May 2011 Archives

Life Imitates South Park

Chinese People's Liberation Army chief Gen. Chen Bingde is trying to convince us that China isn't a military threat. From Fox News via Defense Tech:

"Through my visit over the past couple of days in the United States, I am surprised by the sophistication of the U.S. military, including its weapons and equipment and doctrines and so on," People's Liberation Army leader General Chen Bingde said. "I can tell you that China does not have the capability to challenge the United States. As a matter of fact, the reconnaissance activities along China's coast by U.S. military aircraft and vessels are seen in China as deterrents."

For emphasis, the general added, "What I'm trying to say is that we do not have the capability to challenge the United States."

. . .

"As it is known to all, the United States is a super-power in the world today; how can China easily have the ability to challenge it? That is simply not part of Chinese culture and we do not have that capability. We would strive for world peace, civility and development and well being of the whole humankind...The United States has far more advanced weapons and equipment."

I... don't believe him. In fact, the first thing I thought of when I read this was the South Park season 3 episode called Chinpoko-mon, about a Japanese company that uses a Pokemon-like game to brainwash American youth to join a new Japanese-supremacist military. Specifically, this part (starting at 0:33), where company officials try to distract a concerned American toy shop owner from the threat of Chinpoko-mon:

"I am President Hirohito. And this is Mr. Osa."
"Pleased to meet you."
"We understand you have big concern about our fine product."
"Well, yes. Do you mind telling me what the hell this is about?" [activates Chinpoko-mon doll]
"The American Government lies to you. Join the fight for Japanese supremacy of the world. More to come!"
"That is so strange. I do not know how this could happen. But rest assured, I will make sure it does not happen again!"
"Well, now come on, I don't think that that quite satisfies my - "
"You are... American?"
"Oh! You must have very big penis!"
"Excuse me? I was just asking you what you're up to with these toys."
"Nothing. We are very simple people with very small penis. Mr. Osa penis is especially small."
"So small!"
"We cannot achieve much with so small penis. But you Americans... wow! Penis so big... so big penis!"
"Well, I guess it is a pretty good size."
"Well, it certainly was nice meeting you folks; I just wanted to bring that little malfunction to your attention. Bye-bye now."
"Thank you for stopping by with your gargantuan penis!"

Damn straight it is. And we intend to be the ONLY swinging dick in the Pacific.

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