Last updated: 7 Jun 03.
| List | My entry | Comments |
|---|---|---|
| Childhood Events That Would Scar You For Life | That weekend at the Neverland Ranch | (28) My highest item ever; God bless Michael Jackson! |
| Worst Wedding Song Selections | 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover | (20) And most of them are actually usable AT the wedding! |
| Cool Things About Going To Clown College | You carpool in a VW Bug with 27 other clowns | (23) I was surprised by the huge response; I thought this item too blase. |
| Reasons Saddam Hussein Didn't Go To College In The U.S. | Auburn wanted to redshirt him; U. of Tikrit promised he'd start as a freshman. | (6) Nobody knew what 'Tikrit' meant until the Iraq war. |
| Famous Movie Lines Changed To Endorse Products | There can be only Pepsi One! | (11) I was worried that the voters would miss the Highlander reference. |
| Things We Want To See Yoda Do/Say In Episode III | "Making it up as he goes along, Lucas is." | (15) A criticism often levied by fans of the series. |
| Best Ways To Annoy Your English Teacher | Speak to her only in Ebonics | (15) This item did better than ones with other languages specified. |
| Worst Enemies To Have | Darth Vader | (-2) Too obvious, I suppose. And he did come correct in the end... |
| Lesser Known Shades Of The Color Red | Damn-I'm-getting-pulled-over-by-the-cops-with-a-beer-in-my-hand Red | (0) Um, not that I'd know... |
| Ways To Get Even | Dump itching powder on her tampons. | (11) Here, honey, use this bottle brush! |
| Actual Star Wars Lines You Might Hear In A Porno | Let's blow this thing so we can go home! | (23) Maybe my favorite list ever. Many many superb items. |
| Bizarre Jobs You Might Have To Take If The Economy Still Sucks | Greeter at unemployment office | (13) Inspired by Bob & Tom's "Hi, I'm Bob Dole. Welcome to Wal-Mart." |
| Signs The Company You Work For Is About To Go Under | You catch your CEO orally servicing a venture capitalist | (0) Didn't know at the time that this was supposed to be a PG-rated website. Obviously this one got past the filters. |
| Ways To Annoy The Religious Right | Darwinfish emblem on your car | (13) A much lower-rated item, "Darwin fish humping Jesus fish on the back of your car" was soooooo much better. |
| Ways To Complete "Men Are Like..." | floor tile - lay them properly and you can walk all over them for years | (4) Old joke. And I'm not too proud to use them, but... |
| Ways You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day | You see your name in the Obituaries column of the paper | (-5) ...that'll teach me to steal... |
| Ways You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day | You wake up to find police have surrounded your house | (-5) ...items off old lists |
| Things That Were/Are A Waste Of Time, Money & Thought | The Microsoft paperclip | (6) Don't you just want to kill that thing? |
| Best Ways To Reject A Bad Pickup Line | Let him buy you a beer, then dump it in his crotch. | (5) Serves a dual purpose - rejects him AND marks him to warn others. |
| Indications You May Be From Kansas | You think any body of water bigger than a farm pond is the ocean | (-13) Y'see, people, Kansas isn't anywhere near any appreciable body of water... Sheesh. |
| Things You Wish Your Kid Didn't Overhear | "Naw, baby, my wife doesn't suspect a thing." | (11) Whoops! |
| Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent Loss | Blinded by camera flashes every time she bent over | (20) My second list, and once again I didn't think this would be the leader. |
| Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent Loss | Dislocated breast | (18) This is the one I thought would do it. |
| Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent Loss | Slipped in puddle of ballboy's drool | (18) And she isn't the same player when wearing galoshes. |
| Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent Loss | Aced on match point while waving at Sergei Fedorov | (5) Hey! Five voters got the reference! |
| Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent Loss | Partially blinded in freak mascara accident | (5) No peripheral vision, no chance. |
| Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent Loss | Distracted during match by seeing herself in mirror | (4) Not enough time to freshen up between sets. |
| Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent Loss | Exhausted from late-night glam photo shoot | (3) |
| Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent Loss | Sprained eyelash | (-3) C'mon! What's wrong with this one? |
| Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent Loss | Broke a nail | (-4) |
| Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent Loss | Bad calls; umpire and linesmen watched her instead of the ball. | (-7) |
| Excuses For Anna Kournikova's Most Recent Loss | Ponytail got wrapped around racket | (-8) |
| Slogans That Insult A Rival University | Harvard - When You're Too Dumb For MIT And Too Rich For UMass | My first list; I never thought this one would be the list leader (20). |
| Slogans That Insult A Rival University | Michigan Tech - where the men are real men, and so are the women. | Or that this one would be second (14). I've also heard Purdue insulted in this fashion. |
| Slogans That Insult A Rival University | U. Of Miami Football - 23 days since our last felony arrest! | (13) Also applies to Nebraska or (gasp!) Notre Dame. |
| Slogans That Insult A Rival University | A Wolverine Is Just A Fat Weasel | (7) This is the one I thought would lead the list. As far as I know, it's a parking_god original (I once had a bunch of bumper stickers made with this slogan and sold them at Michigan State games). |
| Slogans That Insult A Rival University | Michigan Basketball - finally under the salary cap! | (6) Another parking_god original. |
| Slogans That Insult A Rival University | The University Of Nebraska Cornholers | (5) A nick like 'Cornhuskers' practically begs for this treatment. |
| Slogans That Insult A Rival University | They call themselves Tarheels, but they really just stepped in dog crap. | (4) Yet another parking_god original; I'm disappointed it didn't do better. |
| Slogans That Insult A Rival University | Happiness is crushed Buckeye nuts... | (2) Round out my positive entries on this list with a U-M classic. |
| Slogans That Insult A Rival University | Trojans Pop Under Pressure | (-4) Yawn. |
| Slogans That Insult A Rival University | F$U = Free $hoes University | (-5) A little bit too obscure. Either that or lots of voters are Semen-hole fans. Hmm, maybe I should add that one... |
| Worst Confessions To Your Priest | "Ever since I was a boy, I had this thing for older men..." | (4) Sometimes the voters are in the mood for being creeped out... |
| Things Not To Say To Your Prom Date | "Watch those hands, Dad." | ...and sometimes they're not (-4). |
| Reasons Why Actors Make Lousy Murderers | "curtain call" = "returning to the scene of the crime" | (-1) No curtain call required here. |
| Favorite Puns | Deja moo - the feeling that you've heard this bull before | (18) I detest puns in general, but I was unable to resist the temptation to include this one. |
| Signs That You're Addicted To Krispy Kreme Donuts | You have your paycheck direct-deposited there. | (1) Regretted this one almost immediately; it's too generic. |
| Signs Your Furniture Is Possessed | Every night; you clean up the bloodstain; every morning, it reappears. | (13) I meant to phrase it "bloodstains on the couch cushion"; the voters understood anyway. |
| Warning Signs It's Best Not To Ignore | Do not look into laser with remaining eye. | (16) I used this in my .sig for years. |
| Cases On The Cartoon Court TV | ASPCA v. Granny for beating the crap out of Sylvester | (5) The one I really wanted to do was "People v. Shaggy: Possession", but someone beat me to it. |
| Episodes For The New 'X Files Of Happy Days' Show | Richie's brother Chuck abducted by aliens | (-3) I don't get it; Chuck was in a few early episodes but disappeared without a trace. I thought this was a perfect explanation. |
| Things Superman Does On A Date | When he blows his load, it takes Lois Lane's head off. | (-7) Got the idea from Larry Niven's Man Of Steel, Woman Of Kleenex; the voters either missed or dissed the reference. |
| Tips For Being A Better Villain | Don't lock MacGyver in the tool shed. | (11) Saw this somewhere on the net, on a list of (surprise) "Things I Will Do If I'm Ever A Super-Villain" |
| Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery | "[after closing] Aw crap, we've got parts left over." | (3) Don't know what happened here--this was listed as an upcoming list, then it disappeared, then it showed up as the list of 8 April 2001. |
| Things You Wouldn't Want Your Boss To Overhear | ...and I host all the porn from here so there's no bandwidth costs! | (26) My highest rated entry until the Neverland one. |
| Worst Possible Moments To Fart | Tribal Council on 'Survivor' | (-1) I thought of this after seeing the Survivor episode where Shawn farted constantly. |
| Worst Possible Moments To Fart | Final decision time on 'ElimiDate' | (-3) I figured this was essentially the same item. The voters didn't. |
| Words That Sound Fun When You Say Them | Bangkok | (18) Mmmmmmm... Bangkok. |
