted to watch Meet The Press, I'd roll out of the rack before one on Sundays. Of course, that would require me to radically change how I spend my Saturday nights, which ain't gonna happen.
By the way - American Gladiators (re)premiered earlier this week, and 12 million people watched. If I were in the writers' guild, this would scare the hell out of me.
(*) OK, I laughed twice. But that's still way below average.
August 15, 2007
In-Jokes Explained, #1
Bob & Tom often employ a kind of forbidden-joke shorthand. They regularly throw out punchlines that aren't themselves dirty, but, if combined with the rest of the corresponding joke, would bring the FCC down on them like the Hand Of God (or at least the Hand Of God-Botherers).
For the whole joke behind "Where do you think they held the auction?" go here. For "Hey, lady, your sign fell down," go here.
No charge. Just another public service I'm happy to provide.
A Real Whiz-Bang Home Remedy
You've heard of the expression "Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining?" How about "Don't piss in my ear and tell me I've got an infection?" Listen to this clip from hour 1 of last Tuesday's Bob & Tom.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
May 15, 2007
I Understood The Last Sentence, And That Pretty Much Sums It Up
Can I get a translator for this clip from an interview with Ozzy Osbourne on Monday's show? I don't speak Burnout.
May 04, 2007
Name That Hymn
Late in hour 3 of yesterday's Bob & Tom show, the gang was discussing religious music. Kristi had just read a story about some stone carvings in an Edinburgh church that may turn out to have been encoded music. As an aside - thanks to Fark, I will now forever think of her as one commenter referred to her: "the news reader who can't read," because now I notice that she trips over words A LOT. True to form here, she pronounces 'Edinburgh' to rhyme with 'Pittsburgh.' But I digress.
Anyway, Tom opines that a lot of religous music is a real downer, and Bob tries to cue up a song that doesn't quite work. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even the song he was trying to play. Listen to this clip and see if you can A) Name That Tune, and B) Name The Tune Bob Was Going For. I think I know both.
April 25, 2007
I Was Expecting Him To Pile On Chick, But I Think He Was Too Stunned
Also on yesterday's show, there was a news story about a bank in Beruit that is starting to offer loans for plastic surgery. Now, Kristi takes a LOT of abuse on the show, and she's a really good sport about it, but when the guys start razzing her about maybe needing plastic surgery herself, she finally fires back. Check out more than a second of stunned silence when she sticks it right between Chick's ribs.
I think my favorite part of that exchange may be where Tom immediately throws himself under the bus to try to distract from what just happened.
I'd Say "Nice Job, Kreskin," But Kreskin Didn't Take Credit For Jeane Dixon's Predictions
A listener of Monday's Bob & Tom - who apparently pays even closer attention than I do - took the opportunity of the gang discussing Chick's 2005, um, rack-mounting, to point out that Tom predicted it almost a year in advance. The listener quoted the show date (August 24, 2004), and the gang replayed the relevant conversation from that day. Afterwards, they said this:
TOM GRISWOLD: ...according to this, on the 5th of July, 11 months after we had this discussion, the 5th of July, 2005, Chick in fact did fall through the ceiling from the attic into his wife's bathroom.
KRISTI LEE: Right. You guys were remodeling her bathroom, remember?
TOM: Not only, Kristi, did I luck into predicting it would happen,
KRISTI: Yes
CHICK MCGEE: You picked the right room
TOM: I picked the right room, AND the right injury, 'cause at the end there -
KRISTI: Scary
TOM: - I said "Chick's gonna fall and rack his 'nads" and you did just that. As you've said many times, your testicles broke your fall.
If you listen closely, you can hear Tom doing the 'I'm Right' dance in his head. Note that he takes credit for predicting everything involved, including that Chick would rack himself. Here's the original conversation from August 2004. Who really predicted that Chick would suffer what Heywood would call 'trauma to the groin?'
April 03, 2007
And A Whole Lot Of What?
Listen very carefully to this clip from hour 4 of Friday's show, right after Bob says "Y'know, there's gonna be some fightin'."
It's a bit of a train wreck, as the gang and guest Eric Shorts are all simultaneously trying to tell this old joke.
Let's just say that it sounds like Shorts skips ahead a bit.
March 20, 2007
Interestingly, Chick's Voice Drops Into The Subsonic Frequency Range
Something's weird about the MP3s of yesterday's Bob & Tom show - the last segment of the last hour was really slowed down. Whether this was something on Premiere's end, or some weirdness when I downloaded it, I don't know, but it had the effect of lowering everybody's vocal range - and it made Kristi sound a LOT like Jim Gaffigan!
