April 17, 2007

Mebbe I Can't Has Cheezburger, But I Has Own Blog...

An offhand reference at MGoBlog a couple of weeks ago pointed me to icanhascheezburger.com, a site for animal pictures (mostly cats) with funny captions (mostly written in some mutant form of MMORPG/IM-speak). Most of them are pretty funny, some are hilarious, and some just absolutely kill me (especially the ongoing saga of the bucket (work bottom-to-top and back-to-front to get the whole story)). The site lets you submit your own 'lolcats' pictures, and even gives you a quick HOWTO do your own.

Naturally, I've done a few, and although none got selected for publication at ICHC, one of the perks of having a blog is that you don't really have to accept rejection. Pix after the break (and when you're done here, go look at Chess's).

No animals were harmed in the making of this loldog:

One of the recurring terms at ICHC is 'harbls,' which means 'balls' or 'hairy balls.'

Posted by Chris at 06:01 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

December 08, 2006

The Law Of Unintended Consequences Strikes Again

Dude is engaged. Dude doesn't want Chick to know he's traipsing around on Swinging websites, so he specifies 'Never save passwords on this site' when Firefox asks him at login.

Chick uses same computer later. Chick originally specifies 'Don't save this password' when logging in to a (presumably non-sleazy) website, but changes her mind and goes into Password Manager to fix it.

Chick sees Dude's 'Never Save Password' site list.

Chick and Dude are no longer engaged.

The best part of this story? How I heard about it: from a Mozilla bug report!

This privacy flaw has caused my fiancé and I to break-up after having dated for 5 years.

Basically, we share one computer but under separate Windows XP user accounts. We both use Mozilla Firefox -- well, he used to use it more than I do but now we don't really use it. The privacy flaw is this: when he went to log-in under his dating sites (jdate.com, swinglifestyle.com, adultfriendfinder.com, etc.), Mozilla promptly asks whether or not he'd like Firefox to save the passwords for him. He chose never, obviously. However, when he logged off his user account, and I logged onto my Windows XP account X amount of days later . . . Firefox prompted whether or not I'd like it to save my password for logging into my website. I chose never and changed my mind. I went into the Password Manager to change the saved password option from Never to Always and that's when I saw all these other sites that had been selected as "Never Save Password." Of course, those were sites I had never visited or could ever dream of visiting.

Then I realized who, how and what... and sh*t hit the fan. Your browser does not efficiently respect the privacy of different users for one system.

Here's the head-scratcher from my perspective: the woman wrote a bug report on the 'feature' that allowed her to determine her betrothed was a sleazebag BEFORE marrying him (as an aside, the comment thread on the bug report is pretty damn funny too), on the grounds that it failed to maintain his privacy.

I wonder if Dude has any idea what he just lost.

[H/T comp.risks]

Posted by Chris at 05:12 PM | Comments (2)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

December 06, 2006

Potential Career-Limiting Move Narrowly Averted

A friend of mine subscribes to email updates on news stories/sports/weather/et cetera from a local TV station. At the end of one of those emails a couple of weeks ago was what I can only call the most charming cut-n-paste-o I've seen in a long time. I've changed identifying details but the rest is verbatim:

Nice article [deleted]! I will say that I have been in the business since Lastname was [a young age], and I have never met a person that has as much class and honesty as Firstname. In this day and age it's difficult to find many people who are as dedicated to honing their craft and getting each story correct like Firstname does. He is also one of the most humble and down to earth people you will ever meet. In other words a gentleman in the true sense of the word!

Posted by Chris at 06:16 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Local Stuff

November 09, 2006

I Have To Laugh About This, Because If I Don't, I'll Cry.

Meta-explanation here. [H/T Boing Boing]

Posted by Chris at 08:50 PM | Comments (4)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

August 23, 2006

South Park 2, $cientology 0

Paramount Pictures drops Tom Cruise because he's nuttier than a PayDay bar (which puts him squarely in the fat part of the sanity curve when compared to all committed $cientologists). In a totally-unrelated story, Paramount Pictures signs South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone to a two-picture deal in spite of their attack on $cientology.



