Iron Chef - Battle Long Pig

[Rated TV-14 for sexual innuendo and... unusual... culinary ingredients. You have been warned.]

"Tell me who you eat, and I'll tell you what you are." -- Brillat-Lechter

Kenji Fukui: "Eight years ago, a man's fantasy became reality. And when he woke up the next morning, the three geishas were gone. But I digress. Eight years ago, a man's fantasy became reality in a forum never seen before - Kitchen Stadium, Kitchen Stadium. The motivation for spending his fortune to create Kitchen Stadium was to generate ratings. Oh, yeah--and cooking, too."

Chairman Takeshi Kaga: "Gentlemen, start your cooking!" [drops green flag]

Fukui: "To realize his dream, he secretly started choosing the chefs with the highest Q-Ratings in Japan. And he named his men the Iron Chefs - the invincible men of culinary skill. Iron Chef Japanese is bad boy Masaharu Morimoto. Iron Chef French is ladies' man Hiroyuki Sakai. Iron Chef Chinese is sad-eyed underdog Chen Kenichi. And heartthrob Masahiko Kobe is Iron Chef Italian. Look out N'Sync, here come the Iron Chefs!

"Kitchen Stadium is the arena where Iron Chefs await the challenges of Master Chefs from around the world. Both the Iron Chef and challenger have one hour to tackle the theme ingredient of the day. Using all their senses, skills, creativity, gadgets, and gimmicks, they're to prepare artistic dishes never tasted before, or, hopefully, again. And if ever a challenger wins over the Iron Chef, he or she will get his job! Well, not really, but that's how it ought to work!

"Every battle, reputations are on the line in Kitchen Stadium, where master chefs pit their hare-brained schemes against each other. What lame subplot or back story does today's challenger bring, and how will the Iron Chef fight back? The fix will be in!"

Kaga: "If memory serves me right, this is the 1,978th time I've used that phrase. I have grown tired of the pedestrian cuisine that has come through Kitchen Stadium in recent months. I mean, if you've seen one sorbet containing natto, beef cheek, and corn flakes, you've seen them all. For today's battle, we go to the farthest corner of civilization."

Pingpangwallawalla Bingbang: "What do I bring to Kitchen Stadium? I think I can demonstrate a side of the culinary arts no one has never seen before. Or at least lived to tell about it."

Kaga: "Today's challenger: from the Bula Vinaka Beachside Hotel in Pogo-Pogo, Head... Chef Pingpangwallawalla Bingbang. He started cooking at age 11, after a tragic hunting accident showed him his career lay in food preparation, not food procurement. He apprenticed under the great Ooee Ooh-ah-ah,"

[Picture: A young, skinny Bingbang with Ooh-ah-ah and three other young chefs]

"working his way up through the ranks from sous chef"

[Picture: A teenage Bingbang with Ooh-ah-ah and two other teenage chefs]

"to Associate Head... Chef..."

[Picture: A twentysomething, chubby Bingbang with Ooh-ah-ah and another chef]

"until age 35, when he took over as Head... Chef upon the retirement of his mentor."

[Picture: Bingbang, seriously pudgy now, presenting a gold watch to Ooh-ah-ah. No other chefs are seen.]

"His dishes are a montage of beautifully orchestrated native arrangements, skillfully blending ingredients to harmonize and draw out the natural... oh, hell. It tastes good and looks good too. So, Bingbang-san, show us why you are considered the Alain Chapel of Pogo-Pogoese cuisine."

Bingbang: "Who's he? I mean, I'll do my best!"

[Kaga enters Kitchen Stadium, mugs it up a bit and bites a pepper. Medium shot of Kaga hiccuping once, then pan back to show the sous chefs.]

Iron Chef Logo: "Fire!"

[The assembled sous chefs all trade their Toque Demagnys for flying helmets and prayer scarves, turn around, and salute Kaga. Then they race offstage to their waiting Zeroes.]

Iron Chef Logo: "Whoosh!"


Iron Chef Logo: "Whoosh!"

[Kaga enters, goes to podium. A chunk of bell pepper is stuck in his teeth.]

Kaga: "One of the problems with searching far and wide for new and innovative cuisine is that eventually you come to the end of the earth, or at least the end of the line. And today I think I've done just that with today's challenger. Now let's bring him on! From Bula Vinaka Beachside in Pogo-Pogo, Head... Chef Pingpangwallawalla Bingbang!"

