September 2006 Archives

When Bad Things Happen To Good Vehicles


If I stand in the right spot in my office, I can see the building where this happened:

A woman was formally charged in Allen Superior Court on Thursday in the case of an 11-year-old girl who smashed a car into Delmar Video at 5311 Merchandise Drive late last week.

Jennifer N. Dettmer, 26, faces one felony count each of neglect of a dependent, criminal recklessness, and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. According to a probable-cause affidavit, Dettmer let the girl drive a 2001 white Mitsubishi around the parking lot. The girl then drove the car down an embankment, through some grass in front of the building and into the store. Several shelves of videos were thrown into a woman at the store, injuring her head, arm and hip. The car also struck a railing at the front counter, injuring a man. The car came to rest at the front counter, the affidavit said. Damage to the store was extensive.
In a completely coincidental story: if my uncle stands in just the right spot on his back porch, he might be able to see the woods where this happened:
A local pleasure cruise by the Beverly-based Hood blimp went sour when the ship developed rudder problems shortly after take off and wound up caught in treetops several miles from its base at the Beverly Airport.

The lone pilot, Leigh Bradbury, was unhurt and there were no passengers.

Rescue crews safely lowered Bradbury by rope, harness and ladder to the ground from the cockpit.

The crash came after Bradbury radioed the Beverly Airport tower to say that the blimp was having rudder trouble and was planning to crash land just before 1 p.m. Sept. 26. Air traffic controllers in the tower in turn called the Fire Department to say the ship could come down in Beverly Farms.

Emergency crews from Beverly and Wenham, and later Manchester-by-the-Sea searched the Beverly Farms area for the crash scene, which was just over the town line in Manchester-by-the-Sea, in a heavily wooded area north of the Brookwood School.

Wisconsin Highlights Up On YouTube

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A good effort in what could have been a trap game. I'm especially heartened by how well they were able to stop Wisconsin's power running game, which I had thought might have worn down Michigan's new smaller, quicker DL. Frankly, it reminded me of some of the Rose Bowl games of years past, where smaller, quicker Pac-8 (yeah, that's how far back I'm talking about) defenses would stymie the Wolverines. Videos embedded after the jump.

White Trash Wednesday

Monday on Bob & Tom (hour 2, roughly 29:00), they featured a listener letter that is a perfect White Trash Wednesday story, with idiotic home medical remedies, a woman cranking out kids by means she does not understand...

TOM GRISWOLD (reading from letter): "One of my friends was in her last year of pharmacy school, doing a retail pharmacy rotation. She was working at a nationally-known retail blah-blah pharmacy chain. A woman with four young children came up to the pharmacy window complaining how upset she was that she was pregnant again and that her birth control was not working. My friend inquired as to what birth control method she was using, and she said 'Mountain Dew.'"

BOB KEVOIAN: I'm sorry?

TOM: "She said, 'I heard that if you drank eight cans of Mountain Dew a day, you won't get pregnant.'"

CHICK MCGEE: Can I be excused?

...and Bob taking the story off the cliff:
BOB: I think she misunderstood - if you do it in the can, you won't get pregnant.
Actually, I think she might have something there - the rampant squirts you'd get from eight cans of Dew a day could serve as a contraceptive in much the same way that Drew Carey's glasses do. Either that or you'd be shaking so badly that your male partner would have difficulty, shall we say, hitting a moving target.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.


As If We Needed A Reason To Throw A Party


I think my neighborhood will throw a party to celebrate this: Drug 'may reverse liver disease'

A cheap and readily available drug could reverse severe liver disease, even in patients who find it impossible to give up booze, research suggests.

Sulphasalazine is currently used to treat arthritis and inflammatory bowel disease.

But a University of Newcastle team has found that it can also reverse the scarring associated with cirrhosis of the liver.

Liver disease is the fifth highest cause of death in the UK.

It is estimated that up to 10% of the UK population have problems with their liver - and most are linked to lifestyle factors, such as heavy drinking and obesity.
I guess now I can chuck that light beer crap and start drinking Samuel Adams Triple Bock full-time!

Today I learned that you can commit a fauxne pas without even being on a speakerphone at all.

If the other end of your call is and you don't know it.

One More For The Phone

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I should have posted my new ring tone last Sunday, as that was when I made it out of this Tom Hammond clip (MP3).


Why didn't Flavor Flav wear the clock around his neck upside down? That way he could just look down and see what time it was.