Posted by Chris at 05:11 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

May 17, 2006

Classification Levels You Aren't Even Cleared To Know About

Anybody who works with classified documents knows that there are cover sheets for those documents which serve (as far as I can tell) two purposes. First, the obvious one of protecting the front page of the document from being exposed 'to the elements.' Also, since they usually have a bright color and fairly bold pattern, they serve as a visual reminder not to leave them just laying around.

What I never knew is that there's more to the classification scheme than just 'Confidential,' 'Secret,' and 'Top Secret.' Much more.

Stupid - this is a cover sheet for asinine information / All individuals handling this information are required to protect it from any disclosure whatsoever in the interest of our professional credibility

Confusing - this is a cover sheet for ambiguous information / All individuals handling this information are required to disregard all logic and common sense.  Failure to do so may result in severe migraines or an attack of conscience.

Futile - This is a cover sheet for useless information / All individuals handling this information are required to disregard it as rapidly as possible in the interest of saving time and effort

Ludicrous - this is a cover sheet for preposterous information / All individuals handling this information are required to disregard all logic and common sense.  Failure to do so may result in the collapse of reality as we know it.

Pathetic - this is a cover sheet for pitiable information / All individuals handling this information are required to maintain a straight face while stressing its importance to the future of the operation.  At no time should common sense or critical thinking be applied to this information, as the resulting reaction could devastate the origininating official's ego.

Bullshit - this is a cover sheet for bullshit information / All individuals handling this information are required to wash their hands before serving food products or shaking hands with any other individuals not authorized to handle or disseminate bullshit.

[H/T Jim from work, who got it in email from I know not whom]

Posted by Chris at 07:15 AM | Comments (1)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

May 01, 2006

Personally, I Thought It Looked More Like A Pollock Than A Nay

What is it with Germans and art, anyway?

Art expert fooled by chimp painting (and if there were ever an ironclad case for the use of scare quotes, 'expert' would certainly apply):

Dr Katja Schneider, director of the State Art Museum in Moritzburg, Saxony-Anhalt, suggested the painting was by Guggenheim Prize winning artist Ernst Wilhelm Nay.

Dr Schneider said: "It looks like an Ernst Wilhelm Nay. He was famous for using such blotches of colour."

But in reality, the painting was made by female chimpanzee Banghi, from Halle Zoo.

I especially like how Schneider backpedaled when she was told, "And now yoo are having been punk-ed, ja?"

After the real artist was revealed by the Bild newspaper, Dr Schneider said: "I did think it looked a bit rushed."

Perhaps I'm being too hard on Frau Schneider. If an art expert can't tell the difference between the product of a Guggenheim-winning artist and that of a chimp, does that tell us more about the expert or the artist?


Posted by Chris at 10:06 AM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

March 31, 2006

Boss, Can We Hold The Team Meeting At The Park Today?

When I worked at McDonnell Douglas in the late '80s, there were these two married engineers - let's call them 'Cliff' and 'Karen' - who would 'sneak' out to Cliff's van just about every day at lunch hour for a nooner. It was pretty much an open secret among the group.

Sorry, I forgot to mention that they weren't actually married to each other.

It's a good thing they didn't go to a park for their trysts, because somebody would eventually have planned a group outing, like this one in Japan:

It's a tradition for Japanese to gather under the cherry blossoms [when they are in bloom, like they are at this time of year] and sing, dance and otherwise make merry.

. . .

"Our company maintains a strict ban on workplace fraternization between the sexes. One day, the boss suddenly upped and offered to take us all out flower-viewing. We'd all taken a toast when the boss said, 'Now I'll show you the real reason for why I brought you all here today,' and pointed off toward a secluded corner of the park. When I took a really good look, I realized the boss was pointing at one of my co-workers, who was having his own private hanami with one of the girls from the office. The boss turned back to us and said: 'That pair have broken company rules and I wanted you lot to be here to witness it all,'" a retail company worker tells Shukan Post. "The boss was really pleased with himself and got stuck right into the booze. He eventually went over and caught the young lovers 'red-handed.' The girl was eventually transferred off to the boondocks and the relationship was over."

Posted by Chris at 03:13 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

February 15, 2006

I Reckon The Senator Is Counseling The Vice President Right Now...

