Last updated: 7 Jun 03.

ListMy entryComments
Childhood Events That Would Scar You For LifeThat weekend at the Neverland Ranch(28) My highest item ever; God bless Michael Jackson!
Worst Wedding Song Selections50 Ways To Leave Your Lover(20) And most of them are actually usable AT the wedding!
Cool Things About Going To Clown CollegeYou carpool in a VW Bug with 27 other clowns(23) I was surprised by the huge response; I thought this item too blase.
Reasons Saddam Hussein Didn't Go To College In The U.S.Auburn wanted to redshirt him; U. of Tikrit promised he'd start as a freshman.(6) Nobody knew what 'Tikrit' meant until the Iraq war.
Famous Movie Lines Changed To Endorse ProductsThere can be only Pepsi One!(11) I was worried that the voters would miss the Highlander reference.
Things We Want To See Yoda Do/Say In Episode III"Making it up as he goes along, Lucas is."(15) A criticism often levied by fans of the series.
Best Ways To Annoy Your English TeacherSpeak to her only in Ebonics(15) This item did better than ones with other languages specified.
Worst Enemies To HaveDarth Vader(-2) Too obvious, I suppose. And he did come correct in the end...
Lesser Known Shades Of The Color RedDamn-I'm-getting-pulled-over-by-the-cops-with-a-beer-in-my-hand Red(0) Um, not that I'd know...
Ways To Get EvenDump itching powder on her tampons.(11) Here, honey, use this bottle brush!
Actual Star Wars Lines You Might Hear In A PornoLet's blow this thing so we can go home!(23) Maybe my favorite list ever. Many many superb items.
Bizarre Jobs You Might Have To Take If The Economy Still SucksGreeter at unemployment office(13) Inspired by Bob & Tom's "Hi, I'm Bob Dole. Welcome to Wal-Mart."
Signs The Company You Work For Is About To Go UnderYou catch your CEO orally servicing a venture capitalist(0) Didn't know at the time that this was supposed to be a PG-rated website. Obviously this one got past the filters.
Ways To Annoy The Religious RightDarwinfish emblem on your car(13) A much lower-rated item, "Darwin fish humping Jesus fish on the back of your car" was soooooo much better.
Ways To Complete "Men Are Like..."floor tile - lay them properly and you can walk all over them for years(4) Old joke. And I'm not too proud to use them, but...
Ways You Know It's Going To Be A Bad DayYou see your name in the Obituaries column of the paper(-5) ...that'll teach me to steal...
Ways You Know It's Going To Be A Bad DayYou wake up to find police have surrounded your house(-5) ...items off old lists
Things That Were/Are A Waste Of Time, Money & ThoughtThe Microsoft paperclip(6) Don't you just want to kill that thing?
Best Ways To Reject A Bad Pickup LineLet him buy you a beer, then dump it in his crotch.(5) Serves a dual purpose - rejects him AND marks him to warn others.
Indications You May Be From KansasYou think any body of water bigger than a farm pond is the ocean(-13) Y'see, people, Kansas isn't anywhere near any appreciable body of water... Sheesh.
Things You Wish Your Kid Didn't Overhear"Naw, baby, my wife doesn't suspect a thing." (11) Whoops!
Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent LossBlinded by camera flashes every time she bent over(20) My second list, and once again I didn't think this would be the leader.
Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent LossDislocated breast(18) This is the one I thought would do it.
Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent LossSlipped in puddle of ballboy's drool(18) And she isn't the same player when wearing galoshes.
Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent LossAced on match point while waving at Sergei Fedorov(5) Hey! Five voters got the reference!
Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent LossPartially blinded in freak mascara accident(5) No peripheral vision, no chance.
Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent LossDistracted during match by seeing herself in mirror(4) Not enough time to freshen up between sets.
Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent LossExhausted from late-night glam photo shoot(3)
Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent LossSprained eyelash(-3) C'mon! What's wrong with this one?
Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent LossBroke a nail(-4)
Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent LossBad calls; umpire and linesmen watched her instead of the ball.(-7)
Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent LossPonytail got wrapped around racket(-8)
Slogans That Insult A Rival UniversityHarvard - When You're Too Dumb For MIT And Too Rich For UMassMy first list; I never thought this one would be the list leader (20).
