February 2007 Archives

'Fire The Dump Button Guy,' Revisited


Previously on Fire The Dump Button Guy, there was some dispute as to whether Tom actually said anything that was actionable - specifically, did he say 'this shit' or 'this yet?' On today's episode, I don't think there's any mistaking the sound that Bob makes.


White Trash Probate

| No Comments

White Trash Wednesday

If you listen to the show for long enough, it should become pretty clear that Tom is the bandleader - he does almost all the interviews and generally seems to guide the show along, for better or worse. Bob is more like a sniper - he doesn't say nearly as much, but his hit percentage is way up there. Take, for instance, this exchange about everybody's favorite white-trash-girl-made-good-but-now-dead:

KRISTI LEE: Well, the fate of Anna Nicole Smith's body is in the hands of three appeals court judges in Florida.

TOM GRISWOLD: So after that gigantic circus with that idiot, Larry Seidlin...

KRISTI: ...yes, Larry Seidlin, they will decide whether to overturn a trial court ruling that meant the model would be buried in the Bahamas.

BOB KEVOIAN: Even in death, she's pulling a train with the legal system.

And as long as we're talking about White Trash royalty... Britney's still in rehab.


Two Bedroom Fixer-Upper. Or Hauler-Awayer.

| No Comments

White Trash Wednesday

Apparently there are about 40,000 abandoned mobile homes in North Carolina, and various legal and financial issues make it difficult for local governments to condemn and remove them. In the interests of making this issue more publicly known and garnering support for proposed legislation to remedy it, the Community Reinvestment Association of North Carolina created a calendar called The 2007 Parade of North Carolina's Abandoned Mobile Homes, featuring pictures of some of NC's not-so-finest domiciles.

Of course, they call it that. Cletus and Jolene just call it 'the real estate listings.'

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.


Stairway To Bob & Tom Guests


Tom often asks frequent guests whether they have a 'Stairway to Heaven' bit - something that audiences expect to hear in the act every time. Sometimes, a StH bit even has a genesis as a B&T appearance; for instance, if you're a fan, what do you think of when I say 'marsupials?'

The problem is that they have so many guests that it's hard even for a completist listener like me to keep them straight, so I'm starting to keep a list of frequent guests and their best-known bits, songs, or characteristics. This blog entry is definitely a living one, and if I can figure out how to do it, I'll keep comments open indefinitely so you can suggest additions.

If nothing's too good for your dog, then I've got the store for you:

If dogs desired sparkly jewelry, glittery makeup and sweet smells just like many little human girls, they'd feel like princesses in this newly opened Wallingford store.

Luckily for the founders of High Maintenance Bitch, which sells high-end pooch products, little princesses eventually grow into women dog owners -- preferably with spare cash and a strong affinity for double-entendres.

Of course, the name isn't a big hit with everybody:

"I am probably the most progressive liberal person in the world and I am personally offended by the sign," said Janet Stillman, executive director of the Wallingford Neighborhood Office.
Of course you're offended by it - it's because you're "the most progressive liberal person in the world!" Demeaning to womyn, and all that.

(Full disclosure: I admit that I'm about 0.5% bothered by the fact that the store's sign has both a dog and a woman on it. Then I just have another beer and go play some euchre until I think about something else.)

OK, I Give Up.


Apparently Britney's back in rehab. Again.

I'll be tracking her status on the sidebar for the immediate future.


Extra! Read All About It! H5N1 Spotted At Newsstand!

| No Comments

There's this newsstand owner in China who has an interesting assistant:

A duck that can help its owner sell newspapers recently attracted many curious pedestrians in Guangzhou's Liwan District.

The duck stands on a chair at a newspaper kiosk in the city's Baohua Road. It uses its mouth to help its master, an old man surnamed Wang, collect money or pass newspapers. [emphasis added]

I can see the excerpt from CDC's future "Report On Bird Flu What Killed Zillions" now:

Patient Zero was a newspaper vendor in Guangzhou, China...

