May 07, 2004

If I Were Scripting The Survivor Finale...

[Another Survivor post. You have been warned.]

It sure looks like Survivor: Amateur Hour has become a boat race (these Einsteins are the All-Stars? They sure aren't playing like it!); so much so that I'm prepared to call the finish order: Rupert bites the dust next, then Jenna, and Amber beats Boston Rob in the final by 5-2 or worse.

If I were Rupert, here's the endgame gambit I would try. If nothing else, it would allow him to recapture the pirate mentality he embraced in the first episode of Survivor: Pearl Islands. I call it 'Rupert Gone Wild:'

  • Get up early one morning, while everybody else's lazy ass is still in bed. Take the tools and throw them in the well.
  • Go fishing as usual. Throw the spear in the well.
  • Clean and cook fish as usual. Everbody else will be waking up about this time.
  • Eat all the fish as fast as he can. Drink as much water as possible.
  • Throw the matches in the fire, then pour the last of the drinkable water on the fire to put it out.
  • Throw the machete in the well (who's going to stop him? He's carrying a machete, for cryin' out loud!).
  • Piss in the well.
  • Win both challenges because he's the only one who isn't starving to death.
  • It doesn't really matter who he's up against in the final - he'll win. Even if the whole story of his 'scorched earth' strategy comes out. Especially if the 'scorched earth' story comes out - the jury will be delighted that he got over on the Robfather!

Credit to my friend Paul for the 'Amateur Hour' reference and my friend Joe for 'Rupert Gone Wild.'

Posted by Chris at May 7, 2004 02:47 PM

Category: Reality TV