Slogans That Insult A Rival UniversityMichigan Tech - where the men are real men, and so are the women.Or that this one would be second (14). I've also heard Purdue insulted in this fashion.
Slogans That Insult A Rival UniversityU. Of Miami Football - 23 days since our last felony arrest!(13) Also applies to Nebraska or (gasp!) Notre Dame.
Slogans That Insult A Rival UniversityA Wolverine Is Just A Fat Weasel(7) This is the one I thought would lead the list. As far as I know, it's a parking_god original (I once had a bunch of bumper stickers made with this slogan and sold them at Michigan State games).
Slogans That Insult A Rival UniversityMichigan Basketball - finally under the salary cap!(6) Another parking_god original.
Slogans That Insult A Rival UniversityThe University Of Nebraska Cornholers(5) A nick like 'Cornhuskers' practically begs for this treatment.
Slogans That Insult A Rival UniversityThey call themselves Tarheels, but they really just stepped in dog crap.(4) Yet another parking_god original; I'm disappointed it didn't do better.
Slogans That Insult A Rival UniversityHappiness is crushed Buckeye nuts...(2) Round out my positive entries on this list with a U-M classic.
Slogans That Insult A Rival UniversityTrojans Pop Under Pressure(-4) Yawn.
Slogans That Insult A Rival UniversityF$U = Free $hoes University(-5) A little bit too obscure. Either that or lots of voters are Semen-hole fans. Hmm, maybe I should add that one...
Worst Confessions To Your Priest"Ever since I was a boy, I had this thing for older men..."(4) Sometimes the voters are in the mood for being creeped out...
Things Not To Say To Your Prom Date"Watch those hands, Dad."...and sometimes they're not (-4).
Reasons Why Actors Make Lousy Murderers"curtain call" = "returning to the scene of the crime"(-1) No curtain call required here.
Favorite PunsDeja moo - the feeling that you've heard this bull before(18) I detest puns in general, but I was unable to resist the temptation to include this one.
Signs That You're Addicted To Krispy Kreme DonutsYou have your paycheck direct-deposited there.(1) Regretted this one almost immediately; it's too generic.
Signs Your Furniture Is PossessedEvery night; you clean up the bloodstain; every morning, it reappears.(13) I meant to phrase it "bloodstains on the couch cushion"; the voters understood anyway.
Warning Signs It's Best Not To IgnoreDo not look into laser with remaining eye.(16) I used this in my .sig for years.
Cases On The Cartoon Court TVASPCA v. Granny for beating the crap out of Sylvester(5) The one I really wanted to do was "People v. Shaggy: Possession", but someone beat me to it.
Episodes For The New 'X Files Of Happy Days' ShowRichie's brother Chuck abducted by aliens(-3) I don't get it; Chuck was in a few early episodes but disappeared without a trace. I thought this was a perfect explanation.
Things Superman Does On A DateWhen he blows his load, it takes Lois Lane's head off.(-7) Got the idea from Larry Niven's Man Of Steel, Woman Of Kleenex; the voters either missed or dissed the reference.
Tips For Being A Better VillainDon't lock MacGyver in the tool shed.(11) Saw this somewhere on the net, on a list of (surprise) "Things I Will Do If I'm Ever A Super-Villain"
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery"[after closing] Aw crap, we've got parts left over."(3) Don't know what happened here--this was listed as an upcoming list, then it disappeared, then it showed up as the list of 8 April 2001.
Things You Wouldn't Want Your Boss To Overhear...and I host all the porn from here so there's no bandwidth costs!(26) My highest rated entry until the Neverland one.
Worst Possible Moments To FartTribal Council on 'Survivor'(-1) I thought of this after seeing the Survivor episode where Shawn farted constantly.
Worst Possible Moments To FartFinal decision time on 'ElimiDate'(-3) I figured this was essentially the same item. The voters didn't.
Words That Sound Fun When You Say ThemBangkok(18) Mmmmmmm... Bangkok.
Ways To Quiet Loud Co-WorkersRemote-control shock collarWhy is this at -7? What's wrong with it?