Kristi extolling the benefits of her Sleep Number bed (MP3, 0:05)
March 06, 2007
How The Hell Do You Expect Me To Keep My Eyes On The Ball?
Late in hour 1 of Friday's Bob & Tom, the gang was discussing whether each of them could fit their fist in their mouth. The conversation descended quickly from there:
CHICK MCGEE: Can you put a cue ball in your mouth? You shoot pool without a stick with your mouth?
KRISTI LEE: No! God, no! What is wrong with you people?
CHICK: (makes spitting noise) Eight ball, corner pocket. All right, what about, uh, not using your mouth? Using something else?
TOM GRISWOLD: Let's move on now. Um, we were also, uh . . .
CHICK: That's one time Kristi and I bonded; we saw that same movie.
KRISTI: Oh, my God.
BOB KEVOIAN: I saw a movie with a woman, she was a pitching machine.
TOM: This all sounds very exciting.
CHICK: She could really bring the heat!
But they for some inexplicable reason stopped one step short of the gutter. I would have bet cash money that Bob was about to say
But she got thrown out of every game - she threw nothing but spitballs!
March 01, 2007
No, They Didn't Ask Me To Be On 'The Guy Who Would Rather Blog Than Have Sex"
One of the recurring bits on Bob & Tom is "The Guy Who Would Rather [something] Than Have Sex," where a (criminally clueless) guy resists a woman's attempt to take him to bed in favor of whatever he's doing at the moment.
So I present to you: The Guy Who Would Rather Watch '24' Than Have Sex - also featuring the original miscast version starring Bob and Becky Kevoian!
February 28, 2007
'Fire The Dump Button Guy,' Revisited
Previously on Fire The Dump Button Guy, there was some dispute as to whether Tom actually said anything that was actionable - specifically, did he say 'this shit' or 'this yet?' On today's episode, I don't think there's any mistaking the sound that Bob makes.
White Trash Probate
If you listen to the show for long enough, it should become pretty clear that Tom is the bandleader - he does almost all the interviews and generally seems to guide the show along, for better or worse. Bob is more like a sniper - he doesn't say nearly as much, but his hit percentage is way up there. Take, for instance, this exchange about everybody's favorite white-trash-girl-made-good-but-now-dead:
KRISTI LEE: Well, the fate of Anna Nicole Smith's body is in the hands of three appeals court judges in Florida.
TOM GRISWOLD: So after that gigantic circus with that idiot, Larry Seidlin...
KRISTI: ...yes, Larry Seidlin, they will decide whether to overturn a trial court ruling that meant the model would be buried in the Bahamas.
BOB KEVOIAN: Even in death, she's pulling a train with the legal system.
And as long as we're talking about White Trash royalty... Britney's still in rehab.
Stairway To Bob & Tom Guests
Tom often asks frequent guests whether they have a 'Stairway to Heaven' bit - something that audiences expect to hear in the act every time. Sometimes, a StH bit even has a genesis as a B&T appearance; for instance, if you're a fan, what do you think of when I say 'marsupials?'
The problem is that they have so many guests that it's hard even for a completist listener like me to keep them straight, so I'm starting to keep a list of frequent guests and their best-known bits, songs, or characteristics. This blog entry is definitely a living one, and if I can figure out how to do it, I'll keep comments open indefinitely so you can suggest additions.
- Mike Armstrong: Former police officer. "'Drunk again!'/'Me too!'" More here.
- Heywood Banks: Big Butter Jesus, 18 Wheels On A Big Rig, Wiper Blades. Alter ego - Dash Ampersand ("I'm Daytona 500-pound woman," "sure can make good pork sausage").
- Tim Bedore: Wednesdaily 'Vague But True.' Animal conspiracy.
- Ross Bennett: Dating a woman "who can comfortably conceal an acre of Mexico" who wears her pain like a small skinless creature constantly being hit by a vinegar drip. Grandma & wrestling.
- Mike Birbiglia: Secret Public Journal, 'Medium Man On Campus' tour. Last name often purposefully mangled by the gang (e.g., 'Brigleby,' 'Bahooski') because club MCs always used to do that too. Brother Joe is 'America's Guest.'
- Jeff Caldwell: Former civil engineer; used to design sewage pumping stations.
- Tim Cavanaugh: Former Catholic school teacher. One Minute Songs. Get Drunk With Dignity, Piston Souvenirs
- Frank Caliendo: Formerly of Mad TV. Impersonations galore; most notably, John Madden and Ted Knight. More here.
