May 24, 2006
White Trash Noise Machine
In commemeration of Bob & Tom's recently-announced impending re-release of their entire back catalog (although I have to wonder whether they'll dub all the Q95-specific stuff from the early days), I've got the lyrics to White Trash Noise Machine, one of my all-time favorite bits. Lyrics after the jump; song snippet here.
ANNOUNCER: Oh sure, you grew up in a trailer park, but now that you've made it big and moved to the suburbs, you just can't sleep at night. You've thought about purchasing one of those expensive white noise machines that claim to create a soothing wall of sound, but tell me: do you really think that white noise is relaxing?
[FX TELEVISION STATIC]
REBA: Hell no!
ANNOUNCER: 'Hell, no' is right... darlin'. Do you have trouble sleeping at night?
REBA: Shore do!
ANNOUNCER: Let me guess - did you grow up in a trailer park?
REBA: Shore did!
ANNOUNCER: Well, Friggemall Home Health Products, a division of Bob & Tom Industries, has just the thing for you. Forget about that white noise machine - what you need is the White Trash Noise Machine!
REBA: The White Trash Noise Machine?
ANNOUNCER: That's right. The White Trash Noise Machine features dozens of the same soothing trailer park sounds you remember from your childhood. You'll feel safe and secure, and drift off to sleep like a little White Trash baby. Just press the button and listen:
WHITE TRASH TEENAGE GIRL [RECORDING]: Get up, daddy, you're crushin' my smokes!
WHITE TRASH MAN [RECORDING]: Hush up! Has anybody seen my chewin' tobacco? And where the hell's the toothpaste? I need to brush my tooth!
ANNOUNCER: Ah, yes. Nothing is more comforting than the White Trash Noise Machine.
WHITE TRASH WOMAN [RECORDING]: It is too your baby, Cletus! It's just a coincidence he looks like Morgan Freeman.
CLETUS [RECORDING]: Ah'm gonna kill you!
ANNOUNCER: You'll also get these relaxing White Trash sounds: a Camaro falling off the blocks...
[F/X CRASHING]
ANNOUNCER: ...flyswatter...
[F/X BUZZING FLY HIT BY FLYSWATTER]
ANNOUNCER: ...a bullhorn from the TV show Cops...
COP [RECORDING, THROUGH BULLHORN]: Drop the snake and put your hands on the car.
ANNOUNCER: ...the sound of a marijuana bong...
[F/X SPARKING LIGHTER, INHALING, BUBBLING WATER]
ANNOUNCER: ...and every single song from Tim Wilson.
TIM WILSON IMPERSONATOR: Heyyyairrhuhho. [F/X GUITAR STRUM]
ANNOUNCER: With the White Trash Noise Machine, you'll always get a good night's sleep. Check out these unsolicited testimonials:
WHITE TRASH MAN: Ah tell you what - this White Trash Noise Machine knocks me out faster than an Oxycontin and a 12-pack of PBR.
WHITE TRASH WOMAN: Y'know, after I won the lottery, I just couldn't sleep in this big ol' faincy house. But I couldn't take sleeping pills on account of that damn court-ordered drug testing. Shoot, nowadays I can sleep in until it's time to go out on the porch and watch Jerry Springer. Thank you, White Trash Noise Machine. Jesse! Justin! Jasper! Jacob! Get in here and go get cleaned up. Your daddies are stopping by today. You too, Jamal.
ANNOUNCER: It's a White Trash Noise Machine! Order now, and you'll receive, as our gift to you, the White Trash Aromatherapy Machine. You'll enjoy all those comforting smells you remember from your childhood. There's Cheez Whiz...
[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]
ANNOUNCER: fried baloney...
[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]
ANNOUNCER: Jack Daniels...
[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]
ANNOUNCER: Jack Daniels and vomit...
[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]
ANNOUNCER: Jack Daniels, vomit, and Cheez Whiz...
[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]
ANNOUNCER: gunpower...
[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]
ANNOUNCER: ...and, of course, poopy diapers.
[F/X AEROSOL SPRAY]
REBA: Whoo! Now that brings back memories!
ANNOUNCER: Right you are, Reba, you mayonnaise sandwich-eating cracker! The White Trash Noise Machine! And if you order right now, you'll also receive these White Trash sounds:
ANNOUNCER: Restraining order...
ANGRY WHITE TRASH MAN [RECORDING]: It's gonna take more than a damn piece of paper to keep me from seeing you, sweetheart!
ANNOUNCER: ...repo man...
[F/X WRECKER DRIVING AWAY]
WHITE TRASH MAN [RECORDING]: Aw, come on, man! The check's in the mail!
ANNOUNCER: ...propane heater exploding...
WHITE TRASH MAN [RECORDING]: Hey, baby, you smell something?
[F/X EXPLOSION]
ANNOUNCER: The White Trash Noise Machine, from Friggemall Home Health Products, a division of Bob & Tom Industries... y'all.
It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour:
Category: White Trash Wednesday