February 23, 2004

Time Of Your Life, Eh, Kid?

This just in from the Dangerous Logic field office in Boulder: in a coup reminiscent of the Miami Playbook found by badjocks.com, we have discovered the University of Colorado Football Recruiting Handbook. This one is definitely not safe for the kiddies.

Thank you for volunteering your time to escort a potential Buffalo on his official campus visit. We want to do everything possible to ensure the recruit's visit is memorable and shows a true picture of what he can expect if he chooses to come to CU.

For dinner, select any restaurant listed in Appendix A. Feel free to order everything on the menu; your check will only include a charge for burgers/fries/coke X 2 in order to comply with NCAA regulations. Be sure to save your receipts for reimbursement.

Our background check will have determined your recruit's entertainment preferences, but ask him again to make sure. If your recruit prefers an Escorted Party, contact the host so he can plan for the proper number of guests (if you don't know who's hosting the Escorted party, contact the Recruiting Pimp [handwritten note: "Oops - we missed that when we changed the title to "Coordinator;" make sure that gets fixed in Revision B of the handbook!"]). If you are hosting the Escorted Party, contact one of the Escort Services listed in Appendix B. Follow the Telephone Rules: use a pay phone, not your dorm room/apartment phone or cell phone [handwritten note: "and DEFINITELY don't use a University-owned cell phone like that genius Nathan Maxcey"]. If you want to use an Escort Service not listed in Appendix B, get approval from the Recruiting Coordinator first to ensure per diem guidelines are followed.

Once at the Escorted Party, know which girls are escorts and which are regular girls so your recruit can get Escorted in a satisfying, pleasant, and - most importantly - unaccountable manner. Stress the use of condoms, as lack of DNA evidence helps unaccountability. Likewise, be sure your recruit understands that there should be no witnesses to any time spent with a regular girl; any subsequent allegations can be dismissed as 'he said/she said.' This has worked well for us many times in the past.

NOTE: Be sure to confirm the racial preference of your recruit - don't assume same-race. Our background checks are pretty thorough, but they're not perfect, and we don't want a repeat of the time where we had to offer up a booster's daughter to keep the kid from going to Nebraska instead.

If your recruit prefers a Dance Recital, contact the Performance Coordinator, since these are done as group visits. If you are Performance Coordinator, contact any dancing establishment listed in Appendix C to set up your visit (remember the Telephone Rules!). Call again just before arrival to make sure all arrangements are still valid. Upon arrival, the Performance Coordinator will survey the establishment for undesirable elements (photos and descriptions of all known Colorado State Excise Police and Boulder County Sheriff Underage Drinking Task Torce undercover officers can be found in Appendix D. Don't worry about Boulder PD; they're on board with us). One member of the group will act as lookout; know your escape routes in case undesirable elements arrive! If in doubt, double-check with the manager. It is the lookout's job to create a disturbance to distract the undesirable elements while the rest of the group escapes. Don't worry - bail will be provided from the general scholarship fund. The limit is $500, so the lookout is reminded to punch another bar patron (which is simple assault) and not a police officer (assaulting an officer carries a much higher bail, and the player is responsible for repaying any amount above $500).

When you're done, go to Buffalo Bob's Bison Bowling (on Valmont just east of Airport Road) and request receipts for use in filing your expense report. Please file your expense report within seven days of your recruit's visit, per NCAA regulations. [handwritten note: "Addition for Rev B: Tutors in Remedial Math can help with expense reports"]

Some weirdos actually prefer bowling; go ahead and do that if it's what they want. The object of the game is to throw the heavy ball down the aisle (bowlers call them 'lanes') to knock over the white things standing at the other end ('pins'). Please make sure you're throwing the ball down your own aisle - there was an incident last year where there was some confusion, and something about ruining some 75-year-old guy's 'best chance at his first perfect game,' whatever that means, and then a lawsuit, but the guy's dead now so we got out of it OK.

And finally, remember the most important rule of all: Never ever EVER let Coach Barnett hear anything.
I'm too much of a chickenshit to leave this out: the preceding was a work of satire.

Posted by Chris at 03:04 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Auditions For 'The Onion'

February 10, 2004

And For Dessert, A Mudslide Sundae (Now With Real Mud!)