- Pat Dailey: (You Oughta Come With Me When I Go) Out Drinkin', You're There
- Scott Dunn: Roasts of historical figures
- John Feinstein: Sports author ("A Good Walk Spoiled," "Season on the Brink," "Next Man Up")
- Jim Gaffigan: Hot Pockets, "Aaaaaaaand CUT!", the power of cake. Tom's favorite human being.
- Nick Griffin: Einstein and marriage.
- Greg Hahn: "High five, myself, no friends!" Women & Points. Non-alcoholic beer bit from the first Bob & Tom Comedy Central special. Does corporate gigs where he pretends to be a serious businessman as part of his act.
- Drew Hastings: 'fine-boned with gazelle-like movements.' Owns persistently unsuccessful farm in southern Ohio. Owns opera house in small Ohio town. Alter ego: 'success' guru Jack Freeman. Appeared in July of 2004 with Rupert Boneham, fresh off Rupert's million-dollar win in Survivor: America's Tribal Council, and reacted badly when all the listener calls were for Rupert. More here.
- Tom Mabe: Telemarketer prank phone calls
- Mike MacRae: Indiana Jones impersonations
- Sean Morey: The Man Song, The Woman Song, He Said/She Heard, Dealbreaker, Dear Santa
- Paul & Storm: "News To Us." Formerly (temporarily?) part of DaVinci's Notebook.
- Henry Philips: She's Talking Again, Mystery Girl
- Kevin Pollak: Christopher Walken impersonations ("Frankenstein never scared me... marsupials do... 'cause they're fast.")
- Brian Regan: flying with a computer ("Computer coming through! COMPUUUUUUTER!"). "Have a good flight."/"You too!"
- Bill Scheft: Author and head writer for David Letterman. Sports Illustrated column 'The Show.' "Time Won't Let Me", "The Ringer."
- Todd Snider: Beer Run, Iron Mike's Main Man's Last Request
- Dan St. Paul: First baseball game (and sequels).
- Doug Stanhope: Rooting for the Yankees is like going to a casino and rooting for the house.
- Paul Thorn: Former boxer. It's A Great Day (To Whup Somebody's Ass)
- Greg Warren: 'Flute Man,' "Flute'cha flute, Graig!" Former college wrestler. More here.
- Tim Wilson: First Baptist Bar & Grill, Church League Softball Fistfight, I Could Be Wrong
- Roy Wood, Jr.: Cop radio call impersonations. "I'm not gay, but for $4 million, I could be 'confused' for a night." More here.
- Todd Yohn: Orange Barrels, Red On The Head
- Bob Zany: Tuesdaily 'The Zany Report,' 'Fix-The-Joke, Baby'
February 20, 2007
Using A Fountain Pen With A Nib Made From The Congressman's Thumbnail
I've been listening to almost every original hour of Bob & Tom for going on three years now, and as a result there isn't a whole lot the gang can say that will cause me to bust out laughing to the point of instability (however, the comedians on the show are another matter entirely).
One of those things was yesterday, in celebration of Presidents' Day, when they did 'Memorable Moments in Presidential History.' Specifically, this one:
HISTORY GUY (Dean Metcalf): Andrew Jackson would sign Presidential vetoes in the blood of the Congressman who wrote the original bill.
I also learned something yesterday that I found very odd, given what we know about his taste in movies - Bob is not at all a fan of Ron Jeremy. Granted, Hedgehog was one unattractive SOB, but you'd think Bob could find a special place in his perverted little heart for such a pioneer in his field.
January 31, 2007
A Presidential White Trash Moment
Also on yesterday's Bob & Tom, "Bill Clinton" called in to discuss what he's doing with his time now that She Who Shall Not Be Named is on the campaign trail:
"BILL CLINTON": Oh, gollee, look, it's Tuesday, I gotta take the trash out. 'Cause that's when I rub shoulders with the neighborly ladies. Yeah, used to be years ago that was one of my code phrases with the Secret Service - when I said I was going to 'take the trash out,' it meant that I was going to take Paula Jones out!
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
Put Your Hands On Top Of Your Bed! I Mean Head!
Yesterday in hour one of Bob & Tom, as they were coming out of the commercial for proflowers.com (who will be my next choice for Internet flower business, after my lovely experience with another company), the gang brought up 24 and mashed the two together:
CHICK MCGEE: ...and register to win a gift card from ProFlowers.
BOB KEVOIAN: Maybe they should do a Jack Bauer bouquet.
