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White Trash Wednesday

Reuters has this story from last month:

IAMI (Reuters) - An 11-year-old girl was charged with drunken driving after leading police on a chase at speeds of up to 100 mph that ended when she flipped the car in an Alabama beach town.

A video camera in the police car captured the look of surprise on the officer's face when he approached the wrecked car and got a look at the motorist.

The Mobile Press-Register newspaper said the patrolman saw the Chevrolet Monte Carlo speeding and flashed his lights to signal the driver to stop. Instead, the car sped faster, traveling at up to 100 mph (160 kph) before sideswiping another vehicle and flipping over in the Gulf Coast town of Orange Beach, Alabama, on Tuesday night.

That there's just reg'lar funny (and don't give me no guff. Nobody got hurt - it's funny).

What makes this here thing White Trash Wednesday funny is this screenshot from BBspot:

I think whoever does ad serving for Reuters needs to rethink their algorithms - it's probably not a great idea to put a beer ad in an article that contains the words "drunken driving."

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A Real Whiz-Bang Home Remedy

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White Trash Wednesday

You've heard of the expression "Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining?" How about "Don't piss in my ear and tell me I've got an infection?" Listen to this clip from hour 1 of last Tuesday's Bob & Tom.

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You Can't Say She Didn't Give You Fair Warning

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White Trash Wednesday

A woman gets picked up for DUI. Not newsworthy, right? Happens all the time. Except in this case Jolene done went and advertised it:

Amanda Lynn Bailey couldn't have picked a more appropriate shirt for her arrest on DUI charges.

The 41-year-old is a dealer for the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Tampa. She was arrested July 31 and charged with driving under the influence and driving with a cancelled, suspended or revoked license.

It was her second DUI arrest in three months.

The shirt in question:

I'm not an alchoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

Now I get it. She had to wear the shirt as a condition of her first offense! [H/T FARK]

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White Trash Mother Of The Year

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White Trash Wednesday

That's right, folks, the adventures of 'Cletus' and 'Jolene' are back after a long layoff. Today's story comes from just down the road in Indy:

An Indianapolis mother says she did neglect her two children. Police found Nancy Dyer's three-year old son wandering I-465 on Dec. 30. At her trial Monday morning Dyer's attorneys and the prosecuting attorney agreed on a plea deal.
. . .
State police found her three-year-old son Damon wandering I-465 on Dec. 30. Police found Dyer in her apartment with her two-year-old daughter who had been eating food from the trash. Dyer told the judge she was asleep at the time.

Dyer admitted her guilt to a similar incident when apartment complex employees found that same three-year-old wandering in the parking lot just two days before they found him on the highway.
Kid's got the travelin' jones, no doubt about that. Geez, lady, buy a better lock!

One other thing - she has a three-year-old, a two-year-old, she's pregnant now, and

"I don't know that any time being served is going to solve anything for her," said [Dyer's father Chuck] Lindgren, 65. "I'd rather her go into some kind of program to enhance her parenting skills."

. . .

Her newborn will be her sixth child. Lindgren adopted a son who now is 15, and 11- and 13-year-old daughters live with their father in Florida.
I don't think 'parenting skills' will help. She's had five tries to get it right, and it doesn't look like she's figured it out yet.

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White Trash Wednesday

... or A Spoonful Of Sugar Helps The Medicine Go Down:

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. -- During an investigation last month, Arkansas police officers found a bundle of materials suspected of being used to cook methamphetamine in a trash can. What gave them pause were the packets of a strawberry-flavored children's drink mix next to it.

From lollipops to high-sugar sodas, law enforcement officials say they've found meth cut with a variety of candies, drinks and other materials over the years. Officials say the "designer meth" can smooth the chemically rough ingestion of the drug, making it easier for first-time users to try.
My mom forbade me from buying candy cigarettes when I was a kid in the '70s, for fear that they'd make me want to start smoking (naturally, that made me want them more, so I ended up getting them when she wasn't around and 'smoking' them with my friends down in the ravine behind one friend's house. But I digress). This would have made her blow her stack.

And maybe that's what the dealers are thinking, too:

"The drug cartels operate just like any other corporation would -- if they want to increase their market share, then they're going to have to change something about it. This is just an evolution. They've saturated the heavy users, now they are moving onto some other people," he [Chris Harrison, chief illicit laboratory chemist at the Arkansas lab] said.

The latest meth cut, known as "Strawberry Quick," uses powdered drink mix to give the drug a pink coloring. The sweetness of the powder can make meth more palatable and partially masks its harsh chemical taste.

. . .

Because of its chemical properties, meth easily mixes into any water-based liquid. Caffeinated, high-sugar energy drinks and sodas often litter areas where meth cookers manufacture the drug, sometimes used as a chaser to the stimulant, Harrison said.