I know I'm late to this Cheney shooting thing, but I've been busy. Anyway, a caller to Bob & Tom on Monday (maybe it was an email; I forget) had this contribution:

I think I'll have a bumper sticker made:


Incidentally, I think we now have the reason Cheney got five draft deferments during Vietnam - he would have been a danger to his fellow soldiers!


Posted by Chris at 08:33 AM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

January 13, 2006

Greatest. Blonde. Joke. Ever.

Courtesy of doubleplusgood infotainment.
Posted by Chris at 05:03 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

December 16, 2005

Nice, But My Budget Still Hasn't Recovered From The 3 Tera-BTU Garage Heater

My driveway is two cars wide and not quite three cars long. Fort Wayne gets about 30" of snow - total - a year. Can I still buy one of these V8-powered snowblowers?

my next snowblower

Much more info here. Now please excuse me while I go wipe drool off my chin.

Posted by Chris at 06:40 PM | Comments (3)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

July 22, 2005

Hitler[AoE]: wtf Normandy?!?!?!!111?!1/??/11one

Random Nuclear Strikes pointed me to If WWII Was an RTS. Freakin' hilarious. Highlights:

T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*


*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!

But this one was my favorite:

*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

Posted by Chris at 05:03 PM | Comments (3)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

July 21, 2005

I Reckon He Got Gang Tackled A Lot, Too

Heard on Bob & Tom yesterday:

"The NFL training season's opening. The Ravens' Jamal Lewis will have some adjustments to make. During the last few months, if he tried to break to the outside, a guard would shoot him."

If you don't get it, read this.

Posted by Chris at 10:33 AM | Comments (1)
Category: Sports

March 10, 2005

Boeing Makes Air France An Offer It Can't Refuse...

...Air France surrenders:

luchtzak writes "Air France recently ordered four additional Boeing 777-300ERs through options it held from an existing contract.

. . .

"The 777's world-famous comfort, range and flexibility make it ideally suited for leisure routes like Paris to Reunion , Pointe-a-Pitre and Fort de France," said Marlin Dailey, vice president of Sales for Europe and Central Asia, Boeing Commercial Airplanes [emphasis added]. "We are very pleased that Air France has again chosen the 777-300ER, based on the successful in-service experience they've had with their first 777-300ERs."
No reports as to whether Dailey prefaced his remarks by saying "Nice city you got here. Lots of art, that Tower thing. Be a shame if something... happened... to it..."

"The 777-300ER has been a more efficient replacement for the previous airplanes on our routes and has significantly reduced community noise," said Patrick Alexandre, executive vice president of Commercial and International Networks for Air France . "It has proven itself in our fleet as a passenger-pleasing moneymaker on other routes like Paris to Tokyo . We are certain that its comfortable interior, together with the in-flight entertainment features and superior Air France service, will improve the flying experience for our customers going to the Caribbean and Indian Ocean locales."
No reports as to whether Alexandre concluded his remarks by saying "Please don't destroy Paris."

This cracks me up. No matter how much Airbus is propped up by the EU, Boeing just ate its lunch.

[Brief pause while I look up just how many US airlines bought Airbus planes... hmm, more than I'd hoped.] Um, never mind.

It's still funny, though.

Posted by Chris at 06:12 PM | Comments (1)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

February 03, 2005

And Then I'd Want An Inflatable Taxi Cab

Watching little kids play soccer is tedious and thirsty work. I wish I'd had one of these when my son was a young soccer player:
An inflatable pub!  Why didn't I think of that?

Posted by Chris at 01:31 PM | Comments (3)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

January 19, 2005

Life Imitates My Opinion

So what do you do if you're a garbageman and you see this on a public plaza?

Art or Trash?

Yeah, I'd throw it in the back of the truck too. Unfortunately, that's the incorrect answer, and some sanitation workers in Frankfurt, Germany, have to take art appreciation classes because they did the same thing:

To the dustmen of Frankfurt, they were a mess that needed to be cleared from the streets of their spotless city. The yellow plastic sheets were swiftly scooped up, crushed and burned.