(ALL): The '24.'
TOM GRISWOLD: You give it to your girlfriend or wife and go 'Get down!'
BOB: 'On all fours!'
KRISTI LEE: Oh, wow, wait a minute...
BOB: Oh, sorry.
KRISTI: uh-uh, uh-uh(*)
(*) If you didn't listen to the audio, think of a dolphin trying to make this sound. It's code for "There will be no 'Kristi Lee Happy Action Back-Door Fun Time!'" if you know what I mean. And since you're reading this blog, I think you do.
January 19, 2007
Overstroked Johnson Rods Are A Main Cause Of Accidents
Yesterday on Bob & Tom, they featured a story about a couple who got more than they bargained for during a home birth. What they said:
TOM GRISWOLD: ... this time around, Lynette and Dusty Johnson expected a large baby; they got three.
KRISTI LEE: Surprise! That doesn't happen in this day and age very often. [she's referring to the surprise, not the triplets themselves]
. . .
TOM: Well, apparently Dusty's johnson isn't that dusty!
What they should have said:
TOM: But once the babies are born, Dusty's johnson probably will get pretty dusty.
BOB: Unless he oils it himself.
December 14, 2006
And You... Get To Watch
[In-joke warning - you'll have to be a regular Bob & Tom listener to get the full impact of this one]
A couple of days ago, Bob & Tom took a call from a guy with a 3-year-old daughter. The guy said that his newborn daughter made the three-year-old jealous, and he requested Orange Barrels because the song made her feel all happy and dance-y.
In their shoes, I would have probably played Paul & Storm's 'Better Version of You' (if you're a B&T VIP member, you can stream it here).
September 27, 2006
Prescribed By The Same Guy Who Told Her Magnets Would Help Her Back Pain
Monday on Bob & Tom (hour 2, roughly 29:00), they featured a listener letter that is a perfect White Trash Wednesday story, with idiotic home medical remedies, a woman cranking out kids by means she does not understand...
TOM GRISWOLD (reading from letter): "One of my friends was in her last year of pharmacy school, doing a retail pharmacy rotation. She was working at a nationally-known retail blah-blah pharmacy chain. A woman with four young children came up to the pharmacy window complaining how upset she was that she was pregnant again and that her birth control was not working. My friend inquired as to what birth control method she was using, and she said 'Mountain Dew.'"...and Bob taking the story off the cliff:
BOB KEVOIAN: I'm sorry?
TOM: "She said, 'I heard that if you drank eight cans of Mountain Dew a day, you won't get pregnant.'"
CHICK MCGEE: Can I be excused?
BOB: I think she misunderstood - if you do it in the can, you won't get pregnant.Actually, I think she might have something there - the rampant squirts you'd get from eight cans of Dew a day could serve as a contraceptive in much the same way that Drew Carey's glasses do. Either that or you'd be shaking so badly that your male partner would have difficulty, shall we say, hitting a moving target.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.
September 11, 2006
No, He's Not Bitter. He's Just A Horndog.
In hour 2 of Friday's Bob & Tom show, Paul and Storm had just finished playing Your Love Is, a sendup of sappy love songs. Let's pick up the action...
TOM GRISWOLD: That's just beautiful. That just takes the piss out of every love song. "Butterflies in the summer..." BOOM!
KRISTI LEE: Come on, don't you have one romantic bone in your body?
TOM: Yeah, you want it?
August 04, 2006
Queer Eye For The Cave Guy
A Bob & Tom three-fer today (actually yesterday, blah blah blah I'm a day behind, yada yada yada podcast during workout). Laura and Tom read from a [London] Times story about how the 'metrosexual' may not be a modern invention:
Scientists examining prehistoric bodies found in the peat bogs of Ireland have discovered evidence of careful grooming on male corpses. One of the bodies, dug up in 2003 at Clonycavan, near Dublin, had Mohawk-style hair, held in place with a gel substance. The other, unearthed three months later 25 miles (40km) away in Oldcroghan by workmen, had perfectly manicured fingernails.
The findings on the bodies, which are 2,300 years old, suggest that despite living in the Iron Age, ancient man had some very modern concerns.
This led comedian Andrew Kennedy (whom I WILL see if he comes to the Fort) to speculate that not all may have been as it appeared to be:
Meanwhile, there's some ... Irish guys talking about it at a pub, how they dug up these bones and did the mohawk and then put them back in there - 'Oh, that was funny, wasn't it? It's all over their news, can you believe it? They think they had a mohawk, stupid bastards!'