I was commiserating with one of the other owners in my fantasy league about our underperforming Raiders players: Randy Moss (mine) and LaMont Jordan (his). The chat went like this:

FunkDruckers: Trade you Moss for Jordan?

BattleHounds: Throw in a candy bar and I'll think about it!

FunkDruckers: OK, how about Moss and a Snickers bar for Jordan and a blank sheet of copy paper?

BattleHounds: Now you're just getting greedy with the copy paper. No deal!

FunkDruckers: Dammit!


Gas + Match + Chair + Buddy = Hilarity!

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White Trash Wednesday

From the "What Were You Thinking?" department, courtesy of FARK: Boy burns buddy with gas attack

ST. THOMAS -- A 13-year-old St. Thomas boy remains in hospital with serious burns yesterday after a "good friend" poured gasoline down the back of a chair he was sitting in and lit it on fire.

The boy suffered second-to-third degree burns on his back and may require skin grafts.

A 14-year-old boy, also from St. Thomas, was charged with aggravated assault.

Why this might have happened is unknown, said Const. Glenn Hodgson of the St. Thomas Police Service.

"They were friends. Good friends. There was no argument and there was no fighting or anything like that," he said.

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour via the WTW blogroll on my sidebar.


Yes, I'm Still Milking The Win Over FND. So Sue Me.

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Many fND fans have class (more class, for example, than a doofus who calls them "f'in Notre Dame").

Then there's this guy:

Hey, Domerfan, you take Communion with that hand?

[H/T MZone]


Rest Of The Michigan-FND Highlights Now Available

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Also embedded after the break. In the meantime, enjoy these pictures of Brady Quinn. The first one is after he got picked for (I think) the second time; the second is from one of the umpty-gazillion times he got knocked on his ass.

Update: The first picture is from after Woodley took his fumble to the house. How could I not have remembered that?

Brady Quinn after getting picked for the second time

Brady Quinn after any of about a dozen different plays

Some Michigan-FND Highlights Up On YouTube


Three hours until kickoff. I had this awesome dream last night - Michigan pimp-slapped fND 47-21. Oh, man, I wish. Hey, why are all the pregame shows talking about NFL games?

Heh. Anyway, scoring plays and key highlights are up on YouTube, embedded after the jump. It may be a while before I get the rest up, since I inadvertently clobbered my marker file and will have to spend ANOTHER two hours re-editing it.

Just wanted to get something on the record before kickoff. I haven't seen anything this week to change my gut feel that Michigan basically has no way to win this game. More correctly, there are lots of ways they could win, but they won't.

It'll be close, but Michigan will find some way to lose, 24-21.

Update: Holy. Living. Fuck. Or, as they say in Sicily: Minchia, Minchia, Minchia (translates roughly as Holy Fuckin' Hellfiring Shit!). In my wildest dreams, I had Michigan winning only by 10. I'm in shock right now. Gonna go get drunk and bask in the schadenfreude of all the Domer fans in my neighborhood. I won't have to say a word.

First it was Chuck Norris. Then Jack Bauer. Now we honor computer security/encryption/freedom defender Bruce Schneier, with Things You Might Not Know About Bruce Schneier. It's as geeky as you might expect, with entries like this:

If we built a Dyson sphere around Bruce Schneier and captured all of his energy for 2 months, without any loss, we could power an ideal computer running at 3.2 degrees K to count up to 2^256. This strongly implies that not only can Bruce Schneier brute-force attack 256-bit keys, but that he is built of something other than matter and occupies something other than space.
and this:
An autographed picture of Bruce Schneier is all you need to securely wipe any hard-drive.
and this:
On Bruce Schneier's birthday, a person standing at the very center of Stonehenge casts a shadow in the shape of Bruce Schneier's PGP public key fingerprint.
but I think this one is my favorite:
Bruce Schneier can log into any computer just by staring down the prompt.


It's hard to tell whether no attacks on U.S. soil since 9/11 is a sign that our security services are doing a bang-up job or a sign that AQ et. al don't have anybody in country capable of doing anything. Regardless of what's going on inside the 'black box,' so to speak, the outside-the-box observable outcome is the same: no terrorist attacks on U.S. soil.

