March 2007 Archives

Heading out to the Coliseum to watch the FreedomFusion opener. It's against Green Bay, who were the conference champions last year. Normally, that'd be a recipe for a grade-A pimpslapping - defending conference champ against expansion team - but since they have a new coach, and only five players return from that team, maybe the Fusion has a chance.


White Trash Wednesday

I don't remember exactly when I actually got White Trash Wednesday out on time, and I'm too lazy to look it up. Anyway, a Florida man (go figure) scores the White Trash Drug Trifecta: meth lab on wheels, holding more, with some weed on the side:

Troopers hit the jackpot Wednesday when they arrested a man driving a methamphetamine lab on wheels, who had drugs tucked away in his armpit, grew marijuana in a tub and was on probation violation for murder.

Florida Highway Patrol troopers at 3:50 p.m. stopped Cocoa resident Charles Leon McComas, 46, on Interstate 95 near Mims, for a faulty license tag light on the mobile home he was pulling with his Chevy Z71 Pickup. During the routine traffic stop at a rest stop near mile marker 228, troopers discovered that McComas had an outstanding warrant for his arrest from Suwannee County for violation of probation for second degree murder.
By the way, White Trash Drug Trifecta plus outstanding felony warrant pays 3:1 (I know, I know, that's a pretty lame payout for a trifecta, but you have to consider that this one can't be that rare).

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.


Apparently the mothership has changed our corporate logo color. Go here to catch the old color (quick, before they catch up and change it!) - a sort of orangish-red. Now go here to see the new one. Pantone Matching System 186 (PMS 186), I'm told.

I prefer the more colloquial 'blood red.'

Apropos for a defense contractor, yes? (h/t: co-worker Mike)


Camel. Needle's Eye. Some Assembly Required.


One of the reasons I don't attend the church of which I am nominally still a member is that less than 12 hours after I formally re-registered (after kind of lurking around the edges for a while), I received a fundraising call asking me how much money I was going to pledge towards the construction of their new $9,000,000 church. No, my '0' key didn't get stuck - the new building was going to cost NINE MILLION DOLLARS. And they weren't looking for chump change, either. I remember the exact words the fundraiser used: "How many thousand can you pledge over the next two years?" Now, to be clear, they definitely had outgrown the existing building, and I wasn't expecting them to build a big pole barn to replace it, but I'd bet they could have built a nice looking, perfectly suitable building for half that much.

So I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised by this in-your-face example of Prosperity Theology:

A Redford Township church that believes wealth is God's reward is raising eyebrows for buying its pastor a $3.65 million mansion and taking it off the tax rolls.

This month, township officials grudgingly conceded they had no choice but to remove the 11,000-square-foot home overlooking Maybury State Park from its assessment rolls, losing $40,000 annually in taxes.

They concluded the plush pad is a parsonage, but that hasn't quelled debate among township officials and neighbors about whether Christian charity extends to the Detroit World Outreach Church's purchase in September of the home for Pastor Ben Gibert and his wife and co-pastor, Charisse Gibert.

. . .

The 4,000-member church is part of a growing movement that preaches prosperity. Also known as "health and wealth" theology, the ideology preaches that God wants followers to do well, be healthy and have rewards -- such as the $50,000 Cadillac Escalade the church bought the Giberts, who have four children.

Ben Gibert said God surrounds the faithful with beautiful things.

I guess I can kind of understand his point, because I agree with Ben Franklin, who said "God loves us and wants us to be happy." OK, OK, Franklin really said "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy," so I'm kind of biased on the subject. But beer is one thing; an Escalade and a $3.65M mansion are something else.

One of the leaders of his church agrees. "God's empowerment is to make you have an abundant life," said Elder Marvin Wilder, a lawyer and general counsel for the church.

"In this country we value rock stars, movie stars and athletes. They can have a lavish lifestyle, and a pastor who restores lives that were broken shouldn't?
Rock stars, movie stars, athletes, megachurch pastors. Yep, all entertainers. I stand corrected.


I took some time off the blog last weekend to wrap up a short story I've been trying to finish for literally the last four years, which, coincidentally, is about how long it took me to write my Iron Chef parody episode.

Now that I've got a first draft for this thing, I need to figure out what I'm going to do with it. It's kind of The Office meets 'Bastard Operator from Hell,' and part of the problem is that both Ricky Gervais and Simon Travaglia have set the bar pretty damn high (which really pisses me off because I started this story before The Office came out!).

I guess while I'm trying to figure out what to do with Episode 1, I can start on Episode 2, in which Kevin gets evicted from his cubicle and we find out why Kate's hands are always moving. Let's hope it doesn't take me four years to get this one done.

Now Taking Bets As To When She Goes Back In

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White Trash Wednesday

I was too busy to see this yesterday, but it appears that Her Royal Baldness is (successfully) out of rehab. I have updated my sidebar picture accordingly.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.