We were discussing the (then-)upcoming Daytona 500 last week, when one of my friends (not really a NASCAR fan) said that there hadn't been a fatal accident since Dale Earnhardt t-boned the wall at Daytona in 2001. Another friend (also not a NASCAR fan) replied:

Of course not. He caused all of them!


And I Volunteer For The First Focus Group!

| No Comments

White Trash Wednesday

The latest chapter in the ongoing saga of the divorce of America's First (White Trash) Family: Britney checks into rehab, checks out the next day, shaves her head, gets a couple of tats, and then goes back into rehab.

OK, Mr. Mayor, I thought you were crazy, but now it looks like you're right: Kevin is turning out to be the sane one. And that was a bar that wasn't set very high at all.

OTOH, Britney's career will be fine if the lesbian allegations turn out to be true. She'll just have to change her target demographic from 10-year-old girls to 40-year-old guys.

Update: Aaaaaaand she's checked out of rehab again.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.


It's Like 40 More Days Of Mardi Gras


Overheard in the hallway this morning...

A: "What'd you give up for Lent this year?"

B: "Self-denial."

A: "How's that working out for you?"

B: "Oh, man, it's awesome!"

Last weekend, we went back to the hometown to visit the in-laws. My hometown weekly has a Peek At The Past section where they recap stories from one, five, ten, 25, and 50 years ago that week. It so happens that 25 years ago was my senior year in high school, and between track season and various academic stuff, I got my name in the paper something like eighteen weeks in a row. Being the vain bastard that I am, I was looking for a mention of myself in Peek At The Past.

After half a year of no joy, they finally did one. However, of all the mentions I can recall, this is the one I am least proud of (it's only in the print edition):

Feb. 19, 1982

ALMA - Allegan High School's quiz bowl team took it on the chin from last year's champions Feb. 6, in first-round action of the 1982 Alma College High School Quiz Bowl.

Defending Class A-B champ Okemos tallied a score of 210 to Allegan's 80, though coach Cheryl Kaechele reported that the match was far closer than the score indicates.

Competing for Allegan Saturday were Eric Babcock, Chris Carter, David LaGatutta and Ellen Manning.
I know the publisher has a sense of humor (from personal experience; she was also my senior year Creative Writing teacher), so I prefer to interpret that as our own little in-joke.

But then again, I'm a vain SOB.

I'm sorry - I forgot to mention that the publisher was, at the time, the coach of our quiz bowl team.

Life Imitates The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

| No Comments

In the HHGG trilogy (specifically, in Restaurant), the rock band Disaster Area makes an appearance. It is said about them that

Disaster Area are generally represented as not only the loudest rock band in all of time and space, but "in fact the loudest noise of any kind at all." No small claim to live up to, but when you've destroyed not merely lives, or cultures, or civilizations, but actual planets with your performance, I suppose that you can strut about a bit.

. . .

Afficianados of the band report that optimum listening pleasure is to be dervied from deep inside large concrete bunkers, at an optimum distance from the massive stage of thirty-seven miles. Some have reportedly set up closer, but no reliable witnesses have ever been found.

And these Michigan Tech students are just the guys to set up their Marshall column:

Seeking to becoming kings of university's annual snow statue building contest, a few zany students crafted a monstrous snow horn, fully equipped with tweeters, mid-range drivers, and subwoofers. The horn was unfortunately disqualified from the competition due to using "materials other than snow," but how can you not hand over a gold medal to a team that braved the freezing cold in order to craft a 20,000-watt megaphone? You heard right, powering this immense array of drivers were nine Behringer EP2500s and a Crown XLS602, and while we've no way of confirming, we have every reason to believe that folks have "called to complain from miles away."


I've been listening to almost every original hour of Bob & Tom for going on three years now, and as a result there isn't a whole lot the gang can say that will cause me to bust out laughing to the point of instability (however, the comedians on the show are another matter entirely).