[Bingbang enters to the sound of jungle drums.]

Fukui: "Now entering Kitchen Stadium in traditional Pogo-Pogoese garb, and accompanied by what can only be called a headhunter raiding party, is today's challenger, Pingpangwallawalla Bingbang! Bingbang, whose culinary influences stretch from the Andes to Milwaukee, will bring a refreshing change to the competition!"

Kaga: [around a toothpick] "Welcome to Kitchen Stadium."

Bingbang: "Thank you. Nice to be here. This is for you." [presents Kaga a necklace with a shrunken head and several finger bones.]

Kaga: "Thank you. How do you intend to shake things up around here?"

Bingbang: "I've got recipes and techniques that will eat your brain--I mean, blow your mind."

Kaga: "Excellent. Now let's meet the Iron Chefs, who lately have started to bore me. Yomigerayu Aiyann Sheffu!"

[Three of the Iron Chefs rise on their podia; Kobe does not appear.]

Fukui: "Blah, blah, blah; your Iron Chefs; yadda, yadda, yadda, leaders in Japanese cuisine, and once again Kobe's stuck in the back room at the card table with the rest of the children."

Kaga: "So. Which Iron Chef will it be?"

Bingbang: "I want to honor your Iron Chef by addressing him in his language. Yo, Morimoto! I got your Iron Chef right here!"

[Bingbang does a package check and flips Morimoto the bird. Morimoto responds by slapping his bicep and raising his fist.]

Fukui: "It's Morimoto! Fresh from stiffing Nobu and opening his own place in Philadelphia, Iron Chef Japanese Masaharu Morimoto has returned to give us a neo-pan-Japanese-fusion-God-knows-what-else-style cuisine versus where-the-hell-is-Pogo-Pogo-anyway-style cuisine battle!"

Kaga: "If memory serves me right, today's theme ingredient is regarded as a delicacy in the most remote places of our planet, and in the most desperate of situations. It is extraordinarily rare and difficult to find. I have to thank the last two chefs that unsuccessfully challenged the Iron Chefs for providing us with today's theme ingredient. We reveal the theme ingredient!"

[Flourish, cape, smoke. Two coffins rise out of the floor, each containing a variety of odd cuts of meat. Swelling ominous power chords, drum beats.]

Kaga: "The theme ingredient is... Long Pig!"

[Reaction shots: the challenger is gleeful; Morimoto looks perplexed.]

[Morimoto asks the challenger something, and is shocked and horrified by the response. Morimoto slams his hat to the ground and storms out of Kitchen Stadium, nearly running over Tommy from Battle Rock Crab, whose parents threw him out of the stands to get the hat.]

[Kaga intercepts Morimoto on the runway and a heated exchange occurs which is neither dubbed nor subtitled. Finally, Kaga hands Morimoto a wakazashi, picks up a katana for himself, and gives Morimoto a meaningful look. Morimoto sighs, gives Kaga back the wakazashi, and troops back into Kitchen Stadium after a brief detour into the stands to retrieve his hat from Tommy.]

Fukui: "Morimoto has finished his last-minute consultation with Chairman Kaga, and we're ready to go! Iron Chef Japanese Masaharu Morimoto versus Challenger Pingpangwallawalla Bingbang!"

Kaga: "On your mark... get set..." [fires starter's pistol]

                         \   m m   /
                         \  -----  /
                          / |   | \
                          \-| K |-/
                           ||   ||
                           - \ / -
Challenger                                     Iron Chef
Pingpangwallawalla           vs                Masaharu
Bingbang                                       Morimoto
                        Long Pig Battle

Gong Of Fate: "Gong!"

Fukui: "Morimoto gets the jump coming out of the blocks, and--Oh! he's swept up in a snare that Bingbang rigged while Morimoto was consulting with Chairman Kaga! That'll cost him some time while he cuts himself down! Meanwhile, Bingbang is already on his way back to the work area, loaded down with long pig!"


Time Limit: One Hour

The Chef who offers dishes that best articulate the theme ingredient is the winner. In case of a tie, there will be a 30-minute overtime battle.

