Office Jargon for the 21st Century

I've always been fascinated by the way people in technical jobs mutate our language, whether by 'verbizing' nouns, defining triply-nested-acronyms, or just plain coining new terms. I know I can't keep up with the wholesale volume of Pseudodictionary or the interconnectedness of Everything2. However, I guarantee that I have heard each of the following definitions used firsthand (if only, in some cases, because I've coined the terms).

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Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located.
(also 'a-cluistic') Clueless and extraordinarily clue-resistant. A subject of this study. [courtesy co-worker Mike G.]
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
All fouled up.
Alpha Geek
The most technically proficient person in the group.
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Badge violation
Wearing your work badge into the bar for happy hour. The penalty is usually to buy the first round.
Interchangable with 'meeting' in many circumstances.
Restroom break.
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Bleeding people
Suffering a high rate of employee resignations.
Blowing your buffer
Losing your train of thought. Also 'dumping your buffer.'
Boat Anchor
Any obsolete piece of hardware.
Body Nazis
Hardcore exercise/weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out excessively.
Body Shop
Contract engineering firm.
Bend Over, Here It Comes Again. See also "Dilberted."
Any frantic keyboard/mouse activity generated by your boss entering your office; for example, quitting Solitaire and maximizing the budget forecast spreadsheet.
Brown Number
Any statistic generated using the PIDOOMA or ROMA models.
Cabinet Condom
Tape wrapped around the pushbutton lock of a file cabinet to make sure it doesn't accidentally get locked (since you don't have the key).
Career Canary
A person where you work who is slightly less competent than you are. When this person gets rifted, it's time to leave. (From the canaries kept in coal mines to detect gas--when the canary dies, it's time to go.)
Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Carter's Trap
If you display an ability to work well with difficult co-workers, you will continually be assigned to work with difficult co-workers.
Corrolary: If you execute an unpleasant or distasteful assignment well, you will be given more unpleasant or distasteful assignments.
Chainsaw consultant
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
Changing suits
Leaving the military and joining a related industry.
Chips And Salsa
Hardware and Software. "First we need to figure out whether the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
Chocolate Microscope
Any piece of non-essential gear bought by a .com to make the working environment 'cooler,' particularly if it's a waste of money. From The Simpsons: when Springfield Elementary strikes oil and can afford all manner of extravagant purchases, Ralph Wiggins requests (and is approved for) chocolate microscopes for the lab. [From Chancellor on AnandTech's 'Hot Deals' forum]
Cleans Up Well
A technical employee (usually a software developer) who can be brought to a product demonstration or customer meeting without embarrassing the company.
A window used as a whiteboard.
Code Rot
Perfectly good, unmodified software suddenly ceasing to function.
To peek into a conference room to see if a meeting is in progress. "I crackeyed the room, but it was full of suits."
Crisis Junkie
Someone who can only do his/her best work when in crisis mode. See also 'stress puppy.'
Critical Need Sensor
The part on a copier that makes it break down just when you need it the most.
Crowd Gravity
The principle that a group gathered in a hallway or outside a cubicle grows in size by sucking in people who pass by. Also called 'flypaper meeting.'
Cube Farm
An office area filled with cubicles.
Die A Screaming Horrible Death: when your program or system crashes.
Decision Mendoza Line
The level in the hierarchy above which
  1. You get credit for good decisions made by anyone below you,
  2. You avoid blame for bad decisions you make, shunting it to people below you (q.v. Fecal Gravity).
Corrolary: if you're below the line, credit for all your good decisions goes to your boss, while blame for bad decisions made by everyone above you goes to you.
Deface Time
Being caught by your boss doing something unproductive. Contrast 'Face Time.'
Deja Moo
The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
To get screwed over by your boss. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Download some brownware
Visit the toilet.
Drop-Dead Date
a hard deadline.
Ego Surfing
Scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Eighty-Eighty Split
When you're splitting your time 50-50 between two bosses, and each boss bases his 50% on the fact that there are approximately 160 hours in a week (q.v. Hundred-Hundred Split).
