Dude Must Be Dyslexic...

...because you're supposed to hit it big, then start acting like an asshole:

The chance to win a weekend in Hollywood with a real, live actor was too much for two South Dakota women to resist.

. . .

The ladies didn't even mind that they'd have to pay their own airfare, or that their "celebrity" host — Patrick Kilpatrick — does not have his name in lights.

"I guess you'd call him a bit actor," says Shirley, who runs a child advocacy agency with Kelly.

They had met Kilpatrick in Aberdeen last fall when he joined other luminaries in a pheasant hunt. There's a national circuit in which local folks pay to hunt birds with ballplayers and entertainers, and Kilpatrick is in demand.

Bags packed and hopes high, Shirley and Kelly flew to Los Angeles on Feb. 3 to spend a few days with Schwab's brother in Huntington Beach before making the Hollywood scene. On a family boating trip, Shirley got seasick, and it was rough waters for the next three days.

Shirley called Kilpatrick twice on Friday, but got no answer. She and Kelly missed his return call Saturday morning, and were surprised by the message he left.

"He said he was going to Universal City with his son," Shirley says. He also said he'd leave a key to his apartment with his doorman and added, "Maybe I will see you later."

. . .

The ladies left Kilpatrick a message Saturday morning and let him know they were confused and disappointed. When he finally called back Sunday morning, their Hollywood dream was shattered.

As Shirley recalls the conversation, Kilpatrick bluntly insisted he had more than fulfilled his obligation to them by cleaning his apartment, stocking the refrigerator and leaving the keys with the doorman.

Serving as the ladies' West Coast agent and manager, I put in a call to Kilpatrick, who flipped out at the nerve of his accusers. He said he had "bent over backward" for Shirley and Kelly, who never had the "gumption" to make it to his apartment.

"I have so much to say about it," Kilpatrick said, and he wasn't kidding.

He rambled on for about 40 minutes about his "journey into the heartland" and the misunderstanding that followed, and I didn't hear him take a breath.

Kilpatrick said he had graciously offered his home to two South Dakota couples this year, with another duo coming in next month. But he said he made it clear to Shirley and Kelly that he would be available to play tour guide only if he wasn't busy. As it turned out, he was extremely busy.

It seems he has three "film projects" in the pipeline, and they happen to be the "most arresting films in the world, and very valuable to the world of ideas, as well as cinema."

In other words, he's like 50,000 other people in L.A. who can't get funding.

Kilpatrick said he had to pick up one of his two sons in Santa Barbara, and he likes to spend enough time there to "relate" to the boys' school. He also had scheduled a two-hour "purification" session, or he might have had more time to give his scheduled visitors a better "expression."

It's a shame this meeting of two worlds didn't work out, because I would have loved to hear how Shirley and Kelly related to purification.

"I am not paying them back for that $500," Kilpatrick bristled. "My budget doesn't allow me to do that."

I think Shirley and Kelly got closer to discovering the real Hollywood than they realized.

Read the whole thing. I focused on Kilpatrick's behavior, but the two ladies appear to have gotten the full Hollywood experience, including seeing a woman shoot up in a McDonald's bathroom, dodging some falling scaffolding, and having their car towed [hat tip: Romanesko].

I'm not quite sure what dude's deal is - he's been getting steady work for close to 20 years, so I'm a little surprised that $500 is that big a deal.