Today's Theme Ingredient: Two complete long pigs from Kyoto]

Fukui: "And now let's introduce our guests for today's battle. First, actor Yoshizumi Ishihara."

Yoshizumi Ishihara: "Very nice to be here."

Fukui: "Thanks for taking time off from your Eddie Munster tribute show to be with us today."

Ishihara: "Yes."

Fukui: "And next to him we have actress Miwako Fujitani, fresh off her wildly successful film 'Giggles With Airheads.' Thanks for being here today."

Miwako Fujitani: *titter* "Yes." *tee-hee*

Fukui: "Quite a battle we have ahead of us today. Have you ever tried long pig?"

Fujitani: *trill* "Once, when I was filming "Bimbos of Donner Pass." The taste is exotic, yet strangely familiar; firm, yet gentle; upwards, yet forwards; and always twirling, twirling, twirling toward freedom!" *giggle snort*

Fukui: "And as always, Doctor Yukio Hattori."

[Hattori says nothing; his freakishly large brain just pulsates quietly]

Fukui: "Doc, Chairman Kaga really pushes the envelope with this one! Only a handful of chefs have ever worked with Long Pig, and you'd have to travel far and wide to find one who uses it now! Clearly we are on the challenger's turf in this battle; Morimoto looks perplexed!"

Yukio Hattori: "Some famous chefs fluent with this ingredient were Donner, Packer, and Dahmer, and of course the retired Lecter. However, most chefs who regularly use Long Pig end up dying in obscurity of Kreutzfeld-Jakob disease. And I wouldn't be too worried about Morimoto. You could give him roofing tar as a theme ingredient and Von Kishi would still score it 19-17 in his favor."

Shinichiro Ohta: "Fukui-san?"

Fukui: "From the floor, Ohta, bringin' the noise, bringin' the funk."

Ohta: "The Iron Chef has his rice cooker going."

Hattori: "Japanese chef. Rice cooker. What a stretch."

Ishihara: "I wonder what he'll cook in there?"

Fujitani: "Ooh! I had something very much like this dish once, about ten years ago--no, wait, it was this morning."

Hattori [sotto voce]: "This is gonna be a lonnnnng battle."

Tokyo Rose: "Fifteen minutes have elapsed."

Ishihara: "That was never fifteen minutes just now."

Hattori: "It's called 'editing,' you numbskull."

[Bingbang uses a scalpel to open the chest and abdomen with one incision. He removes the liver and one set of ribs, then opens the chest far enough to accomodate a lawn trimmer with a metal blade. He closes the cavity over the trimmer blade and motions for a sous chef to turn it on.]

Fukui: "Over on the challenger's side--geez, you'd think this guy would have used a food processor!"

Ohta: "Fukui-san?"

Fukui: "Hit me!"

Ohta: "I asked the challenger about this technique and he said it's good for barbecue parties where there may not be electricity to run a food processor."

Hattori: "That makes sense. There are a lot of places on Pogo-Pogo that don't have electricity, and the Pogo-Pogoese love to camp, so this would be a good substitute."

Fukui: "Liver and ribs go into separate marinades, and I wonder what's going to become of the innards?"

Ishihara: "Filling for a kidney pie?"

Fukui: "That's a lot of trouble to go to--now look at what he's doing! He's dumping the contents into a strainer pot, bones and all!"

Hattori: "OK, I see what he's doing now. This'll be a soup stock."

Fujitani: "I was hoping it'd be a pie."

Ishihara: "Oh, so that means no dessert?"

Iron Chef logo: "Whoosh!"


Iron Chef logo: "Whoosh!"

[Closeup with caption: Ooee Ooh-ahah, Director of Culinary Procurement, Hotel Bula Vinaka Beachside, Pogo-Pogo. Ooh-ahah is sitting in the Royal Box between two Japanese women. The other chefs in the Royal Box are playing rock-paper- scissors.]

Fukui: "In the Royal Box today we have the challenger's boss and a few other chefs from the Bula Vinaka Beachside."

Fukui: "What's that the challenger is rolling the liver in?"

Hattori: "Cornstarch."

Ohta: "Fukui-san?"

Fukui: "Lay it on me!"

Ohta: "It is cornstarch. Back to you."

Ishihara: "OoooOOOOoooh!"

Fujitani: "AaaaAAAAaaahh!"