I would have taken it one step farther:
'Let's finish our pints and go out and do some crop circles after!'
I'm Just Mad I Didn't Think Of It
Some enterprising soul has put pictures to Bob & Tom's Cleveland Steamer and put it on YouTube:
I've also updated my post of the lyrics to point to this video.
And She's Probably On The Phone To Her Agent Demanding A Better Contract Next Time
Bob & Tom's Kristi Lee is 'on assignment,' as they say, so Laura Steele has been sitting in for her (forget that last link - go here instead). Although I doubt she will want to come back again, because in hour 2 of yesterday's show, the boys managed to get her to admit that she rarely wears underwear (leading to this [MP3] observation from Chick). From the 'EXTREMELY Unfortunate Context Convergence' department, the conversation soon turned to what kind of coffee each cast member drinks.
I think Laura meant to say that she just has a plain coffee, a very simple order. However, it came out like this [MP3].
And as long as I'm playing with Cool Edit Pro, here's a little snippet that you could probably make into a ringtone.
July 17, 2006
Today's Unsmooth Moment
Bob & Tom have begun running a Keystone Light commercial featuring 'Unsmooth Moments' submitted by listeners. Naturally, I have many from which to choose, but I submitted this one:
I occasionally visited the local music store when I was in high school. On one trip there, I noticed the guitars hanging on the wall, which prompted me to ask the clerk a question that had been bothering me for a while: "I know that Fender makes the Stratocaster and Gibson makes the Les Paul, but who makes the Air Guitar?"
The clerk thought I was putting him on. "Are you serious?" he asked suspiciously.
"Yeah, " I replied, oblivious to the barely suppressed smirk that appeared on his face when he realized I really didn't know. "Who makes the Air Guitar?"
Then, speaking very slowly and using small words, he explained that an air guitar was 'when you pretend to play a guitar that doesn't actually exist.'
To make matters worse, I was in the music store with a friend, who proceeded to blow me crap about the incident for years afterwards.
--Chris in Fort Wayne, listening on 92.3 The Fort
(Friend of Hal from way back)
July 12, 2006
Bob & Tom Sneak Peek
Bob & Tom have been promoting their upcoming album, Donkey Show, with emphasis on the bonus third CD. This CD is an hour straight off a 2004 show featuring Survivor Rupert Boneham and comedian Drew Hastings taking listener calls. The gag here is that Rupert was fresh off winning the bonus million dollars in the audience vote after Survivor: Amateur HourAll-Stars, so naturally all the calls were for him. Hastings, hardly the most stable person on a good day, does not take this well, and eventually completely melts down.
In case you've been saving MP3s of the show, I can tell you with near-100% certainty that the show in question was Thursday, October 8 7, 2004 (hour 3 and parts of hours 2 and 4).
Update (July 17): On last Friday's show (July 14th), very early in hour 1, Tom claimed that the Rupert/Drew CD was from the show on July 14, 2004. Naturally, my show list archive only goes back to August of 2004 so I can't check for sure, but I think Tom misspoke when he said that and didn't realize he did - otherwise, I think, he would have observed that it was exactly two years ago that day. At any rate, the show listing for 10/ 8 7 /04 definitely has Rupert and Drew appearing together in hour 3.
Update (March 3, 2007): Sharp-eyed reader Alex checked the Wayback Machine and found the show listing for 7/14/04, which definitely features both Rupert and Drew. The October 7 (not 8) show I refer to above was probably just B&T replaying parts of the July appearance.
Update (March 4, 2007): It turns out that I actually have the shows archived back to May of 2004, so I listened to both shows. The 7/14/04 show is definitely the one that appears as the extra disc on Donkey Show; the October 7 show is a 'Best Of' introduced by Jimmy 'Maddog' Matis(a DJ at B&T's flagship station, Indianapolis' Q95), and just replays hour 3 from 7/14.
July 08, 2006
Bob Zany Strikes Back
Any regular Bob & Tom listener knows how badly the guys abuse Bob Zany on his Tuesdaily appearances on the show. It's all tongue-in-cheek, of course, because they constantly refer to his standup act as one of the best in comedy, but I always figured it wore on him and eventually he'd snap.
And it looks like he finally has, if only for a second. This comes at the 19:37 mark of hour 3 from last Wednesday's show (a day later than his normal Tuesdaily appearance because of the holiday), where they're discussing his 1984 standup album, Hi Home, I'm Honey:
BOB ZANY: And Hi Home, I'm Honey was basically my dyslexic father every time he'd come home from work.