Elvis Year
The peak year of someone or something's popularity. "Barney The Dinosaur's Elvis Year was 1993."
Evil Space Magic
Any technical process or detail you don't understand, particularly something thought to be impossible but accomplished anyway.
Face Time
1. Any significant social contact with a superior. 2. Being seen by your boss doing something significantly productive or heroic. Contrast 'Deface Time'.
Fecal Gravity
Crap flows downhill.
Fix It In Post
An excuse to escape from or procrastinate about a sticky situation (from video production: "We (or somebody else) will deal with this in post-production.").
Flight Risk
An employee who is suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
Fauxne Pas
(pronounced "fone pa") Speaking freely because you think the speakerphone is muted... but it isn't. Illustrated here.
A recent college graduate (i.e., "fresh out" of college).
'Give-A-F*ck Factor:' usually expressed as a decreasing trend after (or during) a long, painful assignment. "My GFF was OK until the customer puked all over our bid and told us to start from scratch; now it's approaching zero."
Including something in a proposal or prototype that you know your competition can't do.
Those features of the American landscape (strip malls, motel/restaurant chains, prefab housing) that are exactly the same no matter what part of the country you're in. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."
Go Suit
What happens to an engineer promoted to management that forgets his/her techie roots. "Sue's kung fu was the best, but she went suit and now she's just another PHB."
Goat picture
When someone terribly incompetent gets promoted, it must be because s/he has a picture of his/her boss doing something unnatural to a goat. Illustrated here.
Group Grope
Any meeting designed to decide something.
Group Hug
Any meeting convened by management designed to improve morale.
Your boss's boss.
A software bug you can't find using the debugger, because the debugger changes the timing of the program's execution enough to keep the bug from happening. From the idea that the act of observing something changes it, which is part of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.
Human Compiler
A peer review attendee who only checks syntax, grammar, spelling, and punctuation, with no technical input.
Hundred-Hundred Split
When you split your time 50-50 between two bosses, and one of them thinks everything he wants you to do is more important than anything the other boss wants you to do, so he tasks you like you're working for him full time. Of course, the other boss thinks exactly the same way. Opposite of Zero-Zero Split.
'I Love Me' Wall
A cube wall with the occupant's diploma(e), awards, certifications, etc., prominently displayed. Beware the Peacock Principle
Idea Hamsters
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Net acronym for In My Never Even Remotely Humble Opinion.
A very small milestone.
Fancy name for output statements added to code in order to aid debugging.
A boss who hands out assignments and never follows up on them, relying on his subordinates to interrupt him with progress reports (from Precision Blogging).
Key Macarena
Sequentially patting all your pockets in search of your keys.
Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
An impossible assignment that will guarantee your being blamed when you fail (from Star Trek's 'Kobiashi Maru,' an unwinnable training scenario).
Kung Fu
Technical skills. "Sue's kung fu was the best."
Long Pole
From 'long pole in the tent,' the person or group most behind schedule, thus holding up the entire program.
Lose the bubble
To lose focus.
Malicious Obedience
Obeying a bad order to the letter to ensure its spectacular failure. (cf. Selective Obedience)
Someone highly skilled at dodging A) assignments in general, or B) blame for failed ones. Ole!
Any worker-bee employee of Microsoft; also, a low-level programmer or engineer at any tech company.
Midnight Requisition
Stealing all the good furniture and office supplies from someone's office after s/he leaves the company.
Mouse Potato
The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
To be inconvienienced by <name>'s signature recurring screwup.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
Operator headspace
A dumb mistake. Also called 'brain fart' or 'pilot error.'
Option slave
When you want to quit but can't until your $1 million in options is vested.
Anyone for whom the Peacock Principle applies.
Peacock Principle
Your value to the company is inversely proportional to the number of awards you display in your office (q.v. 'I Love Me' Wall).
Peer Management
The fine art of dealing with coworkers, particularly difficult ones.
To quit unexpectedly. "My cell phone just peroted."
Pulled It Directly Out Of My *ss: the decision-making tool designed to generate a WAG. Also called the 'ROMA Model' (Right Out of My *ss).