The chronic famine in North Korea seems to have gotten worse:

FOUR million North Koreans will starve in the freezing northern winter because international aid donations have dried up amid rising suspicion over the isolated country's nuclear weapons activities.

A United Nations agency said yesterday its food supplies were all but exhausted and it would have to abandon four million people already on short rations.

. . .

UN North Korea representative Masood Hyder said in Beijing yesterday: "A food crisis is on us at the wrong time. We are scraping the bottom of the barrel."

. . .

Mr Hyder said the agency did not expect mass starvation deaths. But malnutrition and other health problems would surge among North Koreans whose daily aid rations of about 500g of food a person was already considered the bare minimum needed. In 2002, 42 per cent of North Korean children were found to be stunted.
I don't see what the problem is. I found a picture of this year's senior class meal at Kaesong High School:

The Kaesong High Class of 2004 gathers for their annual meal

When asked if he was enjoying himself, class salutatorian Kim Il-Suk (second from right) said "I haven't eaten this well since my junior class meal."

Posted by Chris at 08:36 AM | Comments (0)
Category: Auditions For 'The Onion'

May 22, 2003

Anna Kournikova To Miss Rest of Season With Hyperextended Beauty

Anna Kournikova To Miss Rest of Season With Hyperextended Beauty

The injury-plagued career of sexpot and sometime pro tennis player Anna Kournikova took another downturn today, as her physician announced that she is out for the year with hyperextended beauty. "Anna cannot continue playing tennis for the forseeable future with the shape she is in," said Dr. Raoul Gentry of the Human Aesthetics Institute in Los Angeles. "She has struggled with this condition for many years. It is a handicap that other top players, such as Lindsey Davenport and Jennifer Capriati, do not have." Among the specific symptoms cited by Gentry are an inability of male judges and linesmen to follow the ball when she is on the court; being blinded by flashbulbs every time she bends over; constant exhaustion from the abnormally high-class off-court lifestyle she is forced to lead; and her silky, golden-blond hair getting tangled in her tennis racket, interfering with her ability to strike a pose.

Although the condition is generally self-curing with age, there are drastic steps Kournikova could take to treat it now. Before she does, there are quality-of-life issues to consider. Said Gentry, "Her tennis career won't last forever, and then what would she have? You read all the time about pro football players who are basically crippled by age 40 due to sacrifices they made for the game they played. This would be no different. Anna would spend the rest of her life hideously scarred from such a treatment." When asked what kind of treatment would leave that kind of scarring, Gentry said "Basically we just carve a bunch of scars into her. That pretty much takes away the beauty."

Kournikova was in conference with her cosmetologist and could not be reached for comment.

Posted by Chris at 04:26 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Auditions For 'The Onion'

February 19, 2002

Allez Satire!

I'm great at starting new projects; finishing them, not so much. I am pleased to announce that I've finally finished something: inspired by a brief bit on ironchef-usa.com, my own (nearly) full-length Iron Chef parody: Battle Long Pig.

I've also updated the Office Lexicon.

Posted by Chris at 09:23 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Auditions For 'The Onion'

April 25, 2001

Sub Captain Formally Apologizes, Commits Ritual Suicide; Hailed In Japan As Hero

Commander Scott Waddle, captain of the USS Greeneville, arrived in Uwajima, Japan, today and formally apologized to the family of Toshimichi Furuya, one of nine people killed when the Greeneville rammed and sank the Ehime Maru on February 9. After Waddle made a few brief remarks, Shizuko Kimura, sister of Furuya, presented Waddle and executive officer Lieutenant Commander Gerald Pfeifer with a matched set of traditional Japanese swords. Then, in a gruesome but poignant ceremony, Waddle knelt before a Shinto shrine in the family's living room and commited seppuku with the wakizashi while Pfeifer stood second with the katana, prepared to decapitate Waddle if he risked dishonoring himself by crying out. After mopping up the copious amount of blood and spilled entrails, Kimura said that Waddle has "atoned for the great shame of murdering my brother" and brought honor to his family and crew. A high-level Pentagon spokesman says that President Bush is "satisfied" with the outcome and considers the matter closed.

OK, I made that all up, but I'm surprised The Onion hasn't come up with something like it yet. Except better, since they're way way funnier than I am.

Posted by Chris at 04:10 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Auditions For 'The Onion'