February 23, 2004

Time Of Your Life, Eh, Kid?

This just in from the Dangerous Logic field office in Boulder: in a coup reminiscent of the Miami Playbook found by badjocks.com, we have discovered the University of Colorado Football Recruiting Handbook. This one is definitely not safe for the kiddies.

Thank you for volunteering your time to escort a potential Buffalo on his official campus visit. We want to do everything possible to ensure the recruit's visit is memorable and shows a true picture of what he can expect if he chooses to come to CU.

For dinner, select any restaurant listed in Appendix A. Feel free to order everything on the menu; your check will only include a charge for burgers/fries/coke X 2 in order to comply with NCAA regulations. Be sure to save your receipts for reimbursement.

Our background check will have determined your recruit's entertainment preferences, but ask him again to make sure. If your recruit prefers an Escorted Party, contact the host so he can plan for the proper number of guests (if you don't know who's hosting the Escorted party, contact the Recruiting Pimp [handwritten note: "Oops - we missed that when we changed the title to "Coordinator;" make sure that gets fixed in Revision B of the handbook!"]). If you are hosting the Escorted Party, contact one of the Escort Services listed in Appendix B. Follow the Telephone Rules: use a pay phone, not your dorm room/apartment phone or cell phone [handwritten note: "and DEFINITELY don't use a University-owned cell phone like that genius Nathan Maxcey"]. If you want to use an Escort Service not listed in Appendix B, get approval from the Recruiting Coordinator first to ensure per diem guidelines are followed.

Once at the Escorted Party, know which girls are escorts and which are regular girls so your recruit can get Escorted in a satisfying, pleasant, and - most importantly - unaccountable manner. Stress the use of condoms, as lack of DNA evidence helps unaccountability. Likewise, be sure your recruit understands that there should be no witnesses to any time spent with a regular girl; any subsequent allegations can be dismissed as 'he said/she said.' This has worked well for us many times in the past.

NOTE: Be sure to confirm the racial preference of your recruit - don't assume same-race. Our background checks are pretty thorough, but they're not perfect, and we don't want a repeat of the time where we had to offer up a booster's daughter to keep the kid from going to Nebraska instead.

If your recruit prefers a Dance Recital, contact the Performance Coordinator, since these are done as group visits. If you are Performance Coordinator, contact any dancing establishment listed in Appendix C to set up your visit (remember the Telephone Rules!). Call again just before arrival to make sure all arrangements are still valid. Upon arrival, the Performance Coordinator will survey the establishment for undesirable elements (photos and descriptions of all known Colorado State Excise Police and Boulder County Sheriff Underage Drinking Task Torce undercover officers can be found in Appendix D. Don't worry about Boulder PD; they're on board with us). One member of the group will act as lookout; know your escape routes in case undesirable elements arrive! If in doubt, double-check with the manager. It is the lookout's job to create a disturbance to distract the undesirable elements while the rest of the group escapes. Don't worry - bail will be provided from the general scholarship fund. The limit is $500, so the lookout is reminded to punch another bar patron (which is simple assault) and not a police officer (assaulting an officer carries a much higher bail, and the player is responsible for repaying any amount above $500).

When you're done, go to Buffalo Bob's Bison Bowling (on Valmont just east of Airport Road) and request receipts for use in filing your expense report. Please file your expense report within seven days of your recruit's visit, per NCAA regulations. [handwritten note: "Addition for Rev B: Tutors in Remedial Math can help with expense reports"]

Some weirdos actually prefer bowling; go ahead and do that if it's what they want. The object of the game is to throw the heavy ball down the aisle (bowlers call them 'lanes') to knock over the white things standing at the other end ('pins'). Please make sure you're throwing the ball down your own aisle - there was an incident last year where there was some confusion, and something about ruining some 75-year-old guy's 'best chance at his first perfect game,' whatever that means, and then a lawsuit, but the guy's dead now so we got out of it OK.

And finally, remember the most important rule of all: Never ever EVER let Coach Barnett hear anything.
I'm too much of a chickenshit to leave this out: the preceding was a work of satire.

Posted by Chris at February 23, 2004 03:04 PM

Category: Auditions For 'The Onion'