Something's weird about the MP3s of yesterday's Bob & Tom show - the last segment of the last hour was really slowed down. Whether this was something on Premiere's end, or some weirdness when I downloaded it, I don't know, but it had the effect of lowering everybody's vocal range - and it made Kristi sound a LOT like Jim Gaffigan!

Kristi extolling the benefits of her Sleep Number bed (MP3, 0:05)


As Penance, I'll Eat Two Animals Today

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I can't believe I forgot that yesterday was International Eat An Animal For PETA Day!

And don't forget - it counts double if it's a cute animal. I think I'll have filet of panda with a nice tuna-free dolphin salad.


White Trash On Ice. Yes, It's A Double-Entendre.


White Trash Wednesday

Tonya Harding crosses paths with Johnny Law again:

VANCOUVER, Wash. -- Former Olympic skater Tonya Harding told sheriff's deputies she thought people were trying to break into her home and had followed her to a towing station, behavior that her agent attributed to an adverse reaction to allergy medication.

The incident, which did not generate an official police report, was outlined in a Clark County sheriff's dispatch log detailing two separate calls relating to Harding's erratic behavior early Sunday.

The log did not indicate that Harding was on any medication, Sgt. Tim Bieber said Thursday.

"I don't know from the call whether she was hallucinating," he said, noting that if that had been the case, deputies typically take people to the hospital involuntarily.

"There's no indication in the log that she was on any medication," he added.

Harding called authorities around 4:50 a.m. Sunday from Yacolt Towing to report that there were possibly four men and a woman trying to break into her residence northeast of Vancouver, Bieber said. She also said they were trying to stash weapons on her property.

. . .

Deputies arrived within a half hour, Bieber said, reading from dispatch notes that said the report appeared to be very implausible.

"It says she was agitated, glancing everywhere. She seemed frustrated that people can't see the people that she sees," Bieber said.

Harding was taken to the home of a friend, who within hours placed another call to deputies saying she was 'tweaking out, seeing things."

But why? Let's take a spin on the old Wheel-O-Alibis:

The former skater's problems arose after she "was prescribed medications which did not interact correctly," he longtime friend and agent, Linda Lewis, wrote in e-mails Wednesday to The Oregonian and to The Columbian in Vancouver.

"Tonya had changed her over-the-counter allergy medication," Lewis wrote. "She then went to the doctor with pneumonia symptoms. She was prescribed antibiotics and cough syrup and given a breathing treatment. She has been very ill, and her breathing capacity was very low."

I guess I'll have to add that to the White Trash Lexicon: 'allergy medication' = 'meth.'

OK, maybe not, but you could substitue 'meth' for 'allergy medication' above and get all the same behaviors.

It's White Trash WednesdayFriday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.


I was never a real big fan of Rob. His "Ain't I A Stinker?" persona went stale on me before he got booted off Marquesas, and it just got more irritating each time he slurped up somebody else's fifteen minutes. I was less than enthused to hear that he was on this season's Race. That being said, I have to respect the skills (and have noted so before). Winning three legs in a row on the Race is pretty tough, and I'd probably like him even with the overexposure if he weren't such an arrogant bullying prick.

Charla and Myrna, on the other hand, fall in the category "Reasons I Wish Somebody Would Invent A Selective 'Mute And Blank Screen' Button." I don't want to hear them, I don't want to see them, I just want to forget them. They make my stomach hurt every time they appear, and the sooner they're gone, the happier I'll be.

That being said, I'm glad Rob was eliminated Sunday night instead of the harpies. The way I see it, they're no threat to win and will probably be gone at the next available opportunity (I think they'll also finish last next week, but in a non-elimination leg, much to the chagrin of my wife, who loathes them more than I do (if that's possible) and rather liked Rob), while Rob would have been a real threat to win if only he'd known how to spell 'Philippines.'


While I was running this morning, I saw a story on CNN that aired the 911 calls from last weekend's tragic bus accident. The question that nearly knocked me off the treadmill was

Why do I turn away from news airings of 911 calls but actively seek out ATC and CVR recordings of plane crashes?

OK, that does it. New category.

Iron Chef: Battle Udon

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Theme Ingredient: Udon noodles
Iron Chef: Sakai
Challenger: Tooru Komori, a traditional Edo period chef
Remarks: This episode aired on Food Network sometime in the late fall of 2000, no later than December 9. Tooru Komori, a traditional Edo period chef, was the challenger. He chose IC French Hiroyuki Sakai, which was kind of a surprise to me; I expected him to pull an Ohta Faction-like challenge and go after Morimoto. Guest commentators were actor Toiyu Watanabe and actress Miyako Furitari; the other judges were photographer Tenmei Kanoh and the ubiquitous Asako Kishi.

OK, So There's *ONE* Person Who Isn't Laughing

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White Trash Wednesday

I was discussing the world's funniest joke (no, not the Monty Python one) with some friends. Not wanting to ruin it with a flawed recollection, I went googling, and found my way to this country-fried video version.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.


Later that same show, they were discussing this story about a Romanian man who gave his daughter a 'wannabe' name:

A Romanian luxury car enthusiast has named his daughter SLK after the Mercedes model.

