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Not Exactly The Office Lexicon, But Whatever

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mangum: (v.) To falsely accuse someone of a heinous crime with the malicious intent to destroy that person's life.

Idea from John Podhoretz.

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Later that same show, they were discussing this story about a Romanian man who gave his daughter a 'wannabe' name:

A Romanian luxury car enthusiast has named his daughter SLK after the Mercedes model.

. . .

Ica Mladin, the head of the local register's office, said: "This man walked into the office and said he wanted a birth certificate on the name SLK Caldarar.

"We found that very odd and tried to make him change his mind."

But the father insisted, saying he loves cars and if the baby had been a boy he would have been named BMW.

Mr Caldarar said: "The SLK is one of the most famous models of the Mercedes class; it's expensive and beautiful.

I've written about this moronic phenomenon more than once (here, for instance), but Kristi makes exactly the same point I make here:

KRISTI LEE: I'm gonna step in here and take a wild guess the guy doesn't have a chance in hell of ever owning an SLK or a BMW.
but Tom provides the punch line:
TOM GRISWOLD: He came up with the idea to name the baby after a car moments after he learned he'd gotten the Escort he was with pregnant.

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DMV Office Destroyed By 80-Year-Old Driver:

Police in Deerfield Beach said no one was seriously injured after an 80-year-old woman crashed her car into the town's Department of Motor Vehicle offices.

The Florida Division of Motor Vehicles released surveillance video on Tuesday that shows about a half-dozen customers seated and waiting for service at a service desk.

The next instant, a white, four-door sedan driven by the woman crashes through the office's floor-to-ceiling glass window, shattering glass and sending chairs and customers scattering.
I suppose it's too much to hope that she was there for a driving test?
Police said the woman, Theresa Smith, inadvertently stepped on the gas while pulling out of a parking space. She was charged with careless driving.
Oh, well.

I'll Take 'Driving While Blind' For $1000 Please, Alex

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While I was on the road at lunch today, this lady pulled out in front of me without really looking, forcing a minor evasive maneuver on my part. As I passed her, I noticed her front license plate:

Jesus Christ is the answer
I'm a Jeopardy! fan, so naturally I thought of the question:
What do people scream at you when you drive?

Ironically, He Was Coming From Nurenburg

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Sorry, I lost the link to this story, but you can probably find it on Reuters somewhere:

BERLIN (Reuters) - A 46-year-old German motorist driving along a busy road suddenly veered to the left and ended up stuck on a railway track -- because his satellite navigation system told him to, police said Sunday.

The motorist was heading into the north German city of Bremen "when the friendly voice from his satnav told him to turn left," a spokesman said.
And here's the dead giveaway that the article was written by somebody who isn't him/herself German:
Several German motorists have crashed their cars in recent months, later telling police they were only obeying orders from their satnavs. [emphasis added]

For some people, it seems that the major purpose of their life is to serve as a counterexample. Here we teach the lesson "Don't Accept An Offer To Sell Stolen Crap Back To The Guy You Stole It From:"

Brothers Jared and Cooper Colwell and two other men were sleeping at their home in Midvale, Utah last Tuesday, when a pair of ski-masked crooks busted into the house and demanded everyone's cash, wallets, and cellphones. Sounds like your typical home invasion, except for the fact that Jared thought he recognized one of the burglar's voices -- it sounded like a friend of theirs named Randall Talbot who had previously crashed at their pad for a few weeks. Figuring they had nothing to lose, the men texted Jared's cellphone with a message saying "Randy, I really want my phone back; I'll pay you $300 for the phone right now" (must have been a Treo). If you're stupid enough to rob your friend's house it stands to reason that you might be stupid enough to collect a ransom on the stolen merchandise as well, and sure enough, Randy and his partner-in-crime Justin Brooks agreed to a meeting at the local Smith's store. As you've probably guessed by now, the Colwells immediately called the cops, who were there to greet Randy and Justin as they emerged from behind a dumpster at the rendezvous point
[H/T Fark via Engadget]

Don't Pay The Healerman / Don't Even Fix A Price

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/ Don't pay the healerman / Until he gets you to get up and walk to the other side.