Fukui: "Good call, Doc!"

Hattori [sotto voce]: "I'm surrounded by idiots."

[Morimoto fires up a bone saw and goes to work on the head]

Hattori: "Check out the Iron Chef."

Fukui: "Virtuoso bone saw work there."

Hattori: "I'm guessing he'll make a dip out of the brains, probably as an hors d'oeurve."

Fujitani: "Or maybe an appetizer." *nyuk-nyuk*

Ishihara: "I think it's something to be eaten before the main course."


[Sounds of tearing cloth and furniture being bashed around]

Hattori [basso profundo, very loud]: "Puny humans! Behold the power of my intellect and know fear! Truly you are too stupid to live!"

Fukui: "Sounds like somebody undermedicated this morning. Thorazine Big Gulp?"

Hattori: "Mmmmm." *slurp slurp* "Thanks, I feel much better now."

[Morimoto is now working with a scalpel to cut circular pieces of skin, which he folds around wooden blocks and drops into a pan with peanut oil]

Fukui: "And the Iron Chef has moved on from his forensic neurosurgery to... well, you tell me, Doc."

Hattori: "Well, it puts its skin in the oil, or else it gets the hose again?"

Fukui: "Doc, it looks like the challenger is preparing a dish that looks very much like Unigi-chazuke, which Morimoto prepared in Battle Eel."

Hattori: "Fascinating. The challenger is preparing Unigi-chazuke which is, as you say, an eel dish, but with long pig loin instead."

Ishihara: "If that is an eel dish, then that's the smallest eel I've ever seen."

[Fujitani whispers something to Ishihara and giggles]

Ishihara: "Oh. Oh, that is unfortunate."

Ohta: "Fukui-san?"

Fukui: "Gimme the bullet!"

Ohta: "The challenger says he is making this dish as a tribute to the Iron Chef, and that he will be serving it over a bed of squid ink pasta with Fujijama oysters on the side. Back to you because my groin is starting to hurt. I don't know why."

Hattori: "Fujijama oysters are quite rare. Similar to Rocky Mountain Oysters like you'd find in America, but smaller."

Ishihara: "Somehow that sounds like the perfect accompaniment."

[Fujitani whispers something else to Ishihara and giggles]

Ishihara: "Oh. Oh, that is very unfortunate."

Fukui: "And I'm sure it will meet with his boss's approval."

[Medium shot of Ooh-ahah and the chef who won rock-paper-scissors in the Royal Box, semi-reclined and picking their teeth. The chairs next to them are empty.]

Fukui: "Meanwhile, over on the Iron Chef's side... what is he doing with that blowtorch?"

Hattori: "I'm guessing that Morimoto is searing the Long Pig filets in preparation for grilling, or maybe frying?"

Ohta: "Fukui-san?"

Fukui: "Yes, fill 'er up, go ahead!"

Ohta: "The Iron Chef says that he is preparing Long Pig sashimi-style, and the torching tames the heavy gamey flavor that this particular cut can have."

Fukui: "Oooh, Doc, caught you leaning the wrong way on that one. Maybe for the first time in recorded history."

Hattori: "I am shamed and dishonored."

Fukui: "Shake it off, there's still a lot of cooking to go."

Iron Chef Logo: "Whoosh!"


Iron Chef Logo: "Whoosh!"

Hattori: "I am shamed and dishonored."

Fukui: "Shake it off, there's still a lot of cooking to go."

Ishihara: "Is the Iron Chef making noodles over there?"

Hattori: "I will stake the honor of my family and its generations yet unborn that he is making some kind of cracker to be served with the dip."

Ohta: "Fukui-san?"

Fukui: "Enlighten us, oh profound round mound of sound!"

Ohta: "In the Iron Chef's bowl right now he has strong flour, weak flour, long pig marrow, butter, salt, sugar, and dried seaweed. He says it's a futuristic cracker to be served with the dip he's making."

Fukui: "Way to get back in the saddle, Doc!"

Hattori: "May my ancestors forgive me for doing this battle."

Ohta: "Fukui-san?"

Fukui: "Sock it to me, Ohta!"