. . .

Ica Mladin, the head of the local register's office, said: "This man walked into the office and said he wanted a birth certificate on the name SLK Caldarar.

"We found that very odd and tried to make him change his mind."

But the father insisted, saying he loves cars and if the baby had been a boy he would have been named BMW.

Mr Caldarar said: "The SLK is one of the most famous models of the Mercedes class; it's expensive and beautiful.

I've written about this moronic phenomenon more than once (here, for instance), but Kristi makes exactly the same point I make here:

KRISTI LEE: I'm gonna step in here and take a wild guess the guy doesn't have a chance in hell of ever owning an SLK or a BMW.
but Tom provides the punch line:
TOM GRISWOLD: He came up with the idea to name the baby after a car moments after he learned he'd gotten the Escort he was with pregnant.


Late in hour 1 of Friday's Bob & Tom, the gang was discussing whether each of them could fit their fist in their mouth. The conversation descended quickly from there:

CHICK MCGEE: Can you put a cue ball in your mouth? You shoot pool without a stick with your mouth?

KRISTI LEE: No! God, no! What is wrong with you people?

CHICK: (makes spitting noise) Eight ball, corner pocket. All right, what about, uh, not using your mouth? Using something else?

TOM GRISWOLD: Let's move on now. Um, we were also, uh . . .

CHICK: That's one time Kristi and I bonded; we saw that same movie.

KRISTI: Oh, my God.

BOB KEVOIAN: I saw a movie with a woman, she was a pitching machine.

TOM: This all sounds very exciting.

CHICK: She could really bring the heat!

But they for some inexplicable reason stopped one step short of the gutter. I would have bet cash money that Bob was about to say

But she got thrown out of every game - she threw nothing but spitballs!


You're in seat 1, leading 7-1. Dealer turns down ♠.

Your hand is A♦ 9♦ J♥ K♥ Q♣. Under Perry's points system, hearts is the right call (19 to 18 over diamonds), but that extra trump in diamonds looks tempting. What's your call, and what do you lead?


Today's Euchre Question: What To Dump?

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I was dealing and turned up A. I also had LQ, A of one green suit and KT in the other. Now I know in general that you should try to go two-suited, but just how solid a rule is that when you're faced with dumping an ace, and is your answer different based on the score?


DMV Office Destroyed By 80-Year-Old Driver:

Police in Deerfield Beach said no one was seriously injured after an 80-year-old woman crashed her car into the town's Department of Motor Vehicle offices.

The Florida Division of Motor Vehicles released surveillance video on Tuesday that shows about a half-dozen customers seated and waiting for service at a service desk.

The next instant, a white, four-door sedan driven by the woman crashes through the office's floor-to-ceiling glass window, shattering glass and sending chairs and customers scattering.
I suppose it's too much to hope that she was there for a driving test?
Police said the woman, Theresa Smith, inadvertently stepped on the gas while pulling out of a parking space. She was charged with careless driving.
Oh, well.

Photo Safari: Grocery Store


This was a little odd, but it brought a smile to my face - explicitly kosher teriyaki sauce:

Veri Veri Teriyaki

This one, though, makes me want to track down the perpetrators and force-feed them prime rib - Tofu Cutlet:

Tofu Cutlet

Florida's Frederica Wilson has a problem with state officials and agencies using the term 'alien.' This would be merely chuckleworthy rather than smack-the-voters-worthy if she weren't a state senator. Apparently she thinks everything else is just fine in the Sunshine State, because now she's going after the language:

"I personally find the word 'alien' offensive when applied to individuals, especially to children," said Sen. Frederica Wilson, D-Miami. "An alien to me is someone from out of space."
Out of space? You mean 'people who don't have anywhere to store their Christmas decorations?'
She has introduced a bill providing that: "A state agency or official may not use the term 'illegal alien' in an official document of the state." There would be no penalty for using the words.
First, once you're done scratching your head over the idea of introducing a law that has no penalties for being broken, you'll realize that this makes it easier to introduce a penalty later, rather than trying to do it all at once.

Second, what the Honorable Ms. Wilson either doesn't know or doesn't care about is that 'alien' is a legal term defined by the Federal Government:

(3) The term “alien” means any person not a citizen or national of the United States.
So if she wants to send 'alien' down the memory hole, she'll have to start in Washington.
In Miami-Dade County, Wilson said, "we don't say 'alien,' we say 'immigrant.'"
And here at Dangerous Logic Galactic HQ, we don't say 'Senator Frederica Wilson,' we say 'chowderheaded PC-addled waste of a state Senate seat.'


One of the recurring bits on Bob & Tom is "The Guy Who Would Rather [something] Than Have Sex," where a (criminally clueless) guy resists a woman's attempt to take him to bed in favor of whatever he's doing at the moment.

So I present to you: The Guy Who Would Rather Watch '24' Than Have Sex - also featuring the original miscast version starring Bob and Becky Kevoian!



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