Things People Think They Do Better When They're DrunkAddd ietms two a Kepeers Lsit(18) I was worried someone would beat me to this, and Keepers meta-references traditionally don't do well. Shows how much I know.
Ways To Tell Your Wife You're GayI'm not going to the strip bar. Let's watch Lifetime instead.I thought this one was fab. The voters (-9!) did not concur.
Ways To Quiet Loud Co-WorkersA politely worded letter of complaint-wrapped around a brick thrown at them.(15) Brick themes work well for me.
Most Useless I got lynched.
Signs Your Girlfriend's Parents Don't Like YouA dot of red light appears on your chest as you approach their house.(11) "Keeping low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised."
Janet Reno - Florida Campaign SlogansReno For Governor - Let's Shake On ItParkinson's jokes don't go over well with the voters (-5).
Janet Reno - Florida Campaign SlogansJanet Reno - The Right Man For The JobThis one leads the list at 15; two similarly-worded ones are below zero. Go figure.
Janet Reno - Florida Campaign SlogansQuien es mas macho - Janet Reno o Jeb Bush?(4) Got "Quien Es Mas Macho" from SNL, I think.
Things Pigeons In New York City Are Thinking"So many targets, so little crap..."Unoriginal; I was punished roundly for it (-7). However...
"Cons" To Living UnderwaterMorning paper guaranteed to be a soggy mess....I thought this one was too mundane, but it worked (11).
Useful Phrases To Know In A Foreign LanguageI can lick my own eyebrows and breathe through my ears.Evidently the voters didn't understand (-12) that this means the speaker is ideally suited to perform, oh, never mind.
NRA Bumper StickersMy 'Eddie Eagle' Graduate Shot Your Honor Student(6) I wish more people knew that the Eddie Eagle program teaches gun safety to elementary school children.
Signs That You Ticked Off Your WaitressThe sesame seeds on your hamburger bun are moving.(15) I still get the creeps just thinking about this one.
Wrong Answers To "What Are Your Plans With My Daughter Tonight?""Hey, aren't you the pharmacist I bought condoms from today?"(7) Old urban legend gave me the idea here.
Euphemisims For An ErectionDetroit Piston(-2) Read this reference in an old National Lampoon story.
Annoying Things That Roomates Doeach other(-1)
Signs Your Co-workers Hate YouThey brick over your office door--with you inside.(5) Bricks work for me.
Signs You've Gone Insane"N-Sync's music speaks to the deepest part of the human condition…"(-2) Somebody beat me to (and got 17 with) "The voices in your head are hearing voices in their heads."
Worst Places To Get Caught Choking The ChickenOver an open vat at the mayonnaise factory(6) Miracle Whip, my ass.
Phrases That Should Never Follow "I Love You"/ You love me / We're a happ-BLAM!(0) Barney references don't go over well.
Tips For College FreshmanExploit fast Net connection to get Warez, MP3z, and pr0nHow else can you spell "Duh!"? "-3".
Signs You Have A Badass StereoAt 50% power, your subwoofer kills whales; your tweeter, bats.(14) The top entry here ("The 'thump' when you turn on the amp can blow the fur off of a cat") is one of my all-time favorites.
Signs Your Boss is SatanHis framed picture of him with Martha Stewart(7) Posted over two years before her indictment! Fear me!
Signs You're Going To Have A Bad DayRegistered letter from U.S. Army: "Greetings..."(3) Apparently not many voters are old enough to remember the draft...
Most Likely Places Waldo IsBuried under south goalposts, Giants Stadium...or where Hoffa is probably buried (3)...
Most Likely Places Waldo IsJeffrey Dahmer's freezer...but they remember (4) Dahmer! This was a weak list - my Dahmer and Hoffa items are #1 and #2.
Ways To Spot A NarcissistDoes James Brown impression, but only the "Jump back--gonna kiss myself!" part(7) From the Eddie Murphy 'James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub' sketch on SNL.
Top Ways To Tell It's Time To Get A New CarYou own a Citroen. Of any year.(-7) C'mon! French jokes are ALWAYS funny!
Things Never To Say To Suicide Hotline Callers "If you were REALLY serious, you'd slit your wrists lengthwise."(6) I've heard.

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