But the diligence of the rubbish collectors was little consolation to the city's prestigious art academy, which is now ruing the loss of an important work. [?!?!? - ed.]

Unknown to the binmen, the sheets were part of a city-wide exhibition of modern sculpture by Michael Beutler, a graduate of Frankfurt's Städel art school.

[Anyone? Anyone? Beutler? -ed.]

Thirty of the dustmen are now being sent to modern art classes to try to ensure that the same mistake never happens again.

. . .

The monthly "Check Your Art Sense" lessons, which start on Sunday, will involve the dustmen being shown two pictures: one from the museum's permanent exhibition and another lesser-known work from the archive. Then they will be asked to discuss the differences between them.
I can picture the class discussion already...

Dieter: Now who can tell me ze difference between zese two pieces?
Hans: Ja, I know zis. Ze vun on ze left vuld fit in vun standard veeled bin; ze uzer vuld need a #3 Dumpster.

Posted by Chris at 02:20 PM | Comments (2)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

If LotR Planned The Attack On Mordor The Same Way Software Is Developed...

...feature creep would have ensured that they never left Rivendell! [hat tip: Gerard Vanderleun]

Posted by Chris at 11:10 AM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

September 30, 2004

I Guess He Didn't Throw His Band-Aids Over The Fence

We have a Red Cross blood drive coming up here at the Imperialist-Capitalist-Running-Pig-Dog-Military-Industrial-Complex, so there are flyers all over the building. One of them has a picture of a Band-Aid with the caption "Wear It Like A Badge Of Honor."

Underneath it, someone wrote "Kerry did."

Posted by Chris at 07:11 AM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

August 03, 2004

How Are We Supposed To Take Your Coup Seriously If You Use 'VW' As A Code Name?

So these Milosevic-wannabes in South Africa are on trial for their alleged ethnic cleansing scheme, but I don't know how much terror they would have generated using code names like 'Rottweiler,' 'Motherfucker,' and 'KGB.' IOL has the story:

There was laughter in the Pretoria High Court on Tuesday when "Rottweiler" and "KGB" emerged as some of the noms de guerre assumed by the alleged Boeremag coup plotters.

One called himself "Motherf***er" and another "Volla" (an endearing term for a Volkswagen), accused-turned-state-witness Henk van Zyl told the court. His own war name was "Bittereinder" (a diehard).

Van Zyl's evidence elicited chuckles from members of the public, police guards, from the bench and even some of the accused.

Judge Eben Jordaan jokingly pressed Van Zyl for more names, but he could not remember any.
They should have used the Mob Name Generator. Nobody laughs at a Mob name. Well, at least not more than once. The Mannequin said so.

More name generators than you thought possibly could exist can be found here. Enjoy.

Posted by Chris at 03:36 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

July 30, 2004

Strange Bedfellows

I guess Islam and Creationist Christianity have more in common than they think - for instance, archaeology is trumped by dogma:

If people in Adams(pbuh) time were 60+ ft tall, how come we never find any remains close to that tall.

The oldest human remains found are 20000 years old, they are relitively the same size. When find dinosaur bone which are far far older than humans
The rest of the question was deleted by the Imam, which, incidentally, reveals another commonality between the two religions - neither deals with dinosaurs very well.

Anyway, the Imam had this to say in response:

Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) said that 'Aadam (Alayhis salaam) was 30 Ziraa tall.'

Ziraa is a measurement and one Ziraa is approximately half metre. The Hadith is authentic and that is siffucient for us. Scientific and archeological evidences are subordinate to Hadith.
Another article of faith the Young-Earthers would have no trouble getting behind is the Noachine flood:
Does it say in the holy Quran whether the flood that affected Noah and his family was a worldwide or local one? Did it affect the whole world or only the village where Nuh(as) and his family lived.