BOB KEVOIAN: I'll be darned.
ZANY: "Hi home, I'm honey. What's dinner for? Not roast pot again!"
KEVOIAN: In '84, that was probably funny.
ZANY: Much like people say about you, Bob.
Audio here.
May 24, 2006
In Other Headlines, We At The Bob & Tom Show Would Like To Congratulate The NBA Champion San Antonio Spurs
Yesterday on Bob & Tom, Kristi noted that she saw a gas station sign over the weekend that had replaced
Unleadedwith
Midgrade
Premium
ArmThe gang laughed like it was fresh and funny.
Leg
First Born
I have to admit I thought it was funny, too. However, I thought it was funnier LAST SUMMER when I saw the same sign on Oak Island:
What I said at the time:
The really depressing thing is that I wish gas were only $2.10 here - that's 35 cents less than it actually is right now.The really really depressing thing is that I wish gas were only $2.45 here - that's 35 cents less than it actually is right now!
May 03, 2006
And I'm Sure If He Thought About It, He'd Agree
Coming out of the second break of every hour (roughly 45 past the hour), Bob & Tom do a national commercial. They did one yesterday for some really really comfortable bed. Kristi has one and she says she sleeps like a baby in it. Bob replied that he doesn't sleep like a baby.
Given what we know about Bob, it's probably safe to say that he does indeed sleep like a baby - he wakes up in the middle of the night wanting to suck on a breast!
April 21, 2006
The Third-Place Chili Was Disqualified Because It Contained Too Much Monkey Spunk
Every so often, I write something in the style of The Onion, but I think this is the first bit I've written that might be a good fit for Bob & Tom. If you listen to the show, you know they have somebody calling in impersonating Morgan Freeman as Red in The Shawshank Redemption. He's referred to as 'Morgan Freeman' even though he's in character, which I don't get, but whatever. One of the hallmarks of these calls is something bad happening to Andy Dufresne at the hands of one of the Sisters, nicknamed according to the topic of the call. Usually, it relates to something the gang is discussing.
But enough setup. If they ever talk about a chili cookoff, I've got just the call for them:
[F/X PHONE RINGS]
BOB KEVOIAN: Morning, Bob & Tom Show...
"MORGAN FREEMAN": Hello there sonny, this is Morgan Freeman.
BOB: Hey there, Morgan, how 'ya doing?
"MORGAN": I'm well, thank ya very kindly. I just wanted to tell you about the chili cookoff we had last weekend here at Shawshank Prison. My good friend Andy Dufresne made the finals with a venison serrano chili.
TOM GRISWOLD: Well, that's great, but how did he get the venison?
"MORGAN": He snuck outside the walls one night and killed a deer with that little rock hammer I got him when he first arrived here at Shawshank Prison.
BOB: Well, how about that!
"MORGAN": Unfortunately, the other finalist was a bull queer they call 'Cincinnati Five-Way.'
Ohhhh, Andy. That was the longest meal of his life.
And the next day, it hurt even worse comin' out than it did goin' in.
Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'.
April 14, 2006
Live In The Studio
Hey, if you're a Bob & Tom fan and a Pacers/Reggie Miller fan, drop me a line. I've got something for you.
April 11, 2006
And She Sounds Exactly The Same As She Always Has, Which Is Not A Compliment
Bob & Tom had Victoria Jackson on the show Friday. I never found her funny when she did SNL, and you know what? She's still not funny. How not funny is she? She's less funny than Margaret Cho - AFTER Cho Contracted BDS.
March 31, 2006
Fire The Dump Button Guy!
Like pretty much any 'live' broadcast radio show, Bob & Tom are actually broadcast with a electronic delay (I think it's seven seconds). This allows them to hit the 'dump' button if they or one of their guests say something that could cost them a lot of money. Their 'live' internet stream is actually delayed even more than the broadcast version, but as far as I know, it isn't censored (in the past, they've referred to the stream not being censored, but I almost never stream it so I don't know for sure). Of course, the FCC can't zing them for saying naughty words on an internet-streamed show (at least not yet). I think their podcast is censored, because I've heard them use the dump button (which is seven seconds of cartoonish sound effects) on several occasions. Of course, being a podcast, they don't have to, but apparently they do anyway.
Which is why I was pretty surprised to hear Tom say what he says here, and I really hope that didn't get out over the air.
March 29, 2006
"Legal?" What Is This "Legal" Of Which You Speak?
Fox is trying to play it cagey, showing us previews of next week's 24 without Jack Bauer in them so we can't be sure he survived the explosion at the pretend gas company.
