This just in from the Dangerous Logic field office in Boulder: in a coup reminiscent of the Miami Playbook found by badjocks.com, we have discovered the University of Colorado Football Recruiting Handbook. This one is definitely not safe for the kiddies.
Recently in Auditions For 'The Onion' Category
The chronic famine in North Korea seems to have gotten worse:
FOUR million North Koreans will starve in the freezing northern winter because international aid donations have dried up amid rising suspicion over the isolated country's nuclear weapons activities.I don't see what the problem is. I found a picture of this year's senior class meal at Kaesong High School:
A United Nations agency said yesterday its food supplies were all but exhausted and it would have to abandon four million people already on short rations.
. . .
UN North Korea representative Masood Hyder said in Beijing yesterday: "A food crisis is on us at the wrong time. We are scraping the bottom of the barrel."
. . .
Mr Hyder said the agency did not expect mass starvation deaths. But malnutrition and other health problems would surge among North Koreans whose daily aid rations of about 500g of food a person was already considered the bare minimum needed. In 2002, 42 per cent of North Korean children were found to be stunted.
When asked if he was enjoying himself, class salutatorian Kim Il-Suk (second from right) said "I haven't eaten this well since my junior class meal."
The injury-plagued career of sexpot and sometime pro tennis player Anna Kournikova took another downturn today, as her physician announced that she is out for the year with hyperextended beauty. "Anna cannot continue playing tennis for the forseeable future with the shape she is in," said Dr. Raoul Gentry of the Human Aesthetics Institute in Los Angeles. "She has struggled with this condition for many years. It is a handicap that other top players, such as Lindsey Davenport and Jennifer Capriati, do not have." Among the specific symptoms cited by Gentry are an inability of male judges and linesmen to follow the ball when she is on the court; being blinded by flashbulbs every time she bends over; constant exhaustion from the abnormally high-class off-court lifestyle she is forced to lead; and her silky, golden-blond hair getting tangled in her tennis racket, interfering with her ability to strike a pose.
Although the condition is generally self-curing with age, there are drastic steps Kournikova could take to treat it now. Before she does, there are quality-of-life issues to consider. Said Gentry, "Her tennis career won't last forever, and then what would she have? You read all the time about pro football players who are basically crippled by age 40 due to sacrifices they made for the game they played. This would be no different. Anna would spend the rest of her life hideously scarred from such a treatment." When asked what kind of treatment would leave that kind of scarring, Gentry said "Basically we just carve a bunch of scars into her. That pretty much takes away the beauty."
Kournikova was in conference with her cosmetologist and could not be reached for comment.
Commander Scott Waddle, captain of the USS Greeneville, arrived in Uwajima, Japan, today and formally apologized to the family of Toshimichi Furuya, one of nine people killed when the Greeneville rammed and sank the Ehime Maru on February 9. After Waddle made a few brief remarks, Shizuko Kimura, sister of Furuya, presented Waddle and executive officer Lieutenant Commander Gerald Pfeifer with a matched set of traditional Japanese swords. Then, in a gruesome but poignant ceremony, Waddle knelt before a Shinto shrine in the family's living room and commited seppuku with the wakizashi while Pfeifer stood second with the katana, prepared to decapitate Waddle if he risked dishonoring himself by crying out. After mopping up the copious amount of blood and spilled entrails, Kimura said that Waddle has "atoned for the great shame of murdering my brother" and brought honor to his family and crew. A high-level Pentagon spokesman says that President Bush is "satisfied" with the outcome and considers the matter closed.
OK, I made that all up, but I'm surprised The Onion hasn't come up with something like it yet. Except better, since they're way way funnier than I am.