1. The floods encompassed the whole world. (Tafseer Mazhari vol.6 pg.40)
2. Allah Ta'ala ordered Nooh to take onto the ship those useful to man. Nooh (Alayhis salaam) excluded animals which live in water and earthly creatures. (Bayaanul Qur'aan vol.1 pg.47; Hashiyatul Jamal; Tafseer Baghawi vol.2 pg.34). The first to enter was a parrot and the last was a donkey.
Actually, it can be said that Islam has issues with science in general, because there's a serious chicken-and-egg problem inherent in believing that things in the universe rotate the way they do because worshipers of the Ka'aba walk around it in a counter-clockwise fashion:
On examination, it will be found that the entire universe which is in constant circular or elliptical rotation, is in actual fact moving in the pattern as the Tawaf [ritual circumambulation of the Ka'aba by pilgrims]. The electrons of an atom revolve around its nucleus in the same manner as making Tawaf, in an anti-clockwise direction. The ovum, prior to fertilisation actually taking place, surrounded by sperms, turns remarkably in anti-clockwise direction, thereby resembling the Tawaf. Considering the globe as a whole, it could be found that the earth has two movements. It rotates on its own axis in 24 hours causing day and night. The various seasons of the year are due to the earth's simultaneous revolution around the sun in 365 days. It is really astonishing to note that the earth, in both these movements, rotates anti-clockwise. The entire universe from the atom to the galaxies is in constant circular rotation like a circumambulator who encircles the Kaaba in the anti-clockwise direction. All objects in the universe, atoms, moon, stars, electrical current, galaxies, etc. are rotating in the same way. Moreover, the angles encircle the heavenly Baitul Ma'mur in an ever-lasting Tawaf. In the same way, the Kaaba in Makkah is never free from circumbulators. "Know that the world has come to an end when no soul will circlembulate the holy Kaaba."
Well, sure, everything in nature rotates in a counter-clockwise fashion - IF YOU LOOK AT IT FROM THE RIGHT DIRECTION! I can just as easily say that everything rotates in a clockwise fashion, too!

Speaking of chicken-and-egg problems, it's also an article of faith that Adam and Abraham prayed facing Mecca thousands of years before Mecca existed!

Which Qibla did Adam(AS) and Ibrahim(AS) face while praying when, I think, Al-Aqsa Mosque was not built at that time? Why did Qibla was changed from Bait-ulMaqhis to Kaaba?

The Qiblah of Aadam (Alayhis salaam) and Ebrahim (Alayhis salaam) was the Ka’abah in Makkah Mukarramah. Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) faced Baytul Maqdis with the order of Alah and turned towards the Ka’abah also with the order of Allah.

Posted by Chris at 09:26 AM | Comments (2)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

July 03, 2004

I Personally Would Have Riffed Off Of 'Upper Class Twit Of The Year'

American Digest has a superb interpretation of JF'inK's Veepstakes, applying one of my all-time favorite Monty Python sketches, How Not To Be Seen:

Voice Over: In this picture we cannot see MR. AL SHARPTON of Hustlerville on the Hudson. Mr. Sharpton is a professional buffoon with a haircut that is suspected of being an alien life form. Mr. Sharpton has never been elected but often indicted. He too wants to be President of the United States or at least collect a lot of money for pretending. Mr. Sharpton will you stand up please?

To the right of the area Mr. Sharpton stands up. A gunshot rings out, and Mr. Sharpton leaps into the air, and falls to the ground and begins to prattle on various talk shows.

Posted by Chris at 08:02 PM | Comments (1)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

May 21, 2004

How To Prepare For A Deployment To Iraq

I have tremendous respect for our fighting men and women, particularly in Iraq, where they are doing a superb job in awful conditions. I also have tremendous respect for the folks we send into the field to support our system.

Although the following list isn't the official way to prepare for a deployment to Iraq, one of our field engineers assures me that it's dead on target.

    How to properly prepare for a deployment to Iraq
  1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
  2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
  3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
  4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
  5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
  6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head. (OK, for those of you who don't get this one - the idea is to simulate the effects of nearby artillery And the outgoing is even louder then the incoming!)
  7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
  8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
  9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
  10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
  11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
  12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
  13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
  14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
  15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
  16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.
  17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
  18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
  19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
  20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
  21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
  22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.
  23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
  24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
  25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
  26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.
  27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
  28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
  29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
  30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
  31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a. m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.
  32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
  33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
  34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.
  35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.
  36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
  37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
  38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.
  39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.
  40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.