So whether or not you believe that this guy is planning to pop a nuke or dirty bomb on the first day of Ramadan (September 24)*, the FBI is REALLY interested in him, so I'm going to jump in with Ace and Rusty and Allah and Dan and Gateway Pundit and put his picture up for my dozen readers to see (yes, I think I actually have a dozen readers now!):

Adnan G. El Shukrijumah

Photograph of Adnan G. El Shukrijumah Photograph of Adnan G. El Shukrijumah Photograph of Adnan G. El Shukrijumah Photograph of Adnan G. El Shukrijumah Photograph of Adnan G. El Shukrijumah

According to the FBI page, he's 5'3" - 5"6, 132 pounds, with an average build. Also:

El Shukrijumah occasionally wears a beard. He has a pronounced nose and is asthmatic. El Shukrijumah speaks English and carries a Guyanese passport, but may attempt to enter the United States with a Saudi, Canadian, or Trinidadian passport.

As Ace puts it:

I read Freakonomics (finally) on the bus ride back, and if there's one big take-away from the book, it's the power of asymetical information to be used corruptly, and the dissemination of information via the Internet to destroy the asymetrical advantage and reduce corruption or criminality.

This guy has a big asymetrical informational advantage-- not many people know what he looks like. Let's change that.

Why do I suddenly feel like I've stepped on the set of America's Most Wanted?

(*) I was explaining this to a friend, and he asked what Ramadan was. I gave him the quick, dirty, misleading, and probably offensive analogy that it was kind of like a Muslim Lent. Except that I'm not looking to kill anybody until at least halfway through, when whatever I gave up starts to itch at me, and when I say "I'd kill somebody for a Mountain Dew right now," this isn't what I meant.


Life Imitates The Bionic Woman

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The Washington Post reports that a woman has been fitted with a bionic arm:

The first time Claudia Mitchell peeled a banana one-handed, she cried.

It was several months after she lost her left arm at the shoulder in a motorcycle accident. She used her feet to hold the banana and peeled it with her right hand. She felt like a monkey.
. . .
Mitchell, who lives in Ellicott City, is the fourth person -- and first woman -- to receive a "bionic" arm, which allows her to control parts of the device by her thoughts alone. The device, designed by physicians and engineers at the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago, works by detecting the movements of a chest muscle that has been rewired to the stumps of nerves that once went to her now-missing limb.

[H/T Engadget]

I Love My New Cameraphone


The SLVR I won from Pepsi is my first phone with a camera, and it got its first use in anger yesterday.

The drugstore I frequent has two drive-through windows. The approach to those lanes is two cars wide, but is not signed or striped as two separate lanes. What a lot of people do when they approach with both windows in use but no other cars waiting is to hedge their bets, straddling the (imaginary) center line and pulling into the first window that opens up. If, by chance, somebody else pulls up before either window opens, local etiquette holds that the hedger has to then pick a lane, and the new arrival gets the other lane.

But this bluetooth-headset-wearing hedger in a tan Camry decided that 4:00PM was a good time to ignore that convention, placing himself perfectly so there wasn't really enough room to go around him on either side (which I would have done anyway if I'd had my '93 Nissan instead of my wife's larger (and much nicer) car). He even yelled at some poor lady who tried to move up next to him.

So, Mr. Hedger,

you win Jackass Of The Day!

(full disclosure: runner-up is me, because I was still fuming over it fifteen minutes later, and I think I stole a purple Blazer's turn at a 4-way stop on the way home)

Word Is She's Already Expecting #3

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White Trash Wednesday

We here at White Trash Wednesday would like to congratulate the First Family for cranking out another White Trashlet (and in true White Trash fashion, before his elder brother is even a year old!):

Entertainment magazines are reporting that Britney Spears gave birth to her second son Tuesday in LA.

Us Weekly -- citing an unnamed family source -- said on its Web site that the baby boy was delivered around 2:00 a.m. at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.


It's Like Taking Out A Mortgage On A Car

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The Islanders just signed mediocre goalie Rick DiPietro to a new contract. The cost-per-year ($4.5M) is only somewhat high for a mediocre goalie, but it's a FIFTEEN-YEAR deal. As you might expect, this has drawn some attention in the sporting press:

The theory emanating out of Charles Wang's Long Island bunker is that in the wake of the team's management fiasco of earlier this summer, wherein it hired Neil Smith as GM only to can him 40 days later and promote backup netminder Garth Snow to the post, DiPietro's long-long-term $67.5 million deal would be a sign of stability.

Ho, ho. Ha, ha, ha. Stop it. Really.