I suppose if Chris de Burgh were to remix his 1982 minor hit Don't Pay The Ferryman (lyrics) today, he'd have some lyrics changes along the lines of the above, because it would seem that he now fancies himself a faith healer:

In an interview with Gloria Hunniford on BBC1's Heaven and Earth show, the Lady In Red singer insisted that he had cured a man suffering from a swollen ankle by simply touching the affected area.

He said: "I have found myself able to cure people with my hands.

"I met someone in the West Indies who was not able to walk. I put my hands on him and he was able to get up.

Lest you think that's a one-off, he also saved his wife from paralysis after a riding accident:

In 1993 he revealed that he had warned his wife, Diane, not to move her spine if she should break her neck in a riding accident.

The following day Diane, the inspiration for Lady In Red, fell off her horse and adhered to his advice, saving herself from paralysis.

Don't move your spine if you break your neck - brilliant! Too bad the regular medical community hasn't thought of that!

Oh, wait - they have.

But he doesn't want to make a big deal about it:

"I know the tabloids will get excited by this so I try to play it down."
Which, no doubt, is why he mentioned it IN A BBC INTERVIEW!

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Dangerous Stupidity, Full Disclosure

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It would be disingenuous of me to chronicle dangerous stupidity the way I do and not admit to an episode of my own, so here goes. I was going to take my wife's car to the shop yesterday morning, since it had been starting with more and more difficulty over the previous few days (I was fairly certain it was either a dying battery or some other electrical problem).

Sure enough, when I tried to start it, it was deader 'n hell. I started my car, dug the jumper cables out of the back, connected the batteries together (taking care to do so in a safe manner), and waited. Thirty seconds later, my wife's car cranked right over. I disconnected the cables (taking care to do so in a safe manner), threw them in the back of the car, backed out of the garage, closed the door, and headed off down the street.

An hour later, my son, preparing to leave for school, entered the garage to find my car still running.

Fortunately, he was way smarter than I was, as he immediately slapped the button for the garage door opener and retreated back into the house.

Everybody's fine, but damn was I stupid.

Intoxicants 1, Mel Gibson 0

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You've all heard by now about Mel Gibson running afoul of the axiom in vino veritas, but there's something about this whole incident that bothers me. My panel of experts concurs wholeheartedly - a BAC of 0.12% should not make you drunk enough to do and say what Gibson did.

I can think of two possible explanations for this discrepancy: first, that the BAC was fudged to make it appear lower than it really was. I don't see why the police would do this; first of all, it's evidence tampering. Second, if they wanted to give him a pass, they wouldn't have tested him in the first place. Take him home, say "Good night, Mr. Gibson, try to be more careful next time," end of story.

The other - and I haven't heard anybody say this, so let me be clear that I'm just pulling this out of my ass right now - is that Gibson had something else on board.

There are ways to suppress the sound of a pistol shot. However, none of them involve a potato:

Experts say using a spud as a silencer is urban myth -- but that didn't deter Shane Thompson.

During a domestic dispute, Thompson carved a hole in a potato with a spoon, stuck the barrel of his gun inside and threatened to shoot the mother of his child, Miami-Dade police said Friday.

. . .

The vegetable, while rich in carbs, does not make an effective silencer, police say.

The myth dates back to mob murders of the 1920s and has persisted through movies and word of mouth.

''It was fine in Dick Tracy, but in real life, it's not true,'' said Miami-Dade Sgt. Bob Hoelscher, a longtime firearms technician who is not involved in the case.
Too bad this didn't happen in Pennsylvania - maybe Thompson could get a cell next to McArthur 'Juice' Wheeler (from my favorite psychological study):
In 1995, McArthur Wheeler walked into two Pittsburgh banks and robbed them in broad daylight, with no visible attempt at disguise. He was arrested later that night, less than an hour after videotapes of him taken from surveillance cameras were broadcast on the 11 o'clock news. When police later showed him the surveillance tapes, Mr. Wheeler stared in incredulity. "But I wore the juice," he mumbled. Apparently, Mr. Wheeler was under the impression that rubbing one's face with lemon juice rendered it invisible to videotape cameras ( Fuocco, 1996 ).

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