Ohta: "In the Iron Chef's front end loader right now is natto, burdock, Wakame seaweed, sauerkraut, wasabe, Tabasco, garlic, shallots, ginger, Chinese rice wine, cumen, feta and limburger cheeses, anchovys, hot bean sauce, crab brains, nuoc mam, kimchee, currypowderlatexcaulkWD40toejambatteryacidmotoroilandlibrarypaste," [gasp] "and he says that" [gasp] "it will be the sauce for the sashimi dish." [gasp] "Back to you so I can find my oxygen tank."

Fujitani: "Wow!"

Ishihara: "Natto? Why is he using natto?"

Hattori: "Natto matches well with battery acid. Check out the challenger now."

[Bingbang removes the ribs from the marinade, puts them in the oven, then begins drinking the marinade]

Ishihara: "Is he drinking the marinade?"

Hattori: "It's a traditional Pogo-Pogoese victory celebration."

[As the crowd in the Royal Box goes wild]

Fukui: "Isn't that a little premature? I mean, there's still--"

Tokyo Rose: "You now have two minutes to reach minimum safe distance."

Ohta: "Fukui-san?"

Fukui: "What you got, bee-atch?"

Ohta: "The challenger is grilling the ribs with parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme, and Fukui-san?"

Fukui: "Um, you're still talking."

Ohta: "Oh... and speaking of marinades, I asked the challenger if he used Chianti in the marinade for the liver, and he said that the liver already appeared to be heavily marinated before he got it, so he just had to tune the flavor a little bit with sake."

Fukui: "Thanks, Ohta, as it looks--"

Ohta: "Fukui-san?"

Fukui: "Oh God, now what?"

Ohta: "Um, never mind."

Fukui: "There's not enough time to grill those ribs, and they aren't meant to be eaten raw, are they?"

Hattori: "He must plan on finishing them at serving."

Tokyo Rose: "Thirty seconds remaining. Shot clock is off."

Fukui: "Both chefs are scrambling now to provide finishing touches in the final thirty seconds! The challenger is counting up dishes now, he appears to be done, and the Iron Chef is dumping his sauce load right down the middle of his sashimi tacos and garnishing each one with a single pearl onion on top!"

Tokyo Rose: "Ten seconds remaining... five seconds... ignition... three... main engine start... one..."

Gong of Fate: "GONG!"

Fukui: "That's it! Time's up, pencils down. The Long Pig battle is OVA!"

Ohta [with Bingbang]: "Bingbang-san, how do your dishes turn out?"

Bingbang: "Well... an hour is not really enough time. There was so much more I wanted to do. I did my best."

Ohta: "How do you feel about your chances?"

Bingbang: "I don't have a chance."

Ohta: "You don't have a chance?"

Bingbang: "Well, maybe I have a chance."

Ohta: "You think you have a chance?"

Bingbang: "I think I won."

Ohta: "You think you won?"

Bingbang: "Yes. Definitely I won."

[Cut to Ohta with Morimoto]

Ohta: "How'd it go?"

Morimoto: "I've worked with some weird stuff in my time, but I can honestly say that I've never dealt with anything like that before."

Ohta: "This from a man who's combined natto with Coke. How'd your dishes turn out?"

Morimoto: "I did my best."

Ohta: "And the verdict?"

Morimoto: "A win would be nice."

----- The Dishes -----

Fukui: "Challenger Pingpangwallawalla Bingbang presents four dishes to the panel:

"First, Mageiritsa Long Pig. Head, heart, lungs, liver, and intestines were boiled to make the broth for this delicate soup, also flavored with spring onions and dill. The egg-lemon sauce served in the soup provides a splendid counterpoint.

"Next, braised Long Pig liver. This is a dish that counts. The liver was marinated in top grade sake, then braised in olive oil, and it dances in harmony with fava beans served on the side.

"Third, Unigi-chazuke Long Pig. A variation of an eel dish once prepared by Morimoto. The presentation is all-important here; it's vital that the long pig loin be as straight as possible, or the dish just doesn't stand up.

"Finally, lean spare ribs, Bowery style. Another tribute to Morimoto's New York connection. The unique marinade is a mixture of Thunderbird and MD 20-20, with Sterno added to provide texture and body.

"Iron Chef Morimoto counters with four dishes of his own:

"First, Long Pig brain dip with marrow and seaweed crackers. The green of the crackers adds color to what might otherwise have been a rather gray dish.