Just because a television station runs a "Three Stooges" marathon doesn't mean the program director is a genius. It just means he has more "Three Stooges" tapes than he knows what to do with.

If DiPietro is even in the league in 15 years, I'll eat a puck.


No, He's Not Bitter. He's Just A Horndog.

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In hour 2 of Friday's Bob & Tom show, Paul and Storm had just finished playing Your Love Is, a sendup of sappy love songs. Let's pick up the action...

TOM GRISWOLD: That's just beautiful. That just takes the piss out of every love song. "Butterflies in the summer..." BOOM!

KRISTI LEE: Come on, don't you have one romantic bone in your body?

TOM: Yeah, you want it?


I wouldn't expect that, after a day where Michigan won 41-17 and didn't have anybody get hurt, I'd be less enthusiastic about their long-term prospects.


After seeing some chunks of both the fND and asuiO games, I'm now almost certain that Michigan won't beat either of them. On the other hand - and also based on this weekend - I'm now no longer certain that they'll lose at least one of @PSU or @Iowa.


A Ho's Gotta Do What A Ho's Gotta Do

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White Trash Wednesday

Extra Special Bonus WTW Bonus Friday Special Edition!

This one's so hot it can't wait until next Wednesday:

At about noon on Saturday, several residents at Friendly Acres Mobile Home Park, 3574 W. U.S. 20, contacted LaPorte County police.

A woman was observed having sex with a man inside a limousine parked on one of the streets.

The windows of the green, Cadillac limousine were not tinted, providing a clear view for a large crowd that had gathered, including many children, police said.

Several adults witnessing the activity hollered for the pair to stop, but witnesses said the man and woman continued.
Sounds like dude chose a really bad parking spot for his transaction. Here's another reason why:
When police arrived, Sgt. John Boyd said in his report the woman was approached, but denied the allegations.

However, the manager of the trailer park, Mark Stantz, informed police the limousine was parked in front of a surveillance camera, which captured what appeared to be a man and woman in the limousine having sex.

When told about the footage, the woman did not confess, but said, "I gotta do what I gotta do for my kids and family," Boyd said.


I'm Alfred E. Newman, And I Approved This Message

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Vanity Fair, mostly known as "Proof James Wolcott Has A Goat Picture Of The Vanity Fair Board Of Directors," has produced a fake Weekly Standard cover flap that proves mainly that they can match fonts. It sure doesn't look very funny:

OK, Fine, We Admit It: The Iraq War Was A Mistake
And George W. Bush Is So Stupid It Scares Even Us

Brit Hume
50 things Michael Moore was right about

. . .

Fred Barnes
on the joys of not wearing pants

Hoo, boy, somebody stop them! Seriously, guys, this kind of fold-over wasn't funny when I was a kid reading Mad.

Naturally, Boing Boing's Mark Frauenfelder squirms with delight over it:

The October Vanity Fair has an excellent, very SPY-like prank to anger and befuddle readers of the buffoonishly hawkish Weekly Standard. Just cut out the fake cover flap and glue it onto a newsstand copy of the Weekly Standard, then step back to observe the blood vessels burst on the foreheads of the neocons who see it.

[Checking myself for aneurysms... nothing. Lame attempts at humor don't have much impact on my blood pressure.]

Hell, I can do that for VF, just funnier (although I'll leave the font-matching to somebody else):

First Peek: Airbrushed Pregnant Ann Coulter Naked!

GEORGE W. BUSH: How Come This Mental Defective Keeps Outmaneuvering Us?

Human-Like Creatures Discovered In American Interior
Apparently These Things Live In The Vast Wasteland Between The Coasts
Almost Like Us Except For Primitive Supernatural Beliefs

JAMES WOLCOTT Sneers At Everything Outside Manhattan


White Trash Wednesday

Draft-delayed White Trash Wednesday: WorkSafe Victoria has this illustrated guide to improvised scaffolds for all your Caucasian-Refuse-American elevated work needs. Oh, sure, it's disguised as a series of bad examples, but that's just to make the lawyers happy. How about this beefed-up work platform for your next over-garage job?

It's White Trash Wednesday! Take the whole tour:


Yes, Dammit, I'm Ready For Some Football


Been in the bunker the last few days preparing for my annual fantasy football draft, which was last night. Details after the break if you're interested.

