Em'ly Pos' Guide To Redneck Etekitt

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White Trash Wednesday

I'm really pressed for time this week, so I'll dust off this chestnut from 8 years ago that I found while cleaning out my email archive.

    Redneck Driving Etiquette
  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  • Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  • Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
  • Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
  • Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
    Redneck Personal Hygiene
  • Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
  • If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
  • Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. (Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.)
    Redneck Dining Out
  • Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
    Redneck Entertaining in Your Home
  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
  • If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
    Redneck Dating (Outside the Family)
  • Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
  • Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
  • If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
    Redneck Theater Etiquette
  • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
    Redneck Wedding Etiquette
  • Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
  • When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
  • A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
  • For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
    Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions
  • Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
  • It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
  • The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
  • Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

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This page contains a single entry by Chris published on August 30, 2006 3:37 PM.

Great Idea - Tell The Kids They're Getting Ready For Battle Just Before You Put Them To Bed was the previous entry in this blog.

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