Well, I know he survived - he called in to Bob & Tom this morning!
March 24, 2006
But Will Donnie Be Wearing His Zubaz Pants?
Chess, DA, and I are headin' out tonight to see the Friends of the Bob & Tom Show tour at the Embassy. Here's the bill, emceed by Donnie Baker (I think Donnie's hilarious (and he has his own Wikipedia page to boot), but why couldn't it be Kristi Lee?):
- ex-cop Mike Armstrong
- Prank caller extraordinare Roy Wood, Jr.
- Flute Man Greg Warren
- And the reason I'm making damn sure I'm seeing this show tonight, the guy who does a better Madden than Madden, Frank Caliendo
March 09, 2006
Today's Lexicographical Public Service
In case you haven't figured it out by now, the Bob & Tom song Cleveland Steamer by The Mad Armenians is a catalog of slang terms for perverse sexual practices. All of them are horribly misogynistic, many of them are illegal, and some of them are potentially fatal. The gang warns you not to look up any of the terms you don't already know, on the basis that you're better off without that knowledge.
Naturally, I will define them all here.
On second thought, I think I'll just give you the list and let you Google them for yourself.
- Cleveland Steamer
- Donkey Punch
- Egyptian Teabag
- Gaylord Perry
- Rusty Trombone
- German Knuckle Cake
- Dirty Sanchez
- Change Machine
- Pasadena Mudslide
- Roman Helmet
- Minivan
- Pittsburgh Platter
- Moroccan Meatball
- Bulgarian Gas Mask
- Alabama Hot Pocket
- Disappearing Panda
- Raspberry Beret
- San Juan Capistrano
- Dirty Muskie
- Snowmobile
- Boston Pancake
- Big Boy Combo
- Swiss Army Knife
- Fishhook
Update: Nicely done still-video on YouTube:
March 08, 2006
The Following Events Took Place, Uh, A Couple Of Nights Ago
Forgot to put this up yesterday - Jack Bauer's weekly call to Bob & Tom.
March 01, 2006
The Following Events Take Place Now...
Apparently Jack Bauer has time in his busy schedule of saving the world, keeping out of jail, avoiding being sold out to the Chinese, and juggling one-season girlfriends to give Bob & Tom a call.
February 17, 2006
I Don't Care What You Call It, As Long As It Keeps The Scotch Locker Full
Ron White, one of my favorite comedians, was on Bob & Tom last Thursday, and he said something that didn't really register with me right away:
TOM GRISWOLD: In my hand I have the new CD, it's called You Can't Fix Stupid. Is there a reason it's called You Can't Fix Stupid?
RON WHITE: Yeah, that's what the record company wanted to name it . . . it's a very little bit in the show, in that show, and people see that it's the title and they think there's a whole list of these things like [You Might Be A] redneck jokes or Here's Your Sign jokes, but there was just one little kind-of-insignificant joke, but it made a good record title, but it's also the punch line to that joke, which no longer gets a laugh. [emphasis added]
It wasn't until yesterday that I envisioned this scenario occurring at the record company:
I.M. EMPTYSUIT, Head of Comedy Division: I see we've got another album coming out from one of those redneck comedy tour guys.
U.R. LACKEY, EMPTYSUIT's assistant: Blue Collar Comedy Tour, sir. Yes, it's Ron White's latest album, and we need to come up with a title for it.
EMPTYSUIT: Well, all those redneck comics have gimmicks, right? What's that one guy - the one with the mustache - say? "You're a redneck because -"
LACKEY: Jeff Foxworthy, sir, and it's "You might be a redneck if..."
EMPTYSUIT: Right. And that little guy - Ingram, Angstrom, something - "What's your sign?"
LACKEY: Bill Engvall does "Here's your sign," sir.
EMPTYSUIT: Sure. And the other one, Daryl the White Trash Guy -
LACKEY: Larry the Cable Guy -
EMPTYSUIT: - and 'Finish Up! -
LACKEY: "Git 'R Done."
EMPTYSUIT: Whatever. Anyway, let's take a look. [Picks up CD, looks at back] Here we go. Track 13: "You Can't Fix Stupid." Hell, he probably does a list of about fifty of them, just like Mustache Guy. Let's go with that.
LACKEY: Actually, sir, I've listened to the album, and that one's a very short track, just one joke. It's hardly his theme.
EMPTYSUIT: Great. I'm thinking "You Can't Fix Stupid" in neon, like one of those roadhouse places. Meet with Graphic Arts and have them, ah, what does Daryl say again? Yeah - "Finish Up!"