Michigan-Vanderbilt Videos Up On YouTube

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Key Plays:




Michigan 27, Vanderbilt 7


(As usual, these are just my impressions. If you want much better analysis, start with MGoBlog)

First things first - they took care of business and I don't think anybody got hurt. I was right to take the points - the line was Michigan by 25, but I figured 14-17. They looked OK, particularly on defense and in the running game. The new aggressiveness on D is refreshing, but it does leave them open to getting lit up on trick plays (and I predict fND will score at least once that way). You can't have everything, though, and I'd rather see this than the death-by-a-thousand-third-and-long-conversions losses we saw last year. At the very least, it's only a matter of time before Woodley decapitates a QB (and am I an evil person for hoping it's Brady F. Quinn?), and that's always good TV.

Semi-random thoughts:

  • Chris Spielman covering a Michigan game is just plain wrong, like Mohammad-doing-play-by-play-at-the-Crucifixion-wrong. This says nothing about him as a broadcaster (he's actually not too bad); it says everything about me as a Michigan fan. Full disclosure: I wouldn't have a problem with Herbie covering a Michigan game, and I can't even explain why. It may be because I don't think Herbie ever beat Michigan, and I know Spielman did.
  • Way too many dropped passes.
  • Henne was rifling everything, even the stuff he didn't have to.
  • Henne taking off to avoid a sack - good. Henne not trying to reset his feet and find an open receiver afterwards - bad. At the very least, he'll take a lot of hits he shouldn't. At worst, a LB or SS decapitates him.
  • Lamar Woodley - beast.
  • Kevin Grady - lean(er).
  • Garrett Rivas - fat(ter).
Prognosis - better but not great. I still think they'll lose both at fND and asuiO, and at least one of PSU or Iowa, and I'm 50-50 on their bowl game, so I'm saying 9-4 plus or minus one.


Wired's copy chief, Tony Long, should stick to proofreading. Why the guy gets a column, I'll never know, because his personal calendar seems to be stuck in August of 1968 - even when his writing is coherent, which his current column most definitely isn't.

In the same column where he decries what he sees as the corporate media oligarchy...

Corporate interference in news gathering is nothing new, but the nature of it has changed as the power of these corporations has increased. The Republican-controlled FCC may have hammered the final nail into the coffin of independent journalism in 2003 by making it legal for a single corporation to own, within a single media market, up to three TV stations, eight radio stations, the local paper and the cable system.
(side note - anyone remember who was FCC chairman at the time? Michael Powell. Bonus question - appointed by whom? Bill Clinton. Apparently Long proofreads his own work.)

...he proposes a 'solution' that is so mind-bogglingly idiotic that I wonder if somebody else hacked his account and published it under his name to make him look bad:

Here's something else for the wish list, something we've never seen, or will see, until hell freezes over: Remove the profit motive from professional journalism. Newspapers, TV news departments, news radio and news websites are the tangible defenders of our free society. Something so vital to the safeguarding of our collective well-being should not be encumbered by the vulgar need to turn a profit.

So who pays?

The government pays, how about that? All legitimate news organizations would be licensed and subsidized by Uncle Sam. And Sammy has to keep on paying, even when the press bites the hand that feeds it. Because that's the press' job, after all. [emphasis added]

This is so full of crap I don't even know where to begin. Let's just go with the three most obvious problems:

  • It would make the FCC third only to the White House and the Pentagon as the most powerful force in the Executive branch (with the monstrous growth in bureaucracy and budget that implies). Given what Long thinks of the FCC, it seems clear to me that he doesn't recognize this; otherwise, he certainly wouldn't favor expanding their role in government.
  • It won't even work - it contradicts one of the arguments he makes for its necessity:
    . . . news gathering is expensive and labor intensive. The economic model for traditional media is so prohibitive that only the pashas who own these vast conglomerates can afford the ante. These are the same pashas, incidentally, who hobnob and swill champagne with the power elite. They're buddies with the very people they should be putting under a microscope. [emphasis added]
    Replace "buddies with" above with "licensed by" and you've still got the same problem.
  • It would be a gross violation of the First Amendment, because the clear implication is that only licensed agencies would be able to 'do news.' Do you think commiemedia would ever get a license? Do you think that anybody who started looking dangerous (regardless of which party is in control) wouldn't suddenly start experiencing licensing issues? What would happen if they were to try to publish anyway?

Now that I think about it, maybe Long's personal calendar isn't stuck in 1968. His idea of a government-controlled media is the epitome of 1984.



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