Posted by Chris at 03:38 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

April 01, 2004

Ask The Imam About Etymology

I think somebody was playing an April Fool's joke on Ask the Imam: Is it true that Tallahasse means "He Allah will deliver you sometime in the future?"

The Imam doesn't fall for it:

We do not know what the Tallahasse means.

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai
In case you're wondering, it means "old town."

Posted by Chris at 04:55 PM | Comments (1)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

March 26, 2004

Local6 Rocks!

I don't know if there's anything inherently weirder about Florida (a proposition argued by, among others, Dave Barry, Carl Hiaasen, and Tim Dorsey), but I get the best stories off the website of WKMG-TV in Orlando:

And that's just today!

Posted by Chris at 05:12 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

March 10, 2004

Keep Your Eyes On The Queen, Boys

I don't usually just quote someone else's blog without adding commentary of my own, but Feste has a real zinger that doesn't need any embellishment:

What a tough guy [Kerry], I'm so impressed with his gravitas. He can't run on his own record and the Dems haven't had a new idea in years...so all he has left is class warfare, 3-card Monty tax policy, and ad hominem attacks. Pity. We as a nation deserve better.

Posted by Chris at 09:44 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

March 04, 2004

The Law Of Unintended Consequences Strikes Again

So the treehuggers want to promote ecotourism for developing nations as an alternative to actual development. Sounds good, but did anybody ask the animals?

Something weird is happening in the wilderness. The animals are becoming restless. Polar bears and penguins, dolphins and dingoes, even birds in the rainforest are becoming stressed. They are losing weight, with some dying as a result. The cause is a pursuit intended to have the opposite effect: ecotourism.

The massive growth of the ecotourist industry has biologists worried. Evidence is growing that many animals do not react well to tourists in their backyard. The immediate effects can be subtle - changes to an animals' heart rate, physiology, stress hormone levels and social behaviour, for example - but in the long term the impact tourists are having could endanger the survival of the very wildlife they want to see.

Posted by Chris at 03:28 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

August 13, 2003

Strange Ad-fellows

I was doing some research for another entry when I stumbled across In These Times, a website containing "Independent News and Views" (where 'independent' is of course defined as 'leftist') with articles such as 'How To Sell A War,' 'Michael Moore Stars At The Academy Awards,' and 'Web of Lies' (three guesses what that one's about). No, I'm not linking to any of them; they'll have to get their Google score somewhere else. Anyway, I happened to notice this banner ad above the story I was reading:In These Times advertises conservative books!

Posted by Chris at 07:13 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

March 29, 2002

...And Then We're Going To Shoot Dice For His Clothes

I'm a casual--verrrry casual--Catholic. That is to say, I believe most of the doctrine but rarely go to Mass. Anyway, this is the tail end of Lent; this year, I gave up pop (except diet) and alcohol. For practical purposes, this means no Mountain Dew and no beer. Lent ends at midnight tonight (Good Friday), which conflicts with my neighborhood's normal beer-and-cards Fridays. I'm tired of taking crap from my neighbors for the past month and a half about not drinking, so I'm going to observe the Good Friday abstinence- (no meat) and fast- (one small meal, nothing else but fruit juice or milk) rules in the Jewish fashion, beginning at sundown Thursday and ending at sundown tonight, at which time my wife will prepare for me a shake comprising equal parts beer, Mountain Dew, and steak.

I'm explaining this to my friend Pete, and when I get to the part about "I'm going to celebrate Good Friday in the Jewish fashion..." he jumps in with "What, you're going to nail a guy to a cross?"

Posted by Chris at 03:40 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny

April 28, 2001

This Is What Happens When Your Voicemail System Runs On A See-N-Say

    You actually have to pick up a telephone to do this one:
  1. Call National Discount Brokers at 1-800-888-3999
  2. Listen to the all of the recorded options
  3. Pay attention to what option 7 is
  4. Hit 7

Spoiler: "To hear a duck quack, press 7." And it does! AFLAC is said to be considering legal action, contending that NDB is infringing on their Duck commercial. Of course, I'm the only one who's saying that.

Posted by Chris at 02:09 PM | Comments (0)
Category: Damn, That's Funny