| Ways To Quiet Loud Co-Workers | Remote-control shock collar | Why is this at -7? What's wrong with it? |
| Things People Think They Do Better When They're Drunk | Addd ietms two a Kepeers Lsit | (18) I was worried someone would beat me to this, and Keepers meta-references traditionally don't do well. Shows how much I know. |
| Ways To Tell Your Wife You're Gay | I'm not going to the strip bar. Let's watch Lifetime instead. | I thought this one was fab. The voters (-9!) did not concur. |
| Ways To Quiet Loud Co-Workers | A politely worded letter of complaint-wrapped around a brick thrown at them. | (15) Brick themes work well for me. |
| Most Useless Websites | www.kkkdiversityinitiative.com | -7. I got lynched. |
| Signs Your Girlfriend's Parents Don't Like You | A dot of red light appears on your chest as you approach their house. | (11) "Keeping low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised." |
| Janet Reno - Florida Campaign Slogans | Reno For Governor - Let's Shake On It | Parkinson's jokes don't go over well with the voters (-5). |
| Janet Reno - Florida Campaign Slogans | Janet Reno - The Right Man For The Job | This one leads the list at 15; two similarly-worded ones are below zero. Go figure. |
| Janet Reno - Florida Campaign Slogans | Quien es mas macho - Janet Reno o Jeb Bush? | (4) Got "Quien Es Mas Macho" from SNL, I think. |
| Things Pigeons In New York City Are Thinking | "So many targets, so little crap..." | Unoriginal; I was punished roundly for it (-7). However... |
| "Cons" To Living Underwater | Morning paper guaranteed to be a soggy mess. | ...I thought this one was too mundane, but it worked (11). |
| Useful Phrases To Know In A Foreign Language | I can lick my own eyebrows and breathe through my ears. | Evidently the voters didn't understand (-12) that this means the speaker is ideally suited to perform, oh, never mind. |
| NRA Bumper Stickers | My 'Eddie Eagle' Graduate Shot Your Honor Student | (6) I wish more people knew that the Eddie Eagle program teaches gun safety to elementary school children. |
| Signs That You Ticked Off Your Waitress | The sesame seeds on your hamburger bun are moving. | (15) I still get the creeps just thinking about this one. |
| Wrong Answers To "What Are Your Plans With My Daughter Tonight?" | "Hey, aren't you the pharmacist I bought condoms from today?" | (7) Old urban legend gave me the idea here. |
| Euphemisims For An Erection | Detroit Piston | (-2) Read this reference in an old National Lampoon story. |
| Annoying Things That Roomates Do | each other | (-1) |
| Signs Your Co-workers Hate You | They brick over your office door--with you inside. | (5) Bricks work for me. |
| Signs You've Gone Insane | "N-Sync's music speaks to the deepest part of the human condition…" | (-2) Somebody beat me to (and got 17 with) "The voices in your head are hearing voices in their heads." |
| Worst Places To Get Caught Choking The Chicken | Over an open vat at the mayonnaise factory | (6) Miracle Whip, my ass. |
| Phrases That Should Never Follow "I Love You" | / You love me / We're a happ-BLAM! | (0) Barney references don't go over well. |
| Tips For College Freshman | Exploit fast Net connection to get Warez, MP3z, and pr0n | How else can you spell "Duh!"? "-3". |
| Signs You Have A Badass Stereo | At 50% power, your subwoofer kills whales; your tweeter, bats. | (14) The top entry here ("The 'thump' when you turn on the amp can blow the fur off of a cat") is one of my all-time favorites. |
| Signs Your Boss is Satan | His framed picture of him with Martha Stewart | (7) Posted over two years before her indictment! Fear me! |
| Signs You're Going To Have A Bad Day | Registered letter from U.S. Army: "Greetings..." | (3) Apparently not many voters are old enough to remember the draft... |
| Most Likely Places Waldo Is | Buried under south goalposts, Giants Stadium | ...or where Hoffa is probably buried (3)... |
| Most Likely Places Waldo Is | Jeffrey Dahmer's freezer | ...but they remember (4) Dahmer! This was a weak list - my Dahmer and Hoffa items are #1 and #2. |
| Ways To Spot A Narcissist | Does James Brown impression, but only the "Jump back--gonna kiss myself!" part | (7) From the Eddie Murphy 'James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub' sketch on SNL. |
| Top Ways To Tell It's Time To Get A New Car | You own a Citroen. Of any year. | (-7) C'mon! French jokes are ALWAYS funny! |
| Things Never To Say To Suicide Hotline Callers | "If you were REALLY serious, you'd slit your wrists lengthwise." | (6) ...so I've heard. |
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