Post Out
To transfer within the company by answering a job posting.
Prairie Dogging
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Profit Erosion
Losing money.
Pull A Scotty
To tell your boss that a given (difficult) task will take X time, but you finish it in X/2 (or X/5, or even X/10) time. From Scotty on ST:tOS, who would tell Captain Kirk that (say) regonculating the warp core retroincavulators would take days, but who would complete the task in hours because the survival of the ship depended on it. (Courtesy co-worker Tim O.)
Resume Stain
A previous job that was so bad (or was with a company whose reputation is so bad) that you'd rather make up an excuse for the time gap on your resume than list the job.
To be laid off. From RIF, 'Reduction In Force'. See also 'uninstalled.'
Salmon day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Schedule Chicken
Not telling management you can't make schedule, betting that some other person or group will admit they can't make schedule so you can get the extra time you need without catching any flak for it. Of course, somebody else may be doing the same thing...
Screensaver mode
To be sitting in one's office, staring blankly into space. (from Readers' Digest)
Seagull Manager
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops over everything and then leaves.
Selective Obedience
Interpreting contradictory or ambiguous orders to your maximum advantage (or minimum work). (cf. Malicious Obedience)
Sharpening The Saw
Masturbation. Co-opted from the eponymous corporate buzzword.
Contraction of 'sh*tload,', the amount of money an average contract engineer makes in a week. Also 'shirtload.'
Shotgun start
Starting requirements analysis, system design, software development, and testing of a project all at the same time. (from golf - an event that starts with participants starting on different holes at the same time, with the start signalled by an official firing a shotgun)
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Slacker Window
The gray area between screwing up an unpleasant assignment badly enough that you won't be given similar ones in the future and screwing it up badly enough that you get fired. A way to avoid Carter's Trap.
A speakerphone with one or more remote microphones wired to it. Used in large conference rooms; beware the fauxne pas.
Squirt the bird
To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Standup Status
Verbal status report given when your boss is at the urinal next to yours.
Starter marriage
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
Stealth bug
When someone else's code is broken so badly that it obscures the fact that yours is broken as well.
A meeting that takes place immediately after and in the same location as another meeting, where the meeting leader asks a subset of the attendees to 'stick around.'
Stock Shock
Temporary (or not) loss of productivity due to everyone discussing a major drop in the company's stock price.
Incompetent co-workers. [From kzinti on Slashdot: "My friend referred to the incompetents as 'strap-ons'. He'd say 'Yeah, you get to work in the morning, strap on a couple, carry them all day, take 'em off before you go home.'"]
Stress puppy
Someone who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. See also 'crisis junkie.'
Member of management.
Swiped out
An ATM or credit card where the magnetic strip has been worn completely off.
To enter a keycard-controlled area without a keycard by closely following the person in front of you. (seen on Dilbert)
Speakerphone Voice
The not-quite-shouting-but-loud-and-strained tone of voice necessary to be heard over most speakerphones. Also audible five cubes away.
Telephone Number Salary
A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists." See also 'Vacationers.'
Hacker slang for documentation or or printed material.
PC or workstation.
Being fired. Also 'deinstalled.' See also 'rifted.'
Ultra Slick Bullsh*t Artist. Marketing people, attorneys, etc.
People who take frequent business trips just to get a vacation from their jobs. See also 'Tourists.'
Wearing {green | blue} underwear
When someone changes suits and continues to think and/or act like they're still in the military. They may be in civilian clothes, but they're still green/blue underneath.
Someone who's clueless. From "Who helped you log on?" See also '404.'
Wild-*ssed Guess: an estimate, forecast, or projection generated from the PIDOOMA Model.
Xerox subsidy
Swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. Also applies to faxing personal stuff and stealing office supplies.
Yuppie Food Stamps
Brand new $20 bills from an ATM.
Zero-Zero Split
When you're supposed to be splitting your time 50-50 between two groups or projects, and you tell each boss that your other tasking is taking all your time. An effective way to goof off, as long as your bosses don't compare notes.

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