April 21, 2006

The Third-Place Chili Was Disqualified Because It Contained Too Much Monkey Spunk

Every so often, I write something in the style of The Onion, but I think this is the first bit I've written that might be a good fit for Bob & Tom. If you listen to the show, you know they have somebody calling in impersonating Morgan Freeman as Red in The Shawshank Redemption. He's referred to as 'Morgan Freeman' even though he's in character, which I don't get, but whatever. One of the hallmarks of these calls is something bad happening to Andy Dufresne at the hands of one of the Sisters, nicknamed according to the topic of the call. Usually, it relates to something the gang is discussing.

But enough setup. If they ever talk about a chili cookoff, I've got just the call for them:

[F/X PHONE RINGS]

BOB KEVOIAN: Morning, Bob & Tom Show...

"MORGAN FREEMAN": Hello there sonny, this is Morgan Freeman.

BOB: Hey there, Morgan, how 'ya doing?

"MORGAN": I'm well, thank ya very kindly. I just wanted to tell you about the chili cookoff we had last weekend here at Shawshank Prison. My good friend Andy Dufresne made the finals with a venison serrano chili.

TOM GRISWOLD: Well, that's great, but how did he get the venison?

"MORGAN": He snuck outside the walls one night and killed a deer with that little rock hammer I got him when he first arrived here at Shawshank Prison.

BOB: Well, how about that!

"MORGAN": Unfortunately, the other finalist was a bull queer they call 'Cincinnati Five-Way.'

Ohhhh, Andy. That was the longest meal of his life.

And the next day, it hurt even worse comin' out than it did goin' in.

Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'.

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Posted by Chris at April 21, 2006 12:55 PM

Category: Bob & Tom
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