One of those things was yesterday, in celebration of Presidents' Day, when they did 'Memorable Moments in Presidential History.' Specifically, this one:

HISTORY GUY (Dean Metcalf): Andrew Jackson would sign Presidential vetoes in the blood of the Congressman who wrote the original bill.

I also learned something yesterday that I found very odd, given what we know about his taste in movies - Bob is not at all a fan of Ron Jeremy. Granted, Hedgehog was one unattractive SOB, but you'd think Bob could find a special place in his perverted little heart for such a pioneer in his field.


"Uncle Dad Ken" Sold Separately

| No Comments

White Trash Wednesday

Bonus WTW today! Mitchieville pointed me to Pittsburgh Barbies, some of whom are right up the WTW alley:

"East End Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills)...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

. . .

"Butler Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

. . .

"McKees Rocks Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
RTWT; the pictures make it even funnier.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.


White Trash Academy - MethMath 101

| No Comments

White Trash Wednesday

I think we've found the prerequisite for White Trash Academy Recreational Pharmacology 101 -- Math 101:

MORIARTY, N.M. -- Principal Wayne Marshall said a teacher at Moriarty High School made a misjudgment on an algebra test for his students.

A question on the test incorporated a fictional methamphetamine dealer.

The question read, "Smoky J. sells meth. Smoky's source says he has to sell a G's worth of meth by the end of the month. If Smoky sold 240 dollars the first week and 532 dollars the second week, how much money must Smoky make if he wants to avoid the beat down from his connection?"
Next week, in Business 101, we'll go over the market analysis that Smoky's connection used to determine the $1k sales target. Later, we'll drop by the Phys. Ed. department and look at what could happen if Smoky fails to hit his numbers.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.


To the surprise of precisely no one, Hollywood saw another chance to stick it to President Bush and jumped on it; hence, the Dixie Chicks' five Grammys (Grammies?).


But since one of those was for Best Country Something-or-other, somebody needs to tell the NARAS that the Dix have said that they aren't even a country band anymore!


You'd Think He Would Have Seen That One Coming

| No Comments

I think James Randi wrote this Ananova headline: Psychic museum closes unexpectedly

A psychic museum is closing its doors - due to unforeseen circumstances.

Astrologer Jonathan Cainer set up the York Psychic Museum in 2003 but business has been less than expected.

Mr Cainer told the York Press he had handed over the lease, with the intention of making a return in 2008.
I'm not a psychic, but even I can predict that you won't get a lot of people willing to pay to see some bent spoons.


[filed under Unclear On The Concept even though I'm the one unclear on the concept here.]

United Hockey League commissioner Richard Brosal is apparently retiring after this season. Wait until you get a load of his plans:

Richard Brosal, commissioner of the UHL since 1997, will leave his position at the end of the season to become executive vice president of sales and marketing for the B2 Networks, which broadcast events to computers and televisions via the Internet.

B2 Networks provide coverage of UHL games, via a pay-per-view service.

We can't get anybody to watch NHL games! Why does Brosal think jumping to a network that broadcasts third-tier minor league hockey - in pay-per-view, no less - is a good career move?


Life, The Universe, And Everyblog


Via Lifehacker (though I can't find the exact post) I found a HOWTO that I never expected to see, at least not from Lifehacker: HOWTO: Achieve blog nirvana

The broadest of those [reader] responses are indignation, titillation, stimulation, and affirmation. Hitting any of the buttons is good. Ideally, you pack as many of those responses as possible into your content, even (and sometimes especially) if they're contradictory. Hitting the sweet spot in the center of all four virtually guarantees bloggy nirvana.
There's a beautiful Venn diagram describing the interaction between the responses. Indignation and Affirmation intersect to form Outrage; Indignation and Titillation intersect to form Scandal; Titillation and Stimulation intersect to form Lust; and Stimulation and Affirmation intersect to form Novelty.