"Second, Long Pig taco. Loin prepared sashimi style, folded in Long Pig Skin. The natto-based sauce is pungent, yet delicate, and it draws the taster into the mysteries of the dish. A work of art for its body and depth.

"Next, niku-jaga Long Pig. 'Ofukuro-no-Aji'--'the taste of Mom'--is seen throughout this dish, with Long Pig breast meat sauteed in onions and then stewed with potatoes.

"Lastly, Long Pig ice cream. The Iron Chef done smoked himself dain-bramaged, making a luxurious ice cream using Long Pig like cod soft roe. Ladyfingers serve as an accompaniment to draw out the natural essence of the ice cream."

Iron Chef Logo: "Whoosh!"


Iron Chef Logo: "Whoosh!"

Fukui: "Chairman Kaga, wanting to push the culinary envelope ever farther, ventured to the far corners of the earth to find challenger Pingpangwallawalla Bingbang. Bingbang saluted New York, errrr, Philadelphia, by challenging Iron Chef Japanese Morimoto. Chairman Kaga unveiled a theme ingredient of Long Pig, throwing the advantage to the challenger. Bingbang's theme was 'To Serve Man,' getting to the heart of the matter with four dishes; Morimoto's theme was 'I Am Woman,' and we heard him roar with four.

"And now, the moment of truth; tasting and judgement. On the panel today are: Lower House Member Shinichiro Kurimoto, actress Miwako Fujitani, actor Yoshizumi Ishihara, and East German food critic Frau Asako Von Kishi. First, the dishes of Challenger Bingbang."

[Inset picture: Mageiritsa long pig]

Shinichiro Kurimoto: "It took a lot of guts to make a soup like this."

Bingbang: "All of them, yes."

[Kurimoto looks puzzled]

Frau Asako Von Kishi: "This soup reminds me of a dish that I had when I was a child."

Bingbang: "Oh, you're from Pogo-Pogo?"

[Inset picture: braised long pig liver]

Kurimoto: "The fava beans were a curious choice, but they match well."

Bingbang: "A tribute to one of my culinary influences."

[Inset picture: unigi-chazuke long pig]

Ishihara: "I hear this dish talking to me."

Kaga: "What's it say?"


[All but Kurimoto laugh. Kurimoto still looks puzzled.]

Fujitani: "I would expect this dish to wobble in my mouth, but after I held it in my mouth for awhile in my mouth, it stood up straight and just exploded in my mouth." *hee-haw*

Bingbang: "I bet it did."

Von Kishi: "I just want to tear into these oysters!"

[Ishihara and Bingbang grimace and bend forward slightly. Kurimoto continues to look puzzled.]

Ishihara [to Fujitani]: "Perhaps we could go back to Kitchen Stadium afterwards and I could show you my unigi-chazuke..."

[Fujitani does a spit take]

Von Kishi: "I'd like that."

[Fujitani's spit take is upgraded to a full-body snarf. Ishihara looks at Von Kishi with horror.]

Von Kishi [realizing her mistake]: "I mean, I like this dish. Yes. This dish. Yes."

[Inset picture: lean spare ribs, Bowery style]

Fukui: "Challenger Bingbang finishes the spare ribs at table by grilling them over a trash can fire for that unique authentic flavor."

Kurimoto: "This dish has a very thick flavor, and it's just perfect for this point in the meal. It just sticks right with you."

Bingbang: "That would be the Sterno."

Fujitani: "Using too much would be too much, but enough is just right."

Fukui: "And now, the dishes of Iron Chef Morimoto. First, the Long Pig brain dip with marrow and seaweed crackers."

[Inset picture: Long Pig brain dip with marrow and seaweed crackers]

Kurimoto [takes a bite and immediately starts retching]: "AAAAAUUUUUGGGGH! Long Pig is people! Long Pig is people!"

Morimoto: "I'm sorry. I thought as a politician, you would be accustomed to dishes like this."

[Kurimoto collapses to the floor and is discreetly hauled away by the waiters]

[Inset picture: Long Pig sashimi taco]

Morimoto: "In New York, where I cook, errr, used to cook, this is a great delicacy, especially among men, and ten percent of women."

Ishihara: "This dish has a base, almost primal feel. It just makes you want to plow right into it, and then go to sleep after finishing."

