August 18, 2005

#50: Fail To Do Anything A Woman Says.

iVillage, in their never-ending quest to emasculate the male of the species, reprints an Esquire article from 2002: Things A Man Should Never Do After The Age of 30.

Maybe I'm just saying this because I'm currently in violation of at least half of them (and I'll be 41 next month), but what a fucking load of bullshit. Take a look at some of these:

1. Use the word party as a verb.
Every Friday night. Many Saturday nights. The occasional Sunday.
2. Shots.

3. Body shots.

4. Jell-O shots. Especially Jell-O shots.
Every Friday night. Many Saturday nights. The occasional Sunday.
11. Experiment with facial hair.
I went from full beard to goatee at age 38. Esquire and iVillage can go shave themselves where the sun don't shine.
14. Own beer-drinking paraphernalia.
Does a Kegerator count? Just kidding. I only wish I had a kegerator.
15. Own a skull bong.
Apparently other kinds of bongs are OK.
18. Use the word dude, except when referring to a ranch or a well-dressed Englishman.
Everyone in my neighborhood, regardless of age or gender, does this. Who died and made you Lingo Police?
19. Use the word dawg in a sentence when referring to a friend or, worse, yourself.
On the other hand, I draw the line here.
24. Drink malternative beverages.
I'll drink what I want, when I want, at whatever age I want. The fact that I don't like alcopops in general is immaterial to this.
25. Don a puka-bead necklace.
I knew these were stupid when I was 13, let alone 30.
29. Own a Lava lamp.
I just got one last month. It adds atmosphere to the garage.
33. Play fantasy sports.
The author has obviously never played any kind of fantasy sports game. It is not something you 'grow out' of.
38. Wear a jersey with the name of a professional athlete on the back.
But what else would I wear to my fantasy football draft?
47. Fall asleep in public.
I don't get this one. Why is it OK for younger men but not for post-30 men?
48. Call drugs by their street names (e.g., junk, smack, or whitebag).
There's a reason we have fifty different words for marijuana (hint: it's similar to why Eskimos allegedly have 26 different words for snow).
49. Pick a fistfight by thrusting out your neck, flexing, and screaming, "It's go time!"
What dumbass would do this, ever?

Posted by Chris at August 18, 2005 12:22 PM

Category: Media Stupidity

at 40, i'm right there with ya.

and by the way, my lava lamp is in my living room, and it's not just any lava lamp. it's a black rocket lava lamp.

my dad has one too.

Posted by: mlah at August 22, 2005 11:10 PM

Ha! That's what I got, too!

Posted by: Chris of Dangerous Logic at August 23, 2005 08:17 AM