LACKEY: Sir, it's "Get 'Er -" ah, the hell with it.
And speaking of Ron White, does he get away with (about 8m40s into hour 4) saying something you can't say on the radio?
February 01, 2006
Personally, I Would Have Moved To Someplace Without Wells. Or Storm Drains.
Monday on Bob & Tom, there was a report of a Baby Jessica sighting. Guess what? Girl's all growed up now and done got herself hitched:
KRISTI LEE: Do you remember the dramatic rescue of Baby Jessica when she fell down the well, remember, she was eighteen months old?She's nineteen; he's 32. Today is White Trash Wednesday. Total coincidence, I assure you. But here's the line that knocked me off the elliptical machine (the timing was good; had it happened ten minutes earlier, I would have dropped a barbell on my head):
BOB KEVOIAN: Yeah.
KRISTI LEE: Believe it or not, Baby Jessica is a baby no longer; she was married over the weekend.
BOB KEVOIAN: No kidding?
KRISTI LEE: She is now nineteen years old, and she apparently tied the knot Saturday at a rural church outside Midland, Texas. She's nineteen; her husband, 32-year-old Daniel Morales.
CHICK MCGEE: I bet they're on city water.
Of course, this being Bob & Tom, they proceeded to beat all the funny out of that line over the next hour and a half.
April 09, 2004
Karma And Other Concepts I'm Fond Of
Fair warning: this post is mainly about Survivor, and is rated R for language. If you're not a fan, but adult language doesn't bother you, pick up your reading where indicated on the extended entry.
I bet Lex is wishing he kept Ethan and Jerry around. Ethan is a good friend and could have been counted on to stay loyal, while Jerri had no loyalty at all to anybody other than Lex. If Chapera had gone into the merge with Lex, Ethan, Jerri, and Kathy, they would only have had to swing one Mogo Mogo person for the vote to come out in Lex's favor. Maybe it didn't matter; I don't know. What I do know is that Lex was an idiot for taking Rob up on his offer, and he was even more of an idiot to think that Rob would hold up his end of the deal. If there's one thing you can count on about Rob (who is playing pretty much the same way he did in Marquesas (although not as overtly aggressive), but this time there's no stronger counter-alliance to squish him early), he sticks to deals as long as they benefit him and not one second longer.
For Rob even to make the 'You take care of Amber, I'll take care of you' offer to Lex is a sign that Rob was motivated by pussy. Guys will do just about anything to get the strange they want, and once they got it, they don't never ever wanna lose it.
[Non-Survivor fans can pick up here] 'Motivated by pussy' is one of my favorite concepts. As a teenager, I once rode a crappy bike 25 miles uphill because I was motivated by pussy. It can affect men of all kinds, in any era, prince, president, or king. Never underestimate the ability of a man to do something stupid because of lust.
I first heard that expression on the Bob & Tom Show, in a fake Bill Clinton speech digitally assembled from bits of other speeches:
Good evening. This afternoon, in this room, from this chair, Monica Lewinsky moved onto my staff and my private parts - even Presidents have private parts - and that is why I am spanking Monica Lewinsky tonight. Indeed, I have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that's nobody's business but ours.
In fact, it's love with Miss Lewinsky, not only fucking Monica Lewinsky, but, in fact, a fucking that no American citizen would ever want to watch. But I told the Grand Jury today, and I say to you now: I fucked with the people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.
I can only tell you I was motivated by pussy, and I say to you now: I intend to lie, to hide or destroy evidence. I must do whatever it takes to get on with fucking Monica Lewinsky. And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of me or my fucking wife.
It is time to stop the prying into my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. It is private. It's nobody's fucking business but ours. Thank you, and good night.
Another concept I first heard about on Bob & Tom (a Mr. Obvious bit) is the idea of "'Fuck you!' money," having enough money so you can afford to tell your boss, "Fuck you!" I someday hope to have Fuck You money (I doubt I'll actually tell my boss "Fuck you!" since he's a pretty decent guy).
The last concept we'll discuss today is 'scoreboard,' which I first heard from sports talk show host Jim Rome. Basically, it means this: you can rationalize however, blame whoever, analyze whatever, and it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, the scoreboard tells you everything you need to know; indeed, it is the trump card to almost every sports argument. It works in a lot of other places outside the sporting arena, too: elections, Survivor, TV ratings, and more. Just remember not to call 'scoreboard' until the game's actually over. Boston Rob, I'm looking at you.