Von Kishi: "There's something about this dish, but I can't quite put my finger in it..."

Kaga: If Keiko Saito were here--"

Bingbang, Fukui, Hattori, Ishihara, Kaga, Morimoto, Ohta: "Mmmmmmmmmm, Keiko Saito."

Kaga: "--she'd say, 'Oh, loosen up, you old relic. I think it's fabulous.'"

[All laugh]

Fujitani: "I didn't want to try it, but Von Kishi talked me into it, and now I reeeeeally like it. It's so fluffy and gentle." *titter*

Ishihara: "I'm glad you like it. Perhaps we could share some sometime?"

Fujitani: "If you hit on me again, I'll stake your bow tie to the table with my fork. From behind." *giggle*

[Inset picture: niku-jaga long pig]

Von Kishi: "This dish also reminds me of when I was a little girl."

Morimoto: "What kind of whacked-out childhood did you have?"

[Inset picture: long pig ice cream]

Von Kishi: "I'm puzzled by this dish; I didn't think mammals had roe, and I'm quite sure ladyfingers aren't supposed to be crunchy."

Ishihara: "What? You mean these aren't buffalo wings?"

Von Kishi: "Hattori was right--you are an idiot!"

[Tasters fill out their ballots]

Fukui: "One of these chefs will fly on the wings of victory, but which one? The verdict when we return."

Iron Chef Logo: "Whoosh!"


Iron Chef logo: "Whoosh!"

----- Judgement -----

[Kaga leads the tasters to the dais, then approaches the podium]

Kaga: "Well, I'm disappointed. I go to the butt-end of the earth to find somebody who says they can cook me something I haven't seen before, and what do I get? Innards soup, liver, and spare ribs! This is Tokyo, for crying out loud--like there aren't fifty places between here and my castle that I can get all that now! At least he didn't bust open a case of caviar like Chen always does. Anyway, the rules say one of them has to win. Now, the verdict."

Fukui: "Chairman Kaga really pulls out all the stops, by bringing in a chef with a style never before seen in Kitchen Stadium, and... oh, hell. I give up. Who takes it? Whose cuisine reigns supreme?"

Kaga: "Challenger Bingbang Pingpangwalawala!"

Fukui: "It's the challenger!"

[Bingbang and Morimoto bow and shake hands]

Fukui: "Pingpangwallawalla Bingbang has defeated Iron Chef Morimoto, and you can see the relief on his face after winning this hard-fought battle! The strangeness of the theme ingredient was too much for the Iron Chef to overcome! Now let's check the scores:"

[Scoring:   Kurimoto  Fujitani  Ishihara  Von Kishi  Total
Challenger     X        19         19        17       55
Iron Chef      X        18         17        19       54]

Fukui: "Fujitani 19-18 for the challenger, Ishihara 19-17 for the challenger, and Von Kishi 19-17 for Iron Chef Morimoto, as usual, and we expect her to start just mailing them in any day now. Challenger Pingpangwallawalla Bingbang by two judges to one in a very close battle. Regrettably, Kurimoto-san took ill during the tasting, or the outcome might well have been different. "

Ohta: "Congratulations, Bingbang-san. How do you feel?"

Bingbang: "Thank you, I did my best. There are so many possibilities with the ingredient, I almost couldn't decide which way to go."

Ohta: "Were you confident?"

Bingbang: "The Iron Chef's dishes were very creative. I was concerned there."

Ohta: "Any one dish in particular?"

Bingbang: "Welllll, the Long Pig brain dip was absolutely inspired. That's one I'll have to take home."

Ohta: "Thank you, and congratulations again." [Turns to Morimoto] "Tough loss today."

Morimoto: "Yes."

Ohta: "What do you think happened?"

Morimoto: "Well, I didn't expect Kurimoto-san to react as he did--I mean, most politicians would eat their own young if they thought they could get a vote out of it. And I knew Von Kishi-san would like the sashimi taco, even before she herself did, but Fujitani-san's reaction surprised me, and I'd like to ask her--hey! Look at the cleaver Bingbang's holding. I've never seen a cleaver that big. And why is he looking at me like that?"

[Roll credits]

If you liked that, there are more lame attempts at humor and blindingly obvious insights available on my blog. Some of my other writing stuff is here or here.