Likewise, Outrage + Scandal = Revenge; Scandal + Lust = Perversity; Lust + Novelty = Sex; and Novelty + Outrage = Schadenfreude.

Finally, Revenge + Perversity + Sex + Schadenfreude = Nirvana, complete with figure of Buddha. I leave writing The Ultimate Blog Post as an exercise to the reader.

Get on it. I expect answers by midnight tomorrow.

Life Imitates There's Something About Mary

| 1 Comment

Presented without further comment - Bull sperm hair treatment:

A hairdresser is offering clients a new conditioning treatment made out of bull's semen.

The 45-minute treatment costs £55 and uses semen from Aberdeen Angus bulls on a farm in Cheshire.

. . .

Salon owner Hari Salem said: "I have been searching for an organic product with a lot of protein because that is what hair is made of and lacks when it is dry.

"The semen is refrigerated before use and doesn't smell. It leaves your hair looking wonderfully soft and thick."

White Trash Wednesday

I don't care if you are an astronaut - driving 900 miles to Go Springer on a rival for the attention of your beloved is 100% pure White Trash, especially if your beloved's nickname is 'Billy-O':

She was the Robochick. He was Billy-O.

According to police, her obsession with him led her to drive 900 miles from Houston to Orlando, bringing with her a trenchcoat and wig, armed with a BB gun and pepper spray, and wearing a diaper to avoid bathroom breaks on the arduous drive.

Once in Florida, Lisa "Robochick" Nowak apparently confronted the woman she believed was her rival for the affections of William "Billy-O" Oefelein. And this tawdry love triangle has one more twist -- it involves two astronauts.

Nowak, 43, a married mother of three who flew on a space shuttle in July, was charged with attempted murder, accused of hatching an extraordinary plot to kidnap Colleen Shipman, who she believed was romantically involved with Oefelein, a space shuttle pilot.
I think the BB gun was the best part of that.

Specifically, police said, Nowak confronted Shipman, who was in her car at the Orlando airport, and sprayed something at her, possibly pepper spray.

At first the astronaut was charged with attempted kidnapping and other counts. Then prosecutors upped the charge to attempted murder, basing it on the weapons and other items they said they had found with Nowak or in her car: pepper spray, a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, knife and rubber tubing.
And together they were going to build a still and start cranking out pepper-flavored moonshine!

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.


Maybe Men's Health Was Right, Part II - drunk and stupid in Fort Wayne:

The Indiana State Police say their post is not a motel, but they will still leave the light on for you.

That hospitality may have been bad news for a Warsaw driver who police say wanted a room at the Fort Wayne post early Wednesday -- especially because police say he was driving a damaged Hummer and was intoxicated at the time.
Well, at least the guy wasn't actually from Fort Wayne. OTOH, maybe Fort Wayne just exudes such stupidity that it corrupts out-of-towners.
Dispatcher Jonathon Jacob, watching from the back door, saw a woman passenger crawl across the Hummer's center console to exit through the driver's-side door. He asked whether they needed assistance. The driver said they were going to the front door to get a room.
To be fair, there was a hotel right next door.

But why he drove past it to get to the cop shop is beyond me.

I'm almost at the point where 'The Thought That Woke Me From A Sound Sleep' should become its own category (for instance, this and this and this and this and this). The latest one was about the now-defunct Armed and Famous, a reality show where "celebrities" trained as police officers down in Muncie. One of them was Jason 'Wee Man' Acuna, whom you may recognize as the little person from the Jackass tv show and movies.

So my thought was "If you got arrested by Wee Man, and recognized him as Wee Man, what would happen if you 'figured out' you were in a Jackass sketch and kicked him in the 'nads?"



Powered by Movable Type 4.34-en

About this Archive

This page is an archive of entries from February 2007 listed from newest to oldest.

January 2007 is the previous archive.

March 2007 is the next archive.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.