Outside of drinks, police also have seen meth mixed with a variety of candy, cola and chocolate flavors. Cutting it with something else also may help cutting down the burning sensation some have when snorting powdered meth, Harrison said. When snorted, he said meth can destroy a person's septum.
Well, sure. Destroying one's brain, heart, teeth, lungs, liver - no problem there. But one's septum? Apparently that's where Joe Crankhead draws the line.

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White Trash Wednesday

(I may be a week between entry days, but at least I'm getting WTW out on time.) I've heard of jonesing for a smoke, but this is ridiculous:

A north Idaho man accused of ramming his truck into his estranged wife's home Monday after unsuccessfully demanding that she bring him a cigarette has been arrested, police said. No one was injured.

. . .

Caroline Marienau, who said she's in the process of getting a divorce, said Eric Marienau parked his full-size Chevrolet Silverado pickup truck next to her house about 7 a.m., police said.

He went to the home's fence and began shouting for her to bring him a cigarette, Caroline Marienau told police. She said he began pounding on her front door, telling her if she didn't come outside with a cigarette that he would return with his truck and ram her house.

"Eric returned a minute later and rammed the front of the house near the garage area at a high rate of speed. He then backed up and rammed the front of the house at least two more times," Police Sgt. Christie Wood said. "The impact forced a 1993 Ford Ranger that was parked inside the garage to be propelled approximately four feet through a wall into the interior of the bedroom."
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Mr. Marienau has had previous interactions with the law-enforcement community:
Marienau has a lengthy criminal record, which seem to stem from when he shot himself in the head in 1977. Court records show he has a bullet lodged behind his right eye. In 2000, he was arrested for . . .
Place your bets, place your bets!

The book is now closed. The winning answers are...

. . . possession of meth and trafficking meth. In 1996, he was charged with three counts of felony forgery and two counts of fraud.

'Fraud' pays 3-to-1, 'Forgery' pays 2.5-to-1, and 'Meth' pays 0.2-to-1. The Fraud-Forgery-Meth trifecta pays 38-to-1.

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White Trash Wednesday

Courtesy of "Larry King" (voiced by, I think, Steve Salge) on yesterday's Bob & Tom:

Hey, you ever wonder if you qualify as White Trash? Here's a quick way to find out - if your favorite summer memory involves a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a hot makeout session with your step-niece in an above-ground pool, then welcome to White Trashville, population You, man.

Bonus - if you bought the pool with a disability check the factory gave you after you cut off a finger with a band saw while making a bong holder for your Camaro(*)!

(*) He actually said something that sounded like 'ca-MARE-u,' but remember that the gang often rags him about needing to use a larger font when he types up his bits. Maybe he's talking about a Subaru with an aero kit designed to look like a Z28. That'd be cool. Or dorky. Maybe both.

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Y Not Bubba? 'Cuz It Be Dam Stoopid!

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It's a free country - that's why you've got the right to change your name, and why I have the right to laugh at you when you change it to something stupid:

A southeast New Mexico man has changed his name to Y Not Bubba, and why not?

According to the easy-going truck driver, at birth he was given up for adoption and has spent the next 14 years in and out of foster care, so he decided he wanted a new name, for a new future.

. . .

"Why not Bubba? Everybody knows me as Bubba, so why not Bubba, and that's kind of how the name stuck," he said.
By that logic, I should probably change my name to 'Asshole.'

White Trash Wednesday

After a brief flirtation with being on time, White Trash Wednesday returns to Thursdays with a double feature. First up - the latest chapter in the Anna Nicole Smith saga.

You may have noticed that I've pretty much left Anna Nicole alone on WTW. That's because, as I have to admit, I've got a bit of a soft spot for her. Her estranged mother, Virgie Arthur, on the other hand, is a completely different story. I trust her about three percent more than I do Howard K. Stern (which puts my trust level riiiiight around zero percent).

So I don't know which part of this clip from Wednesday's Bob & Tom show was my favorite:

  • Tom referring to her as "Fat, ignorant, stupid - she's got it all!"
  • Vergie pretending to care about the baby in any context other than the money, or
  • Tom finishing up by saying "This is the woman who the mother of the child never wanted to see again."

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Crankretariat Coming Up Hard On The Outside

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White Trash Wednesday

I can't decide whether the moral of this story should be "Don't bring a horse to a demolition derby" or "Don't bring a car to a horse race:"

An Alabama woman was arrested for riding a horse while under the influence of a controlled substance and using the animal to ram a police car.

Sylvania police arrested 40-year-old Melissa Byrum York around midnight Sunday. She was charged with seven counts that included DUI, animal cruelty and second-degree assault.

John Seals, the arresting officer, said he had to get back in his car and follow York after she allegedly coaxed the horse into a trot. Seals pulled his car in front of the horse to try to get her to stop. She allegedly rammed the horse into the car and went about 50 more yards and tried to jump off, but York caught her foot in the stirrups.

And the punch line?

Police said they also seized a small amount of marijuana, some crystal methamphetamine and several pills.

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